Friday, December 31, 2010

Recent part.5

As the new year's getting closer. I feel more and more excited for the new year. this year was not a very good year but i learn a lot about life. When i was 17, i thought i knew everything. but boy i was wrong. there was a lot of things that i didn't know then. and now I knew that life is bittersweet.

Last week, I invited him over to my house for the first time and met my friend from overseas, he didn't expect my gesture and it was impromptu. I live with my cousins and they don't know anything about me fancy another guy. Being in the closet is tricky, you will never have any chance to invite anyone. especially i like older guys, and that is super tricky. That day, my cousin who i live with is away so i invited him over to meet my good friend from overseas. We all had a great time together, had great whine, meal and quality conversations. I'm glad that he saw how i live, he always tease me ever since that he wants to move in with me and live at my very nice house. fat chance amigo!!

I invited him again after work the next following day, we fooled around a little and had a great time watching a movie together. It was bliss. cuddling with the man that i like. I like him for his heart and his brain but not his baggage and his joke. it just turns me off the most. His lips tastes like candy from the cloves cigarettes that he smokes. I like kissing him, after all he's italian he knows what passion is. He told me that he's gonna go with the flow with me. that's a good thing to say to a clueless guy.

Days before christmas it's his busiest day of the year before the holidays and I don't get to see him for a few days. He invited me to have a BBQ dinner at his faghag's place. I agreed to do it, I had an okay time with them. It wasn't exactly a blast but not a bad time either. I hate his jokes. He joked to everyone that i'm his pool boy and he's gonna move in with me. haha very funny. well, at least i made a really good impression to his bff, the fag hag who thinks that i'm cute. :)

Then the argument happen, the day before xmas eve, I got very sensitive by his jokes and I showed him the worst of me.

I also told him to have a fucking merry christmas and a fucking new year when i was drunk and he spelt my name incorrectly when we were texting each other on xmas eve, I went drinking with my friend accompanying her ease the loneliness together. oh well, it was not an elegant move but when I was intoxicated. He brought me a xmas gift the following day. but I wasn't treating him nicely either. I still a bit hurt from his friend's remark about him having a sugar son like me. that was just way out of line. and I was upset because he flirted with a guy that's not as cute or smart as me. I felt more and more insecure.
I was really bitter to him and I asked him why didn't he contact the singaporean guy that he fancy and go to the nude beach and have fun with him. He replied that the guy gave him a text but he won't go anywhere with him. He told me that there's no point of having fun with this guy as he lives overseas. I kissed him goodbye and let him go. He's away to Thailand now.

i told him that i won't contact him unless it's important, but i couldn't do it. Couple days ago, he texted me his number there, so i called him and asked him how he was doing. he told me that he was a little lonely there. i told him that if only he asked me to go couple weeks ago, i would join him but since he didn't ask i couldn't just go like that, oh well i have a job too. I called him again yesterday and it seems that he's enjoying his time there. couldn't complain that he's having a blast there having fun with all the boys there!! I don't feel jealous at all, and i don't care much if he's having fun with other guys. does it mean that i understand him, or is it just the closure? I wrote a post couple days ago about closure with him. Maybe we will only become friends or we might not be more than what we are now. I am clueless, i don't know what i want. He told me that being in Thailand alone for the first few days was agony but he seems to enjoy it now. He also told me that his ex told him that he should find himself first and fnd another later. He also told me that if he won't find himself, then he will find rebounds. Does that mean that i'm a rebound. I told myself that i'm special to him, after all could he find anyone better than me, if he could than I think i will gladly let him go. it's easier for me to find another one than he finds one for himself. That's the theory, i'm young and he's old it's as simple as that. I know that his heart is broken and he hasn't got over it. I knew his feelings towards his ex is still the same and there's nothing could change that. I think his ex, the deaf guy is the luckiest person in the world who has 2 incredible guys who love him unconditionally. I envy him, but then again i shouldn't be jealous because I have what the ex doesn't have. I listen and the guy is deaf. Mr.Big still cares about him very much, they're more than best friends. I've never met the guy but from his texts and their conversations on the phone, His love is unconditional. Once i asked about it and he denied that he's still in love with the guy. I knew that he still loves him unconditionally. He told me that he didn't feel hurt, i guess it's bullshit. He hurts a lot and now he's recovering. It's been more than a year, but officially it ended 6 months ago. I guess they were trying to have a 3 way relationship but It was a total failure. I learn more and more about him. and It still left me clueless about us. One day he told me to go with the flow, and the other day he told someone in front of my ears that he's not looking for any relationship. So it left me even more clueless. I like him a lot. i was infatuated with indescribable reasons. whtas wrong with me. does this thing what is called love. I used to not believe in it, even my parent's marriage wasn't based on love. I grew up without love. There's this great quote from mad men, "The reason you haven't felt it is because it doesn't exist. What you call love was invented by guys like me to sell nylons". I believe in that quote just before i met him. he showed me what is called affection, he rocked my world. is he playing me up to mend his broken heart or he is genuinely like me but he's scared. I know that he's intimidated by me, i seem to have everything that he doesn't have. My ability to share is out of the question. but i think i might be able to rescue him, at least cheer him up. That's the only thing that i could offer. After all, i feel comfort in him. 

