Sunday, January 30, 2011

The rebound guy


I just realize something, I am his rebound guy. It's sucks, but i'm starting to open up my eyes!! Dear world, who would like to date a young, independent, single, asian background with little baggage? Give me a shout. I'm ready to be back in the game again.

Le Brunch avec Monsieur Big

Earlier this week, we agreed to have brunch together this morning. I thought it's a good decision as i realize that i can't avoid him. I'm moving on and it's all going very well. But There were things that upset me a lot after brunch and I'm writing all this down to make me feel better.

He picked me up in front of my house as usual, Earlier this week, when i ran into him I couldn't look him into his eyes, my brain shut me off completely when i tried looking at him. So i avoided the eye contact and pretend everything was cool. But i was out of breath again after the supermarket encounter. But this morning, I toughen up myself and ready too see him again. things were great during brunch and we talked like a friend. He seems friendlier this way, and I guess it's the best way. I keep the possibilities open and I didn't expect much from today except having a good time with a friend. As he drove back home, i started to ask him about things and his relationship with Thai Island loverboy, and He said things are going very well between them and He talk to him almost everyday and every second. and he dropped the bomb that He's going back there again for his birthday (next month) to see him and pray in a temple in Thailand. I was so upset hearing that but I kept it to myself. So i asked him is it serious? and he said that the trip next month is sorta a test whether they can be together or not and The fucking guy is planning to visit him here in Sydney at June. So It should be pretty serious then if he's talking about building up relationship together and dreaming future together, and i'm out of place. I'm moving on but obviously i still have feelings that i can't deny. It's hard to give up when you see the battle is not finished yet, but i guess the best thing for me is just to give up and don't care again.

I self reflect and i asked him about things, why we couldn't work it out? Afterall, i seemed to be a good companion for him. But i reflect again, maybe I still hide things in my closet and that bugged him, and i asked him about it and he confirmed. It's not a big shock but I came out couple of weeks before to some members of my family, but not my parents but it's my own choice. I let him know about that and We agreed that the timing was not on our side and It's too late. I guess everything is too late by now, i can't possess his heart and I should let him be happy and I should give up on the battle and not care about things just to make myself happy. Ignorance can be a bliss, but i always believe when things are starting to open up it can be hell.

I'm moving on and choosing life, I'm ready to be friends with him, and I starting to feel a little tired so i will give up on him eventually. not sure when i'm gonna see him again, but I know it's not gonna be very soon. Keeping distance should be the wise move.


Thursday, January 27, 2011

Start moving on and choose life.

It's been more than a week since the drama happens and now i'm moving on. Deep inside my heart i still want him, that's the feeling that i can't deny but i'm crossing my fingers hard until i get tired. I think it's my nature to keep everything open to any possibilities. I hate creating an enemy or have a negative thoughts about a particular person. I can't think of him as a jerk, maybe because he's not and i should never try to think of him as one. He broke my heart bust so what, i still have to move on. life is full of possibilities and i have to choose life. Being depressed and in a week of emotional roller coaster is enough for me. i stopped having dreams about him last weekend, after i sent him my letter to him. I know some people might not agree to what i did, but i followed my instinct, i should not listen to everybody else except myself. I always have a very strong instinct about something and most of the time i always right. My assertiveness is a trait that people sometimes perceived it as cocky, but i should not care about everyone else's opinion although i do listen but most of the time i do not hear, i hear from myself.

I did a very bold move sending him the letter that i wrote at the last posting, although it was only a draft. I something more but overall, it's all about myself, my feelings and my desire to want him and to let him know that we are still friends and possibilities are always open until i get tired of waiting and move on from him. He replied the next morning, we agreed on one thing during the week, limited contact. We agreed to not stop seeing each other but keeping everything toned down, it means no morning greetings or good nights and updating each other daily. It was a bit hard thing to do, but after a week i learn to live without it. He's still my friend, and he's never been my boyfriend. I miss the feeling of waking up every morning and there's someone who calls me wishing me good morning, or a simple text message wishing me "sleep tight, sweet dreams" every night but i guess it's all over now. I'm not desperate to have another one, although reflecting to much of my heart and time invested in this guy, now it's time to sell all the stocks slowly because it's performing rather quite disappointing but cross fingers until the market performs better, will it be the wise decision to sell it altogether or invest more? hmm.. me and my friends always think of love as investments. It's a cool euphemism if i think about it. growth, loss, profit. it's all adds up in my opinion. well, i'm not a finance major, but i know a thing or two about finance.

