Friday, October 29, 2010

Stalker part 2

I found it really easy to stalk people from fb, what i need to do is just their name, full name preferably. I always believe in six degrees of separations. So, i guess it's not that hard to get some information about a guy that i like after just knowing his last name or his email address. The technology really helps, i couldn't imagine in the past how people get information about other people, maybe through mutual friends or organizations but now it's done in seconds. Fb profiles always contains precious infos about people that i stalk, like wether he's single or partnered, real age and pictures. status updates and twtr infos are important as well, so i can judge him from his writings and emotions put into the timeline. I've always been a big stalker, not in real life but on net. It's safer that way to judge wether you should meet in person the guy that you just met on the net or not because He most probably lies about his age, or worst his status. It's better to be honest upfront rather than be disappointed later. I guess i'm still normal because i know a lot of people do this. Well, now i wonder who has been stalking me on the net, that could be interesting.



I Stalked mr.Big's ex on fb, turns out they actually haven't found a place to live yet. Well, I pity them, i don't personally know the ex but from the site, we have 1 friends in common, and he's my friend's housemate. So thanks to my friend's housemate, i got access to Mr.Big ex's wall and pictures. He's very tall and handsome, few years older than me, but he has disability. Mr.big and him were together for more than 8 years until Mr.Big let him go for another guy. The twisted thing is, They all live together in a nice beautiful house in a suburb near the waters. very beautiful house but very old. They have to let go of the house, Mr.Big told me the news the day he invited me to go to the other city. The first time we met, he took me to his house because no one was there, Mr.Big's ex and his partner was away for vacation. I had a great time visiting their home. he wined and dined me and we had a great time. I had a feeling that Mr.Big still has feelings for his ex. I mean they had been together for almost a decade. Mr.Big told me how did they meet when we were in the other city, i asked because I was curious about their relationship. I think they are still in love with each other, but Mr.Big has to let his ex go. They met 10 years ago in the nude beach and Mr.Big offered the kid a ride, well that's sorta the beginning of a their relationship. Mr.Big wrote a lovely letter to his ex not long after their encounter about the start of their beautiful friendship and that letter was hanging on the wall in their house. When i saw that i was jealous of his ex. He had someone like him at an early age, a guy who was willing to love him unconditionally. The ex left Mr.Big last year for this guy who's almost the same age as Mr.Big but better in appearance. He was also married to a woman and has 2 children. More dramas into their house. Not long after I met Mr.Big for the first time, They had a huge fight . I knew all this because Mr.Big was whining on status updates on fb and bb. Personally, i wouldn't want to be in that situation, their living condition is very uncomfortable. I don't even know why Mr.Big could handle this, i guess it's all about his love to his ex. If i were Mr. Big i would moved out and move on with my life alone. maybe live in a nice apartment in the city with the dog.

I stalked Mr.Big's ex because i was wondering about Mr.Big. Mr.Big unfriended me not long after we met because one of his lovers got jealous of me. It wasn't very nice of him, but at least he was honest and let me know the reason. At least i got a more personal contact than that site. His ex always put status updates every couple of days. When i was fallen for Mr.Big i stalked his ex to know how They are doing. It got me more and more jealous of him but at least I know that Mr.Big is okay. When i let go of the feelings, i stalk him again out of curiosity. I shouldn't do it but i guess i told myself that the stalking is the test wether I still have feelings for mr.Big or not. Well, honestly, i still do have feelings for him, but at the same time i have toughen up my heart. I would never project any possibilities of me being in a relationship with him, it's almost impossible, if it's happened anyway it will be another problem for me or for him. So better to leave it this way. I accept the fact that what happened in the other city stays there, It might happened again as he told me i don't know if it's genuine or not that he would want to go to visit my hometown with me. Well, that would be nice, or maybe another trip with him would be very nice. but I guess it'll be no more than that. I guess in the future he will find someone who is better looking than me or eve a better traveling partner because i don't think i care anymore. I guess what we had with him was very special because it was ll new for me, but not for him. I wish Mr.Big all the best of luck and love. I would consider him as a friend, maybe we will have some more fun in he future, or for coffee or meal together. But one thing for sure that I have toughen up my heart so it won't be as fragile as before and now I know the games that he's playing. I should play it well then in the future. and I would not wanna live in his house or spend any time with his ex partner and his ex's partner, that would be really sick and twisted. I hope i could see him again in the future. Best of luck Mr.Big!!