I'm not going anywhere this new year's eve, I don't feel like celebrating at all and I felt bit down during the day but not anymore. I hope next year will be much better than this year. cross my fingers X


Recent part.4

I haven't written much but i should keep record of everything. I hate it that i don't write much whenever i'm in a good position but i always write in an emotional position. So I have to write about what has been happening in the past week. I just want to keep record of everything in this blog before the year closes. Things have been up and down with my Mr.Big. I know him much better now. Now i know what kind of person he is. So 2 weeks ago, He invited me to go a drink with his best friends. It was great meeting his friends, I made really good impression to them. It was not my kind of place. Beresford hotel on saunday evening. I was a little reluctant to go, but i thought i was just gonna say hi to them. I had a drink and he told me he wanted me to meet his other friend, his fag hag. So off we went, We just dropped by, didn't spent much time there but at least he opened up to me to see his world. We went on a supper in the city, My favorite restaurant. They were all impressed by my choice of place and I know the tricks to jump out the queue so We were all happy about it. At that time, I was dying to sleep with him. So i asked him if he wanted to stay over. He said he couldn't the reason because his ex left him their dog to take care because the ex was on a trip overseas. I felt totally annoyed about it. that means that he has baggage to take care of, Oh well, the chance of me sleeping with him will be rare in the future. But i just let it go, all my emotions were not important as him has to carry al his baggage.

Couple days after, He texted me in Italian, asking me to go out on a dinner with him. I said yes, i was super excited that day because I just got a job and he said that it's a reason to celebrate. He asked me to go to his place first so we could go to the city together. So i agreed to go to his place where he lives with his mom. When i got there, it was not a good situation. he was just lying on the bed watching Tv and ignored me. I joined him on the bed and he didn't wanted to move. I really hate the feeling. and to be honest, I was really horny but I couldn't do much about it because lack of privacy. It left me more and more frustrated, I confronted him a little, and asked him why he was acting this way. He said he just had dinner and he could hardly move. In my mind, it's all WTF. so i said to him, if you don't want to have dinner with me why would you bother asking me to come to his place. He then get dressed and ready to leave. I saw the tiredness in his eyes and he's just not into it. I said again to him, "Look, If you don't want to go out with me it's fine. let's do raincheck another time.". He was only wearing boxer shorts and ugly t-shirt. so halfway to the city I asked him whether he had another pants to change because if he;'s going to supper with me he's not dressed appropriately. He then stopped the car and changed, He said "Look, I don't want to embarrass you" and He agreed to go for supper with me. In front of the restaurant, I still have doubts about him having late night meal with me. I was starving at the time and he already had his meal in couple hours. I made sure that he was really into it or else it would be pointless if i force him to do something that he was just not into. If he wouldn't wanted to go, it would be fine with me. His mood changed completely, maybe i was a little too strong on him, He suddenly really into it. I brought up the subject that he was acting like a complete asshole the other week when he cried in front of me at the restaurant. He said he apologized for it. he couldn't remember what he said to me but I still remember clearly and I know that he didn't mean it. He apologized again if he hurt my feelings and i accept it gladly. We had a quite enjoyable dinner. I payed the bill. We had quite a conversation after dinner. I saw it in his eyes that he really likes me and into me. He asked a lot of questions about my interests, my favorite movie, and music, He has the bigger idea of what kind of person i am. From his stories and what i saw, most of the guys that he dated or in a relationship with was not even similar like me. I felt special in a way. but then again, i might be a guy who has a heart of steel and he has a heart of glass. He opened up a lot to me that he is a pathetic person. He feels like a failure in these couple of years. I assure him that i don't expect much from him and likewise. but I said to him that He has me for the moment, and that's the most important thing. I like spending time with him, i feel the comfort. He's a nice guy but just has too many baggage in his life. His ex, his job, his loneliness, his debt, and so many people rely too much on him. I can feel his burden but i wouldn't dare to actually help him carry it. it's not my interest to do so.
We parted ways and we kissed, clearly that he couldn't stay over because of the dog but before we parted I asked him whether he still wants to kiss me, he said yes. I asked him again whether he wants to sleep with me again. He said yes. It was quite an assurance that he wants me in his life for the moment and I want the same thing too. It was a nice night, I didn't get to sleep with him but I get to know him better. He said that his old age and lack of ambition drove him to treat me badly that night, He was really sorry about it. When we parted, he was a little teary. In my mind, hmm.. he is really pathetic. :)


