Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Home sweet home

‎"What if I just can't find my way back home" - Bag raiders

So here i am in my hometown. A city of 11 million people and none of them are interested in me to shag. Most sites that has adult contents are blocked by stupid pornography laws including my favourite dating sites. grindr is on but i hate the quality of people are there. Maybe i'm a potato queen inside a bag of rice. 

I met a guy from grindr yesterday and he doesn't look as good as in the picture. total disappointment, i was gonna ditch him and stood him up after we order the coffee but i was being a gentleman and talk to him for around half an hour. He was very nice, but he's not a type a person that i would have fun with or be in a relationship with. Maybe i was just curious to test the water and the scene here back home. Nothing is easy, but it's much much easier in sydney. Here guy wouldn't go straight to the point that they just want to fuck each other but instead it's endless conversation until both parties lost interest. ironic isn't it? 

This guy has the same name as me, works at a bank, well educated joined gay choir group highly photogenic. he was patience enough to be stuck in a traffic for 2 hours just to meet me. When i first saw him, i was utterly dissapointed with the way he looks, the way he dressed, oh well maybe physically he's not that bad but he has bad skin. that was a total turn off. He couldn't talk, instead, he looked at me with huge smile in his face, he loosened up a little when i told him my story and finished half of our coffee and sipping cigarettes, but still i wasn't interested in him at all. 

"it's not you it's me" :) lol. 

So, here i am sitting at an ultra trendy establishment, stealing their internet and smoking black marlboro, horny and waiting for any response from grindr. if grindr failed i should go out, or wait til my friend to introduce me to these bunch of gay expats so i could get laid. maybe i'm that desperate. 

or i should just rub one out.

Greetings from bright light big city. 

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

This is the thing.

"I don't know if you noticed anything different
It's getting dark and it's getting cold and the nights are getting long
I don't know if you even noticed at all
That I'm long gone baby, I'm long gone

And the things that keep us apart keep me alive and
The things that keep me alive keep me alone" - FINK

I'm on Holiday at the moment, away from Sydney for 3 weeks. It's feels nice to be back at home. Tropical weather, familiar faces, comforting food. There's a lot of things happened in months of not blogging, i've been wanting to blog but i couldn't pour all my thoughts into writing. 

Few weeks go, I met up with Mr.Big again. we've been hanging out for few times after the break up. nothing happened. just friends. People asked me how can i be friends with a guy who hurt me and rejected me? I have  no idea but one thing that i know, I've moved on for sure. 

We met up for a movie a week a go, It was cold sydney night. He hanged out a little bit before the movie, we drank wine, smoked up and watch the tv. we cuddled, it was so cold and we kept each other warm but nothing happened. He flirted with me and i flirted back. I didn't want to start all over again with him but he hinted by his action. I'm over him, but it was nice to have him as a company. He's still the same, his touch, his smell, his smile. I didn't regret spending time with him. I've got nothing to lose.

I asked him about his Thai islandboilover, the guy who stole him from me. He said that they're no longer "together" but still talking. The guy was mad jealous of me, He told me few months ago, I felt content, it boosted my ego and confidence. 

We held hands, we cuddled, we kept each other warm, I felt nothing. It all felt so familiar. I think he's trying to get me back. Did he regret with all the things that he did to me. I got hurt but I've moved on. I don't want to start anything with him anymore. or continue with what we left off.

He's a nice person but I couldn't see myself being with him. there's no future in him, or in us.
What we had was special but That's all about it.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

It's too late

I was once infatuated with you, I like the grease on your hair, you smell, the way you look at me. That stare, I just knew that you wanted me. I gave you that look back. Our lips might say the opposite things, but our eyes couldn't lie. Seconds went into minutes, minutes into hours then days, weeks and months. We talk, we make each other laugh, we made love.
You slept on my bed, I slept on yours. i cuddled you from behind, i wanted to make you feel secure that night. you and me, and nothing really maters except the both of us. I wanted hold on to the feeling forever but when the sun was rising in the morning we know that our clock is ticking. We made love again. It was beautiful. I played with you hair, and you played with mine. you gave me the best back rub, and I tried my best to give you massage. We cuddled, i could feel that your heart was beating fast, and mine too.
i wanted to say things that i've never said to anyone before but i was just too scared to let you know. You expected me to say it first and I wanted you to say those words to me too. We played the game then we both lost. I hate losing but i learned much. i still see you, you are my friend. We still make each other smile but i stopped playing with your hair and your heart.
i'm not interested in playing another game with you, you know it. I don't dare to break your heart or you break mine. We would flirt, cuddle, and sleep on each other's arm but not kiss or make love anymore. It's not wise. Now the feeling is just gone. I hate to think 'if only' but things that never happen will now forever gone. Now it's too late. you didn't break my heart and i didn't break yours. It's good that we stop playing the game and move on with each other's life. Everything's not lost. the feelings might be gone but the memory would be there forever, and I know for sure that i will think of you as someone very special in my heart, because you made me very happy for a moment.