Thursday, October 28, 2010

How to mend a broken heart, The answer

After a while, now i realized that the best way to mend a broken heart is time. There is no shortcut or quick remedy for it. It took me exactly 3 weeks, couple of blogpost, hours of whining, counseling sessions, and 2 karaoke sessions just to get rid of this feeling. Now I accept myself and release the things that ate my heart out.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Letter to myself

Dear Mr.Big,

I wrote this letter not for you but for myself. Now, I’m in an emotional mess. What we had in the other city two weeks ago was very meaningful to me. I couldn’t forget every single time we spent together. I didn’t expect that our trip together meant a lot to me. I think I fell for you. I have never felt this way before to anyone. I just want you to know that you mean something to me. I have unexpectedly opened up my heart for you; It was like Pandora’s box. It was disastrous. I want me to be special in front of your eyes. I really like you. I want us to be together. I want you to guide me, I expect too much now. I feel disappointed to myself why I expect too much from you. When we parted ways, I felt heartbroken because I know mw ad you couldn’t be together unless you open up your heart to me. I don’t know what to do to make you fell the same way as I do. I want you. I don’t care about your baggage. I need to know what inside your heart. I feel that you treated me hot and cold. You are so cold to me every time I contact you on blackberry. I just want you to be honest to me. What do you feel about us? I want to assure that what we had didn’t just end up in the other city.  I have known you for almost 6 months even though we rarely met each other. but I felt that it was a very long time. I have been thinking about you sometimes. and now you are in my mind all the time. I feel so sick to myself.

When the first time we met. I was so surprised that you baked me rhubarb crumble after we did it. I was so touched by your gesture. You were so sweet to me. I did some wrong moves to force you to go to my place not long after we first met. I only thought of you that time as the sweetest guy i've been with. Now you mean more than that. You made me feel like a completely different person. I want you beside me. I want you next to me. I want you to feel the same way as I do. I couldn’t say that I love you but my heart is broken because you have not yet opened up your heart to me. I want to forget about you, forget what we had together 2 weeks ago. But I can’t it’s too hard.

I love the way you smile at me. I felt down when I first landed here. It continues until now. I wish us to be together, I don’t care what it takes. I subconsciously gave everything that I have to you without thinking out any risks. I fell for you madly and deeply. I never have think of anyone this deep before..

I don’t know why I’m losing myself. I feel like crap writing this letter to you, I will always remembers you fondly as the guy who baked me rhubarb crumble and the guy who took me to the other city for the first time.

I wish you all the best Mr.Big, I have to move on with my life in order to be sane again. I wish you feel the same way as I do and I hope we could meet again in the future. I have to let you and this feeling go. 


The priest

He's not exactly a priest, but he's a very religious man. When i first saw his profile, he looks sorta okay. Do-able. He's interested in meeting up, so i thought why not i give it a go. So we met after exchanging couple of phone calls and text messages. When i first saw him, he did look like his profile, but he was ungroomed and looked like a beast, an unattractive beast. So I didn't know why i ended up on the bed with him. The sex was okay, mediocre. He wanted me to be in charge, well to be honest i have not much experience being in charge but I tried my best. It was okay, but his appearance and his mannerism turned me off. He told me that he is in the closet but obviously he is a flaming gay man! he reminds me of stanford from sex and the city, not from the way he looks but the way he talks. I have nothing against it but it was quite a turn off.  i didn't regret meeting him though, I guess writing this experience up pays it off. I did treat him like dirt, it because he talked too much and i just wanted to shut his mouth and got into the business. To make it worst, my neighbor saw him. Oh it's embarrassing. The secret sex, and it's definitely a walk of shame. I'm not gonna contact him again ever. I guess once was just enough for me. I couldn't stand his personality. In or out of bed.