Monday, December 27, 2010


My mr.big is going away to Thailand today for holiday, before he left, we met couple of times after the silly fight we had before christmas. I had a blast this holiday season, just a little out of love but everything was much better than last year where i spent it alone. I have a lot of question to ask myself, whether i want closure with mr.big or not. I said goodbye but he doesn't like it, he said "see you later". I care deeply about him, i don't want to break his heart but i need to protect my heart first. These couple of days, he wasn't here with me physically but emotionally we were. We called each other so many times, I know that he doesn't want to lose me, but I think if i close my heart to him, I shouldn't lose more than what i had already got. I think when he's back it'll be another chapter of my life next year. He doesn't want relationship, and I don't even know what i want. I like him, i really do, but i don't think it's something called love yet. I have been infatuated with him, by his action, his genuine feelings since the first time i met him. Would my affection be the same towards him after he's back in 2 weeks or I would close my heart for good. The fight last week taught me something, he's more vulnerable than i think. yet, i'm very secured of my life. but i felt a little greedy because i want love. Not sure if it's too much too ask for a young guy who seems to have everything in his short life.

He gave me a christmas present, it's his all time favorite feel good movie, "almost famous. It was a good gesture, i still haven't given him anything but i let him borrow my recent favorite book "Call me by your name" by Andre Aciman. It's a really good book about first love. a short affair but with a long time implication. I expect him to read it while he's away so he has the right idea of what i feel towards him. but i think he won't read it, he will be having fun most of the time while he's there.

"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away. This year to save me from tears, i will give it to someone special"-WHAM

On the brighter side, I have a date this week with a guy who kinda healed my broken heart with great sex and thoughtful conversations. I met him around 2 months ago, when my heart was broken. It was a great date and he was a true gentleman. Just too bad that he was in a relationship and now he's single and ready to meet me again.

Mr.Big and this guy has a lot of similarities both are around the same age, and has some baggage in their live. They drink different type of coffee. Mr.Big is picollo latte, without sugar. A bitter dark condensed drink with a strong after taste smoothed by steamed milk yet Mick, is cappuccino with one sugar. A sweet delicious drink, full of froth and bubbly. and I'm flat white, something in between two of them.

They also wear casio watches from the same range and both of them also smoke clove cigarettes, Mr.big smokes gudang garam, a manly man's cigarettes and Mick smokes Sampoerna Amild menthol, a typical women's cigarettes. I love the taste of their lips when i kiss one of them, so different and yet sweet. literally sweet lips from the cigarette aftertaste.

I'm excited to see M again later this week. really looking forward to it. It might be the beginning of something, wait and see Mr.Lemon.