The day after i sent him my letter, he told me that he was touched by my letter, he really really was. and for the same day, i stopped having dreams about him, and he hasn't been the first person that i think when i wake up. i guess it's a sign of moving on. we quickly update each other that morning, but nothing more than that. I felt that i did the right thing to send the letter as an emotional release. things are good between us, always has and always will be. i don't want to change it into something bad, and i believe my relationship with him either as someone that i know, or a friend or more than that should be always good and not flawed. I hate creating an enemy. well, at least he was touched not turned off, haha. oh well, my letter for him was kinda heavy. but i'm glad i wrote it. but i shouldn't be much more disappointed because i didn't project much expectation into it, but always keep hope because it's a natural feeling and it's different from expectation that always brings me down.

I'm pretty much healed from all the saga last week, my heartbroken period is gone now and I'm getting back on my feet now and moving on. Last sunday he called me out of nowhere, well bit unexpected that he called. We had a long chat on the phone, i was bit bedridden due to cold and his feet were acting up. He has a problem with his feet and it kinda prevented him of working out and he was just simply want attention, he also wants my comfort because he had a fight with his family over money, very sensitive subject, as he's the bad apple in the family although the family is quite secured financially. He is much older than me but i feel that he's around my age emotionally and i'm way over my age, emotionally speaking. I comforted him a little, and he was just telling me how his weekend went and i did the same too. At least i know that he seeks comfort in me, i didn't feel that i was used but one thing that bugs me that he told me this "i trust you and i'm very comfortable taking to you because you're my boyf-" he didn't finish the last sentence, maybe he realized that he was out of line or he didn't want me to feel being used or he was just using me for a moment of emotional comfort, like a cushion or a welcome mat. hmmm.. tell me about something that i should avoid in this, is my letter really melt his heart or he wants to use me again as a comforter. either way, i should make a decision about this before it's getting unhealthy. I quickly avoid him by refraining to talk to him or call him back or text him and i did block him on msn so he couldn't see that i'm online. all is well, i thought until the next day

I had this urge to go to the grocery store even though i didn't really have to. My fridge was all stocked up but maybe i felt bored and need some kind of fresh air, so there i walked to my local grocery store about 3 minute by foot from my house, i didn't really think about anything not even him and there it was, his car parked in front of the grocery store, in my mind i was feeling pretty fucked that i just simply can't avoid him. We live pretty close to each other of sydney eastern suburb but not in the same neighborhood, but why does he shop there? marking my territory his. So i looked for him between the aisle, there he was, alone looking at the iced tea bottles. i hugged him from behind, i didn't know why i did it. it was natural i guess. he turned back and he was surprised, as surprised as me. we chatted for about 10 minutes between the aisles and it was just okay, general stuff. But one thing that i noticed from myself, i couldn't look into him in the eye. bugger. It's just too hard, so i avoided his eye contact for 10 minutes, once i glanced and my hearts beat so fast because he looks good, even better than the first time i saw him. maybe it's the Italian gene on him, like fine wine it gets better when it matures. As we parted, i acted so clumsy, i didn't know why. I was so clumsy until i dropped few of my things on the floor. My heart beat so fast to the point that i couldn't breathe normally. But i know it's not a panic attack, so i called my friend for an emotional support. She comforted me. This is not the first time we ran into each other, the first one was even more bizarre i was walking down the street in Darlinghurst with my ipod on maximum volume and i suddenly have the urge to turn right, and just right there on the street inside his car shouting my name. This happened before we've gotten really close. I thought of it as a sign, and the second one it''s a warning that maybe it's fate that we're a match or a warning that i just simply can't delete him out of my life. If we are actually a match, and the nature tells us that it might not work actually, well maybe for him because right now the option is very wide open but slowly by slowly closing up and i think it will be soon until i close my heart for him completely, i don't know why i write this but that's my instinct tells me and it will be quite hard to open it up again. Just remind me again why do i like this guy so much and what are his baggages that turn me off so much. hmm..

I texted him after the encounter, and we agreed on one thing that we couldn't avoid each other for sure and it's final, we agreed to have brunch again next weekend, oh let's see how everything goes. He's a good company and I'm pretty sure i'm a good companion for him but i should not think more than beyond having a brunch with a buddy, we should respect each other's decision and I don't have any desire to have sex with him at the moment, it's rather complicated and we should agree that no physical contact in anyway, I should stay within my boundaries and he should kept his. If things are moving along great, i might consider it but at the moment i should stick with the line that we drew together.