The Interior Architect

Couple months ago, I downloaded site #G in my iphone. It's a staple of every dude like me to have that application. He found me there, He's not good looking, shorter than me, and older but for some reason i was weirdly attracted to him. I went to his place that night, We're both smokers so we clicked right away. We was rough but to the extend that i tolerate, he smells nice, a combination of expensive cologne, cigarette smoke and sweat. he has some fetish which i don't mind. We had a great time. We did it again after 2 weeks. We had great pre-and post-coital conversations. He appears like a bad boy but he's polite. he's into japanese culture and cars. Very masculine. People must see him as a regular masculine bloke with an artistic tendency, he's also an ass. I like it. bad boys to play and good boys to keep. He's very polite but he's a beast on bed. After a while, we lost contact, We planned to meet up couple of times but never realized. The last time i contacted him he told me over the text: "We had some great time together, but let's just leave it.". I was really annoyed but oh well, there's plenty of fish in the sea.. That was 3 months ago. yesterday, i opened app #S after a while. I haven't been to any of my personal ads on the web for a week now but still open some applications, there's no harm in it i think to just look and browse. Then He saw me and woofed me. I said hi, then he tole me" "Is that you? Nice profile picture man! Sorry i lied I was under a lot of stress, i wanted to meet you again if that's cool with you". That was unexpected. Just too bad i was broke yesterday and didn't have any libido to meet him. I told him:"Yeah, let's meet up around this week, we'll see how it goes. Let you know". I don't know if i'm gonna meet him soon, but i was flattered, he remembers my name and his mistake. I guess i will meet him when i'm not busy. And I'll see how it goes.. A little bit of fun won't break my heart.


How to mend a broken heart

It's a process, It's a journey. It's something that i have to get through. There is no easy way out. I figure that since he's just not that into me, I should move on. There's no point wasting my heart from someone that won't return my affection. I wanted to be special, but  don't think he could do that to me. I should accept that fact. I didn't chase him, but assessing the situation It becomes unhealthy. For my sake. I wanted to have dinner with him, repeat what we had in the other city, It was one of the best days in my life. I wanted to be beside him, him mentoring me, guiding me, I want to be his and He's mine. I expected too much. My heart is broken when I was starting to accept that it won't be possible. Oh well, life must go on. and I have to stop being a desperate guy.


Sunday, October 17, 2010

The Norwegian part 2

We haven't spoken to each other for couple of weeks, just exchanging hi's and hello's but that it. I'm quite busy at the moment and I don't think i have time to waste on someone that i've never met. He also told me that he's been chatting with this guy on skype intensely, so i guess i will let them waste their time and not me wasting any on him. he's cute but he has baggages, he was honest to me so i don't care much. Being married on convenience for self pity to this poor woman makes him a better man but he's unhappy with his life. Not until he discovered an iphone application that changed his life. Ha, talking about mid-life crisis. I don't regret knowing him but i regret a little bit about how much time have i wasted talking to him on the other side of the world. I was hoping he will come to me and begin something wonderful together. It's just a silly dream and i've woken up. If i think about it again how come i could be smitten with a guy like him, with all the baggage and not being there for me when i needed him. It is just so pathetic of me. well, i guess  he will always be my friend. We never know what's going to happen in the future. I always have been wanting to visit his great city since ages ago. I will give him a quick visit at his optical store and ask him for a coffee in the future.