Friday, December 24, 2010

First argument

Things have been heated up lately. I think the more you know somebody, the well you know them. This is the case with my existing mr.big. He likes to make corny jokes and i'm quite a serious man. He's not serious and i'm too serious. I should ease up a little even though we speak the same language, in terms of humor we're lost in translation. I take his jokes seriously, I know it's not serious but i don't like the way he put things so lightly. It's not even funny sometimes. I like dark humor, and ironic things. that's me.  I laugh hard and harder when people are miserable. I think it does it make me a bad person. He told me once that he's naive, and i'm clearly not. but then again i might not know anything about life because of my age. But I do know how to protect myself. getting heartbroken once by him was an enough experience. i don't know when's the next one's gonna be. Is it going to be from the same person or from another,but i know it's unavoidable. It's one of the things that makes me grow up. I don't know if what i did tonight was childish or sensible mature like. I have no idea. It started from this.

Around midday he bbm me saying hi and asked me what i was up to, unconsciously i want to make him a little jealous saying that i'm with a new friend and i'm accompanying that person shopping. without telling him the gender of this person. "someone that i just met yesterday", that was my exact word. I wasn't trying to play games but it was sending him a negative energy. I shouldn't have done it but deep inside i was wondering if he really likes me. My mistake, sometimes i just want an assurance. I don't care wether he want's a relationship with me or not but i like myself to be liked by someone and maybe that's just enough for me. I'm an attention whore whenever i want to but always keep it low key most of the time. He called me later and i asked him for a drink with me that evening. It's bit hard to see him, as it's christmas time and we're both busy. He's going to thailand on monday for three weeks so It's hard to see each other before he leaves. We talked about it and we managed to see each other as much as we could. Things might have change after he leaves on a holiday. Never know where we might be, losing interests with each other is possible. He might be back full of diseases and more baggage than ever or a plus one, an island lover. Haha maybe i'm thinking too much, but it's what's in my head now. I should given him a chance, at least a space. I'm getting more and more powerful, and enjoying my youth and He's at the end of it. He's getting old and I'm closer to my prime. We were having our drinks somewhere in cockle bay, and he said he was't in a good mood but he didn't tell me why. I told him about my day i was accompanying an elderly lady to shopping today. He told me that he's going out tonight for drinks with his friends and i'm invited. I had 3 more invitations that night but i chose to be with him. We went to pick up his friend, a young chinese gentleman. he's alright but i didn't to know him much tonight. They were gonna see their other friends and his new friends as well. He asked me if i wanted to tag along so i agreed to it. he dropped me off at my house so i could get ready and they would too at his house. I waited for quite a while and they picked me up back. I had a bad feeling of tagging along with them but i guess it could be fun. I kept asking him whether he wanted me to go with him. because honestly, i wouldn't mind if i'm not included, not trying to be a busy gentleman but i had some better offer than going to have a drink at oxford st. He was joking all along at the car and i wasn't feeling comfortable about it. nothing serious but just plain uncomfortable. something like he should moves in with me because i live in a luxury house and he lives in a shed or when he told me to get out of the car, he was joking but he never know what i'm capable of. for me it's a dare. the more he makes those jokes the more i feel challenged and show him what i'm capable of.

he picked me up with his friend to go to oxford st, clearly i wasn't giving his friend a good impression of myself like i always do. is it because he's also young and a little cuter than me? Do i feel intimidated because he's taller than me? or the fact that i'm simply jealous of his friend and during 2 hours i was waiting in my house they could have sex together like animal. I just don't want to think about it too much, it's driving me insane. On the way to oxford st, the chinese guy was asking him wether mr.big has a boyfriend or not and he said no and not planning to look one or have any in the future, i closed my ears when i heard it. it's simply because i don't know what i want and he knows what he doesn't want.

We went to oxford st, we had dinner then meeting up his other friends for drinks. everything seems alright. I had an okay night, it wasn't a blast. His friends and him was buying me drinks. I don't really like to be paid, unless it's a very close and personal friends or family. it's just my principle. so i don't feel like owing anybody anything even when it's a shout. then another group comes, it's the chinese guy's friends from singapore. There's this particular guy that he was kinda interested and i have a feeling that he might chase after him for fun. That guy was not as cute as me and has a weird face, i don't mind if he's after someone who is better than me in every way but i felt more and more insecure if he's after someone that hasn't got the same quality as me or as close. I heard their conversations because they sat next to me. He asked the singaporean guy wether he has time in the next few days to take him on "eastern suburbs" tour, showing him where he lives around there. I had the "tour" the first time i met him, and i didn't know what was the point of mr.big asked the singaporean guy to be his tour guide. Mr. Big also complimenting his perfume, a cheapo discontinued one. I felt bit disgusted by his actions.  I also heard that they're exchanging phone numbers. it's sick, the transactions is just in front of my eyes, what was he thinking, was he testing my ability or he's fucking with me. writing this up just a simple way to channel my pissy mood tonight.