Yesterday was quite interesting. I kinda lost my sexual urge for the past couple weeks, maybe because i think about the relationship often, not to mention heartbreak so I have no desire to have sex with anyone, not even random people or fuck buddies that i kept for my pleasure. I felt so disgusted at one point about hooking up and all that jazz, but yesterday i felt horny for the first time in weeks. I also felt the urge to go to a sauna, i've been to a sauna once and I didn't think that i would do it again soon. It's just not my style, and my kind of place the dark wet sleazy place. i'd rather have coffee date then fake intimacy rather than fuck and go. I ran my errands and went to a sauna that i had never been before. It was alright i guess the whole experience of cruising and hunting, but i found myself really calm and serene inside the steam room. I felt relaxed and didn't think much of anything. so surreal. I got hit on by an older gentleman with white hear to the point where he touched me and i looked into his face as i moaned pleasure but disgusted by his appearance. He whispered to me that it's alright it felt good, it didn't matter but my brain got really turned off and so did my penis. Hahaha, i told him that this won't work out and i left, he stalked me for hours, creepy. but he got tired. There's this guy that wanted cuddles and nothing more, it felt so secure for a moment being cuddled and embraced by someone, i missed that feeling. We didn't do anything more. I didn't have much luck that night, not until i almost gave up and went to the dark room and there's this guy who wanted me to do him. So i did him and i was pretty much in control. It was great but i felt really tired for being there for hours so i didn't have my full on energy. It was all safe and sound i wasn't desperate enough or stupid enough not to use protection and lubricant. I couldn't see his face but he had a great body, it was all anonymous and Sexy. He had a british accent and i could feel a ring on his finger. oh well, i have nothing against that i even think that it's quite sexy. That was not the first time i got involved with married men or someone who was married to a woman. Yesterday wasn't bad but it's not great either it was just okay i got my sexual release and I went home tired. I don't think i will go there again anytime soon, it's an experience for once in a while.

I logged in into some of the proper dating sites that i paid fortune for them and the results were quite disappointing, but there's one potential date and he hasn't replied my message back although i reply his message. Oh well, see how it goes, I'll give it a few days, if there's no progress in 2 weeks i will shut them down completely. I also restore back my half dating half hookup site #F and i got couple of new hearts after i changed my profile pics. before i wrote this entry i had a chat with M, the guy that i had a date with before me and J gotten back closer again, it was on early November and as far i can recall it back the memory he is a true proper gentleman and the best sex of my life. We saw each other again a day after J went to Thailand around late December before new year's, I had a date with M, he invited me to his place somewhere in North shore. he's a North Shore kind of guy, that's what he told me haha. We had a really great time together, and we really clicked. He's very different of J a.k.a my Mr.Big, if J is left and right, M is very straightforward like me. despite their similarities in taste (men, cigarettes, interests) their personalities are total opposite. I really like him as well, and He always tells me whenever he's available and assurance or interest to meet up again, no bullshit. although he's a very busy man. Seriously, i don't care if won't meet him again, the sex was just mind-blowing to the point that i should not care. Only one thing about this perfect man, He has a partner although they were at the end stage of their relationship (seeing other people, putting single as status) but I still believe that their bond are still strong afterall, they're together for 9 years now and It will be hard to be in between them and He was also married to a woman and had 2 teenage kids together. Baggage!! but i can see him as a fully dedicated man, a relationship guy and loving tender and caring partner. Just wait and see, don't get my hopes too high! He told me on msn that he's very busy at the moment because he has 2 jobs, one for the government and he has his own business, but he will let me know when he's able to steal time for me. so all is well i hope. I can't wait till i get together with him. he has the most incredible energy from all of the men that i've shared bed with. he also brings out the most masculine side of me, and it's natural. haha. I didn't fake it and even though i don't act like a typical effeminate gay man out there but with this guy i can explore the manliest man inside of me, it's like i'm jock in high school playing football. haha.. We love to take turns and for the first time in my life I realize that like to be in charge, usually i'm the power bottom but this man change my whole perspective towards sex and convert me into a versatile. Oh the sex, the sex. i just can't wait till i see him again, but as i said i won't be disappointed at all if i don't see him again ever. It's just too damn good, and He's a very nice man too, something to remember for life by how good it was, the sex and his personality and his smile.

Oh well, i'm writing down all of this because i'm bored. I still have a month left till the semester comes and i get back to school. I'm bored, broke and out of love. I should sleep now who knows my luck changes in the morning.


Friday, January 21, 2011

A letter for him.