The droughts

Sometimes, I don't get lucky at all for a period of time. Try 2 months without any physical contact with anyone, life could be very frustrating. I think about passionate actions all the time during that period, at the most unimaginable places where when someone look at your pants it could be very embarrassing. Well, no one has ever caught me with a wood inside my pants, hopefully no one ever will. When I am in drought, I get really frustrated, sexually and emotionally. I feel that i'm having mood swings. I feel like shit and a failure for not getting any. Well i guess it's my nature of a man to feel that way when he has got the milk for free, he wants to have some more and more. My first port of call is the internet, i try different sites and some iphone applications. I hunt for the guys that i like from their profile. My criteria is someone older, okay looking, not a psycho, clean from diseases, prefer to do it safely  no sexual fetish, prefer or doesn't mind a guy like me physically and last thing is no string attached or fuck buddy potential. No emotional feelings or baggage to carry. If a woman has monthly visitor, a guy like me has one too. The strong urge to do it come once a month, mostly on the stressful days where I have to juggle the time between university studies, friends and fulfilling sexual needs. Finding a guy from the internet is not an easy task at all. it takes skills and courage. It's not the matter of auditioning a guy but also waiting for a guy to approach you back. sometimes it could take up to 3 hrs or more ping-pong messages and endless chat. It's getting more and more frustrating. When the urge is fulfilled, I feel satisfied and powerful. It's a man inside of me feeling that way. the feeling will last until the frustration comes again and the cycle continues. When I don't get any i feel more and more frustrated, although self release is an option but not as great as if you have a piece of meat to do it for you. Now in search of self healing i want to break the cycle. I have put my profiles on some sites on hiatus. I will not look for anyone anymore. I need to break the cycle. I guess this self imposed abstinence will heal me and make me sane again. I just hope so.

Saturday, October 16, 2010


Well, He read my bbm but he hasn't replied yet. I suppose he's just not that into me. I will not lose hope and give up but I have to release myself from this emotional drama. not worth every single second of my time.

He's just not that into me

I began to wonder if Mr. Big is not into me. I guess i just have to accept the fact. What we had in the other city was great but maybe i should just drop it there. What happened there stays there. I asked some of my closest and best friends some questions about dealing with this sickening feeling. M told me to wait, because he's wearing the pants and there's nothing i can do at this stage except wait. S, in the other hand told me that i should be nice to other people because of karma. She knows about my encounters with other guys and i always have been an ass. She also lectured me about love and how it is spontaneous and not planned. J told me to ask the inevitable question "what are we and where are we going?" I doubt myself to have the gut to ask and i don't wanna lose him. well. I have to be prepared if he won't call me anymore because he's just simply NOT INTO me. C suggests the same. Me and Signore Big have been known each other for 5 months although we haven't spend that much together. but the duration of time is long and i should consider it. I want him, he has baggages and so do i. I fell for him genuinely, ad i didn't plan it. I was off-guard with my heart in the other city, and when i was back here, I got my heart broken not because of him but because of myself. He has been hot and cold. I don't have the heart to contact him regularly, i'm afraid it will be just a one-way monologue. I think i don't expect much from him either. I just want me to be special in his eyes because he is, for me. If he's just not that into me then I have to move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea and It will be my luck to catch one in the future.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Heart vs. brain

I always gave the best advice to my friend from a single guy points of view. A pristine perspective from someone who has never encountered love or something similar. I always asked them "what does your heart   tells you what to do?" then i asked again "what does your brain tells you?". They listened and I always listen to what they told me about their experiences so i hoped that i could never encounter similar situations or solve it quickly. I am dead wrong. Now, I'm stuck in the same situation and simply clueless. My brain tells me to hold, but my heart tells me to act. If i hold, I'm afraid if he thinks that i disappear therefore cut all contacts with me or just to get myself ready to act later with a cold head and most likely cold heart. If i act now, there's four possibilities first he won't reply, therefore it ends there, second he replies but he won't lived up to my expectation and i might ended up more disappointed, third he replies and realized that i have feelings for him and that turns him off or the forth scenario is the happy ending, the start of something good. I know i shouldn't expect much from him or all this experience but I just can't help it. When you are stuck in this situation, you feel the ecstasy and agony at the same time and you can't think clearly. A friend told me don't expect anything and I have to try to let him go. I guess that is the best advice.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Plenty of Fish