We left the group early, the chinese guy needs to go home so he could get a ride to the train stations and i was gonna go with him because we live not far from each other. On the way to the car, he was making some jokes about money pointing out to the chinese guy, "You should pay me for your drink!!" when i heard it, i felt uneasy , so i put a $20 note into his pocket and told him that he should have it because he's broke and i'm rich. and i like to pay my own drinks. It wasn't a smooth move. The chinese guy said that mr big is lucky to have a "sugar son" He was bit offended and we argued a little, i didn't like the situation so i ran. He didn't think that i would be serious about running away, but i left them. Something that i had to do. Something that i'm actually capable of. I felt powerful instantly, i took a cab and went back home, the cab had to make a turn so i saw them waiting for me for a bit and left. It was kind nice to have that kind of attention. I bbm him, "sweet dreams bub, see you after thailand" he replied with a triple question marks "???" i called him. i wanted to make it up to him because i felt that i wasn't fair for him to be treated that way. we sorta straight the matter up and i told him, didn't it feel like a joke for you? i asked him to go for breakfast tomorrow morning. we'll see what happen. to be honest, i was a little turned off by the whole situation.

I'll see what happened tomorrow. Not sure if he's gonna see me, or he'll go swimming with the singaporean guy at the nudist beach.


Monday, December 13, 2010

Recent part.3

Last Wednesday, He bbm me in the morning, He asked me if i wanted to go for a quick trip to the another city that evening. Without asking the purpose, I agreed. I had nothing to do that evening as i'm on holiday. He picked me up after work around 5pm, it's quite a long journey 200km roundtrip on the same day. I didn't expect anything. He was clearly tired afterwork, I didn't know why he was doing this trip if he was flat tired like that. Around 30 minutes after he picked me up, I asked him why he's asking me to go, He told me his ex left something at their friend's place last weekend and he's getting what they left that night. In my mind, I had mixed emotions about it. I wasn't jealous, but clearly i was a little irritated. The ex has disability, and They were together for 7 years. I just simply can't compete with that. Most of the whole journey i was mute. One side of my brain wanted to scream and question why is he being so damn nice to the ex but in the other side of my brain tells me to just enjoy the ride. We didn't say anything much, most of the time we were smoking, holding hands and listening to pink floyd. I shed a tear, i didn't know why clearly, i guess it was the music and the situation making me emotional. He didn't know. We hold each other hands for the whole journey. I guess, it's the journey that makes the trip not the destination. I enjoyed the journey, it was long and a little painful but I think it's worth the trip. i was an expression but also a literal feeling of me at that time. When we reached his friend's house, I didn't expect anything, i thought we were going to just pick up the thing and leave. maybe stayed for dinner and say hello. He introduced me to his friends, They were great. Very eclectic. We drank a home brew liquor and have nice conversations. We stayed there for almost 3 hours. Then we made the trip back. I enjoyed meeting his friends, I didn't regret a single second spending time with him.

On the journey way back, we held hands like we were on the way there. I can see fatigue in his eyes. I feel his exhaustion. I just couldn't help it wonder why is it his duty to do such thing. My brain is telling me something. The plan was to drop the thing to his ex and back home. But it was simply too late and he was tired. I looked at the sunroof, The stars were so beautiful. I've never seen anything quite like it. Maybe because we were in the countryside. I looked at the stars and try not to think about it much further. His ex called him on our way back when we stopped at mcdonald's to get something to eat. He didn't want me to hear their conversations, he was gone for couple minutes and i moved further away from him to give him some privacy. I was wondering, they have such an incredible bond that no-one is able to break it. The ex has a partner but he's always been dependent to him. I told myself again i can't compete with the ex. It's impossible. I asked him is he still in love with his ex, he answered no. But i can feel that he's half lying. he corrected again, "of couse, as a friend". I asked him was it painful breaking up with him? he said no. It was slow and painless. In my mind, He was lying but I put a blind eye on it. It doesn't matter anymore. I have a clear idea what he's like as a person. He is someone who is just being way too nice to everyone that he loves. and I don't think i am included yet. It doesn't matter anymore, i'm done being curious about him. All the cards were already opened. Not sure if making further moves is worth it.