I wake up everyday and you are the first thing that comes into my head. I tried to block you, but i can't. Maybe it's because i still have feelings for you. Today, i had a dream about you, It wasn't a good dream. We were in a space where we had an argument and i said something that made myself regret and upset you so much. I couldn't remember the exact words, but you made the move to erase me out of my life without giving me any chance to explain. When i woke up, i shed a tear. Maybe it's reality that i have to face, to delete you out of my life or me out of yours. But i followed my instinct that maybe this is not a wise decision, we agree to remain friends but then again, will it work without me wasting away my heart because you don't return the same feeling as i do to you.

Reflecting to our relationship, even though we were not a couple, but My feelings for you were deep but I was insensitive and you were very sensitive. I might said a lot of things to upset you, but there were also a lot of your actions upset me. 

I want you, that's what my heart says, but my head says that i should stop. My head is angry, the fact that you fell for another guy in Thailand and you gave him your heart there and when you returned, you refused to accept my heart to you. I thought when i was with you i was the one who is being insincere because i wanted more. But when i lost you, i felt that what i said to you were true, and genuine. I like you the way you are, baggage or no baggage. 

Deep inside my heart, i want to possess your heart, your affection, and you have mine. I feel that loving you is a genuine feeling therefore possessing you should not be the same thing. I don't expect more of you, but i want you. That's the feeling that i can't fight. 

I should make peace for myself and move on, but it's not that easy. I want to keep you as a friend but it's not easy. Holding you, kissing you, making love to you, Those things are out of questions. But i feel the desire to be with you, to fix you, and to guide me. I know i'm not the type of person that always count of somebody and you love to be leaned on by everyone. But I believe if there's a chance i can be the person who will lift you up and get back on your feel again and we will walk together, happy. And I know you will teach me and guide me and protect me, I believe that you can. This is my hope and wishes which won't happen, the possibilities are small but It won't stop crossing my fingers until i get tired and give up on you.

When that day come, The day i completely give up on you, It's the day that i'm moved on and erase what i had with you.

Ps: I won't send this to him, but i'm thinking about it whether it's worth it or not. 

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

It's all in my head, I'm starting to lose my mind

Me: There's something that i need to tell you, all these time. What i said to you was true and my feelings for you were genuine. It was pure and I know that there's nothing i can do to change your heart.

Him: You know that us would never be together. I can't lie to you anymore. It's heartbreaking, i know but you just have to accept it. I never meant to hurt you but that's the truth. I can't hurt you any more longer. It is killing me too.

Me: I know that i can't force you to love me, but have you ever consider yourself giving me a chance?

Him: I have given myself a chance i gave you more than a chance but then again, it would never worked out between us. I'm in the position where i can't be in a relationship with anyone, I need to fix myself first before i find the right one for me.

Me: I think you are closing up your heart, I don't understand why you can't open up your heart to me? let me in. we will figure it out how it work. you know the way to my heart, and if you given me any more chances, i would be the best one for you i know that. We can do it. We can organize a revolution together. You and me as a real thing.

Him: NO, I am too damaged. I don't see it actually coming, me and you are nothing compared to what i felt in Thailand and my previous partners. Why don't you give up and move on. Give your heart to another guy who will love you back, not me a damaged good.

Me: But you know that my feelings were true and genuine. It's heartbreaking when someone can't reciprocate my feelings back. It was not my intention in the first place, I didn't plan to fall for you. it's the same thing when you didn't plan to fall for your island lover.

Him: Look, I can't see myself being with you, or building a life together. It's going to be a rough patch and it's going to be even more complicated than now. I can't lie to you or even to myself now.

Me: But then why are you keeping all these time then, are you only playing up with my heart then? Taking advantage of this situation because everyone wants to be with you? So Tossing me and you still have another 2 waiting for you.

Him: No, It's not what you think. I'm in a different space now.

Me: How, why is it different?

Him: I think now i'm in a position where i have the advantage to be true to myself, even though it means hurting people that i deeply care about including you.

Me: So do you really care about me. tell me honestly.

Him: Yes i do care about you, and I'd like us to be friends forever. Friends lasts forever, and lovers don't.

Me: But I don't know if i can see you as a friend. I mean i could try, but then again it would break my heart even more because i see you but there will be nothing going on between the two of us. I wouldn't be lying to myself the fact that I want you when we're in that space.

Him: It's hard for me too, trust me but  have done it few times and It's all working out very well.

Me: Oh yea, i think it's easier in theory but harder in the practical way. I don't know where this all going. I know i learnt it all in a very heard way.

Him: Believe me, time heals. and you are still young. you need to find yourself someone who is better than me.

Me: I think what i like about you the fact that you are not perfect. you have a nice heart and you are caring. But why is it so hard to let me in inside your heart?