During Dinnertime, My best friend told me that i should move on from these dramas because there are plenty of fishes in the sea. She hates seeing me feeling down but I've always been pessimistic about love and give advises to her, so it was her turn to do the same to me. She was laughing when i told her that i heartbroken. Well, i guess this is my first time and her count is more than 5. About fishes in the sea, I have 4 potential dates when i checked my inbox on the way home. Guy no.1 is looking for one night stand. Guy number 2 has been writing me messages for months and I never considered him because he's partnered. he wanted to take me on a date. guy number 3 also looking after sweet encounters and guy number 4 has been wanting to meet me since last year but because he's overseas it has never happened. So i guess i sort of moved on after hearing advises from my best friend. Someone also told me about the cure for Jay dramas is shopping theraphy and sleep with someone else quick. I guess i am a bit of a slut, but that's the best remedy for loneliness and heartbreak but not so much a cure. The cure i figured will be listening to a lot of Nina Simone.



I think this is the first time in my life i've encounter something that is sweet and painful at the same time. and make it double the agony. I felt like shit earlier, The guy that i had been seeing for the past 8 months suddenly replied my second attempt of contacting him on facebook message. His name is Jay, he's also much older than me. I really like older guys, much older than me. We met during christmas time, It was the loneliest time ever for me. I never really enjoyed the holidays anymore after i grew up and my family fell apart. Jay contacted me on #siteG, i rarely opened my inbox on that site but i was lucky, it was a weeks before christmas, He said hi first. on his profile he described that he put chemistry, so I figured that i need to play my cards right, after all most of the dates that i have either ends p nowhere or on the bed, I gave it a try see how this "chemistry" going. After exchanging backgrounds informations and availability we agreed to meet up the week after. I had a little fling with this young guy two days in a row before i met him for the first time, but that's another story. He texted me to check whether we still meeting up, I wasn't really into it because i was exhausted to be with a guy 2 days in a row, I almost cancelled but I ended up didn't because after all he just wanted to check out the chemistry, as what he stated in his profile. I met him for the first time on O street where he lives nearby. We agreed to have coffee in public but i wanted to be a little more discreet. We ended up having a drink at his place followed by early dinner at a very nice pizza place nearby. I did the check dance, he payed the bill. back at his place, 3 drinks, a pizza, 5 cigarettes later and a background check later, we had the chemistry to take it to the physical level. He had been single for 10 years. The last relationship didn't work out because of distance. I didn't want anything or expect so much of it after all we were just having fun. I left my bracelet at his place unintentionally. So i picked it up and we were started to seeing each other. Nothing serious just casual fun. Both of us comforted each other. The chemistry was there, but i wasn't thinking to move it forward so did he. We watched tv shows, made out on the couch, just what couples do without any intricacy. I loved the feeling to be around him, very soothing and comforting yet no fuss. When i was away overseas we always contacted each other, nothing too excessively just the right amount. We were seeing each other couple of times before we were really busy, both of us. The last time i saw him, we didn't do any physical activities and he told me that he had been seeing someone, but at that time i thought it was nothing serious because first, he'd been single and I also met someone else. We talked like a friend but i also felt the comfort. I went overseas again after our last meeting. When i was back i texted him, and he replied but not interested in meeting me. I forgot about him until he crossed my mind again around August. I messaged him, he didn't reply. 2 weeks ago, I started to think about him again, to make it worst, I saw him on the street, I didn't recognize him at first but i did recognized his t-shirt. but He was too far for him to chase and It would be awkward as he was with his friends. I messaged him again, but he didn't reply. On facebook, i stalked him and he was invited to this event, a single mixer. he commented that on that page that he was surprised that he found someone and he couldn't even believe it. I has a bit heartbroken but i never really thought about it. I moved on. Then my sweet escape came along and I was back in the city. yesterday i had a drama with myself and i got over it. Well, on the way to see my best friend M for dinner, jay finally replied my message. he told me that the relationship with the guy that he has been seeing is now getting serious. I was just heartbroken when i heard that also adding the drama yesterday, i was in an emotional mess. Thank god my best friend came into rescue over dinner. She advised me about stuff and I think the best thing now is just to forget about him. I just have to move on. I guess i will be happy if he found someone that i hoped it was me but I have to be happy for him. after 10 years he finally get what he wanted. I hope the best for him. I don't think i will ever reply his message. It will sound so cheap and desperate, Maybe i will keep in touch with him later, but not at this near moment. I need to get my heart fixed quickly before i get on my feet again.