Sunday, December 12, 2010

Recent part 2.

We agreed to see see each other again on Monday night, He picked me up and went to dinner. During dinner, everything started fine. I missed him and he looked great. We ordered something a little bit too much, but we were starving. We started drinking and it was like a truth serum, we were just talking about everything, He explained to me that he was out of town with his ex. I was a little jealous for sure. He and his ex has a beautiful friendship. After all, they were together for 7 years. The ex left him for someone as old as him but better looking. All three of them used to live together up until they have to move out from their house. His ex is very dependent on him. well, he has special needs. Well, I don't think i can't compete with him and it's just not worth it if i do that. But I pity my old man, he has just too many baggage in his life. To be honest i'm not sure if i can help him carry it, after-all i also have mine. I asked him a lot of questions, very uncomfortable questions. I guess it was the alcohol that made me did such things. He answered everything and I felt that he was honest completely to me. I told him that i like him. After a moment, I told him honestly that I don't expect much from him. and I make sure that He has me and I have him for the moment. He told me that i'm playing safe, I told him back that i don't want to get my heart broken. Then He asked me this:"Are you lonely?, I can feel your loneliness." then He dropped a tear. I then asked him back "Tell me all about it buddy!" and I comforted him. I can feel that It wasn't me that he was referring to, but himself, he just has way too many baggages and He needs a release. I can feel it that he really likes me, it was an assurance. I felt secure but then again He told me: "Look, I don't think i'm a position where i can be in a relationship now" I can totally understand about it. I want him, but I don't want his baggage. Call me selfish but i guess It's just the consequences of dating an older man. Baggage. 
Then he was trying to be an asshole, he told me that he's done enough of being people pleaser and taking care of others and He wants someone who can take care of him. Something that is almost impossible to do in my dictionary. I believe in equal share of give and take, rather than a one way communication. He was still drunk at that time but I sobered up. He also told me that half jokingly that A lot of guys had taken advantage of him and It was his turn to take advantage of me. I told him no way, I felt a little sick in the stomach when i heard that because I am genuinely does not taking advantage of him. I am born privilege enough to actually taste most materials things in life except emotions. I was this close to actually leave the table but He didn't mean what he said, and I know deep inside He has a nice heart. 
When we left the restaurant, he's still drunk. he needed me for support, he was holding my hands and arm tightly, I refused. I broke it, and He complained "You don't love me then". Then I asked him back "Do you even love me?". He couldn't answer. At that time, My eyes were wide open. I know what's going on with him, It's his many many baggage. He's afraid to commit into something more,  At the same time, he wants me. It was a nice feeling, assurance. at least I know what he wants. He also told me that when he's in a relationship he doesn't like the feeling of being tight up and he always wants something more. I don't know if it's true or not, but he hasn't seeing anyone else or had sex with anyone else except me. I do believe him, because He was looking into my eye, I don't think i actually have a problem with him sleeping with another dudes. because i also play it safe, I slept with another guy behind his back, but it was just a cheap one night stand nothing more than what we had together. I didn't tell him because he didn't ask but I think i would tell him the truth if he asked. Afterall, we're not committed to each other and We're just simply hanging out.
What happened last monday opened my eyes. Is this worth pursuing or not. Should I rescue him and he rescue me so we can be happy together or just leave him and I go for another guy who has less baggage. 
one thing I know about myself, Now I'm less curious about him. It's all said. cards are already opened just need to play it right, this is not a game but an experience because nobody will win or lose, just got hurt at the end.