Wednesday, October 6, 2010

When was the last time you did something for the first time?

The title of the post refers to new experiences. Last week i did something wonderful and exciting for the first time, and i couldn't remember i did something new. It involves an escape with another city with a special someone. Let me call him Mr. Big. I met him around 5 months ago. We met on the net, he said hi, so i said hi back and clearly we were interested in each other. At that time, all i could think of just a full physical relationship maybe friendship and nothing more. I was so sure that i didn't want anything more. I was lonely yet I felt that my life was complete. I was totally wrong. Now I want intimacy, I always keep my options open and now i've never been this lonely ever in my entire life. Back to Mr. Big, he is way much older than me, the age difference does not turn me off, It does turn me on and He is from Italian background and grew up somewhere near where i live in now. The chemistry was there when i first met him but i never really think of him that much not until yesterday where I felt that I fell for him. I guess this is also the first time i feel this way I don't know why but maybe the combination of having too much fun and full intimacy made me feel this way and I just couldn't describe the word for this feeling. It is bittersweet, It makes me smile and grin whenever i think about it or him but also at the same time It made me heartbroken. I spend almost a week in Melbourne, He suggested to come with him on our 3rd date. It was an offer that change my life completely. At first, I always think about going to Melbourne, alone as i have my best friend there and That's my first intention and priority to see him. I just couldn't resist the offer. I forced myself bought the ticket even though my finances weren't so good. It was the best decision i've ever made to have a sweet escape out of Sydney. I came down 2 days earlier than him. He wanted to buy me the ticket but i couldn't let him do it for the the sake of my so-called principle. I told him just to cover some expenses and we take turns on meals. The first 2 days in Melbourne was amazing. I just love it. and seeing my best friend for more than a year and hanging out with him just made my trip. Then he came along on my 3rd day. We spent the night at his hotel, I've never really have a sleep over or sharing a bed and sleeping with a guy before. It was my first time. We slept naked, we cuddled, and We made love in the morning. The next day, we had breakfast and I treated him. i didn't want him to get the wrong idea of him being my sugar daddy. Well, he's older after-all but i want it to be equal. we was impressed with the gesture and I always played the check dance before we paid the bill for meals. He upgraded our room into a suite for us to make us felt more comfortable. He is too polite yet he has mood swings. I felt lost yet i love being around him and I hope he felt the same way too. Just afraid to lose him or lose the good feeling. I should be strong because he might have just used me and I used him. The emotional challenge about this is very new and the game is getting harder.

I remember the first time i met him, We agreed that our relationship is strictly physical with a touch of friendship and intimacy. I agreed. He was so sweet and I was really impressed when he baked me my favorite desert, the rhubarb crumble after we did it. I just hope that he's still around when my options are much more open. because I would love to repeat the same experience over and over again. just too bad if he won't think of it the same way as i do and just disappear.

A god friend of mine who gives this kind of advice told me to Forget about him completely and the experience or just keep the experience to get over these things quickly. It's just something i need to do because i need to move on. realistically, I don't think being in a relationship with him is not an option at this moment, not impossible nor feasible but We have baggages. And I just need to move on quickly yet i still want to remember the whole experience. so choose the latter option. I just hope i made the right decision



I haven't updated this blog for almost a month. Too much things happening at the same time, not to mention this stupid anxieties which makes me feel unable to do work. I guess mostly it's because of my pathetic intimate encounters or the lack thereof made me feel so depressed. I tried to talked to councillor and it helps a it. I just need to regain back my confidence and start to get back on my feet ASAP. i'm just tired being uninspired, I need excitement. I just need my life back. 

That's all what i wished for now.