Saturday, December 11, 2010

Recent part.1

Me and Mr.Big has been hanging out again for almost 3 weeks now. Everything is great i guess. I just don't want to expect to much but our definitely our relationship is getting stronger and stronger. Last week, the communication between us wasn't so great. I guess because he was busy and i worried. I was a little anxious because He didn't contact me at all for a few days, and my heart gets a little hurt when i saw that he's been online in one of the gay sites. I shouldn't but i just can't helped it. Did he get jealous the fact that i was online too or I was just worrying too much, but I figured he's going to Thailand for holiday in 2 weeks. Seriously, If i have the money right now i might surprise him and followed him, but i know it's just not possible.

I made a mistake, i told my friend about him and i questioned whether he likes me genuinely or just playing around with me. he hadn't really told me about what he wants for me. So i was just simply clueless and keep guessing meaning I might lose my head so i stopped. I listened to my friend's advice which i shouldn't. I should've followed my guts, my instinct more than a friend. She told me if i wanted to test him out whether he likes me or not, I should ignore him back for 3 days. and I did. My head wasn't clear, i became obsessed with him. I thought he was ignoring me too but I also ignored him. I got obsessed by him at that time, I felt like I was going insane. I listened to Morrissey, particularly to this song. "The more you ignore me, the closer i get"
The more you ignore me The closer I get You're wasting your time, Beware ! I bear more grudges Than lonely high court judges When you sleep I will creep Into your thoughts Like a bad debt That you can't pay Take the easy way And give in Yeah, and let me in. 
That song just explained everything. By the third day, i couldn't breathe anymore. I need to do something to clear the air, So I gave him a blackberry message, he said he's out of town visiting friend. Well i was a little disappointed because he didn't even tell me that he's going. But at least i know that he's still alive. I didn't want to intrude so i gave him time. So after 2 days, I saw him online on msn. So i said hi, he told me that he's back in Sydney. well, gave him a call. I guess i shouldn't started playing games with him because either way, i will lose. It was definitely a test for me for how much do i like him. 

Food and Emotion

There's an expression:"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach". I guess it was proven by me. 2 days ago, out of the blue i made summer inspired salad to Joe. It was impromptu, It was a very warm sunny day and I was craving for salad for weeks. So, i made a bowl of salad. It was rocket salad with pear avocado, walnuts and Balsamic glazed. Yum. I called him to pick it up on his way back home. We only live 5 minutes apart from each other. he was surprised that i made a dish. Maybe the gesture was a little too much. I've never really made anyone a thoughtful dish like that, well. it's a first for something right. He's been very busy lately, i feel see the exhaustion in his eyes. I do deeply care about him, but he just has way too many baggages. Should i get involved in this, i hope not. Last night, he asked me to appear in front of my door at 9pm at night. I didn't expect anything, well maybe i thought he was gonna take me out or something but he didn't. he told me that we couldn't spend time this weekend because of family commitments, so he returned my gesture by baking me profiterole. It was really good. I can feel the orgasm in my tongue, it's much better than sex. We haven't had sex for almost a week now. i'm not complaining, i think gestures and emotions are just simply better than sex. Food is a gesture and it provokes emotions. The first time we met, six months ago, he baked me rhubarb crumble after we had sex. It was the sweetest gesture anyone has ever done to me. I was simply blown away. He is much in a better position then than now.

We are struggling with our body weight, especially him. He wasn't as big as now, he used to be cuter and much more attractive. He simply lost his looks and his confidence. I like him because of his good heart, not his appearance. He told me that food calms him down and therefore he just eats a lot whenever he feels anxious. He has a lot of problems lately, and he's simply not in a good position. We have discussed that we should go on a diet together, but i guess it's almost impossible. He works for the service industry as his day job and Food is just all around him. I wouldn't resist the temptation either if i were him. Food does make you feel good for a moment, but there's an expensive price to pay. Insecurities due to weight gain and health considerations when one is simply eating too much. i believe everything in moderation is good. one can eat really bad food but always in moderation, too much of a good thing is not nice. I really hope that he can confront his addiction for food. I think it's the key for him to get back on track. I do really care for you Mr.Big, i'd love to see you healthier and gain your confidence back.


Thursday, December 9, 2010

too much too tell too lazy to type

I think the title said enough, I will write about everything tomorrow.