Him: It's just not possible, you and me can't be more than friends.

Me: I think you are making the biggest mistake of your life. I can give you more support than anyone has ever given you. You have given enough support to people that you deeply care about and I think it's eating you up. I know how to heal you, I know how to handle you and make you smile again. I know that these all sound silly but I do believe that if we could give it a go, everything is possible from the point that you open your heart to me. I do believe it because i deeply care about you too, and even though i didn't show it by words but i was waiting for you to given yourself a chance for me.

Him: I know i'm stupid for not falling fall you, i know this is hard, just don't think about it as easy. It took me a lot of courage to actually said all these things to you and There is nothing i do about it, it's all fixed.

Me: I'm not trying to be a desperate guy for you, I'm just making a very bold move so you know and you realized what you have in front of your eyes and just embrace it. You are a very lucky man to have someone like me falling for you and deeply care about you like this.

Him: There is nothing for me to change my heart, i have thought long and hard about it too. I know that i'm fortunate enough to have you in my life. but i can't let you inside my heart.

Me: I'm still gonna wait for you, until you are ready. but then again, if i don't see you coming after me, i will have to let you go so both of us can be happy.

PS: This conversation are entirely fictional, it's something what i wrote to make myself feel better. I asked myself a question and answered it with his head.

Can we be friends?

After the drama that happened on Saturday, I asked myself if it's possible for us to be friends?. I had some panic attacks, 3 to be precise. including trouble sleeping. I'm still feeling hurt but slowly i was able to gather myself to calm down and think rationally. It was an emotional roller coaster. We ended our physical and emotional relationship and agreed to start fresh and become friends. Maybe this could be a new chapter of our relationship, as friends and nothing more. I figured that it took him a lot of guts to actually end this, and It wouldn't be fair for both of us if we stopped seeing each other. Some people might not agree with it but I was thinking with my head clearly. I was tempted to end everything and deleted him from my life but I figured i should not do everything with my emotion. I felt that even though the air is clear now, I should make any decision with a clear head.

He asked me couple hours after the drama if he could invite me as his plus one to a food tasting charity event with his acquaintances that i've met on our road trip a month ago. It was short-noticed. It took me couple of minutes to think and i eventually agreed to it. We had a great time on Sunday. I seemed to connect with his friends and we were just enjoying the moment. I didn't feel any lingering feeling towards him and everything seems alright. We talked like a friend and things went well since the time he picked me up till he dropped me back home. I seemed to able to block my feelings that day. I flirted with a guy in front of him and he told me that he was a little jealous. I felt great if he felt something, but it didn't matter.

Yesterday, I woke up feeling like crap, I felt depressed and I feel like i was such in the state of denial where i can't accept the fact that everything ended. I didn't think that things are different now, I made the greatest mistake by Wishing him good morning, he did reply but i felt even more like crap after i realized it's  truly different and I have to accept the fact that we won't go anywhere than being friends. I told myself after:A FRIEND WON'T GREET ME GOOD MORNING WITH A SMILEY. I froze completely after. I even more tempted to delete him all completely from my life. phone number, facebook, msn, email, blackberry. but It's really hard thing to do and I asked myself again, can we actually work it out as a friend? After-all he's deeply care about me and he likes me a lot. He even said that he loves me as a friend. Will it be unfair to him to actually disappear from his life, should he be punished for breaking my heart? I felt even more like crap when i realized that only time is the only thing that can solve the answer. So i leave it. It's possible that he will be the one who is gonna delete me from his life. after all he is the one who hurts me.  So i went to bed and sleep it off, Hoping a new day would come and made me feel better.

I woke up today feeling great, I realized something. He's actually an idiot for falling for a Thai guy who he met on holiday and the possibility of them of having a relationship in the long term is hard and The guy wouldn't come here and be with him. So he is very stupid. I know that I can't force him to love me and falling for somebody is a natural feeling. But if we actually keeping things open to possibility of being together, I'm pretty sure that we can work things out together. But i think it's all too late now. He broke my heart, not sure if i can actually open my heart again for him. It was final and i have starting to move on. But one thing that bugs me that I still feel hurt. As the day goes by, I felt more and more angry. I felt that I hate anything associated with Thailand and Thai people. I know they are harmless but not at that moment. I felt my heart pounded hart when some group of people talking to each other in Thai. I felt like punching them in their faces. I know it's racist, but I just can't help thinking about him making love with his Thai island lover boy, it sickens me so much i almost puked. FYI He's been wearing a "yellow" shirt bracelet since he got back, and I felt like breaking it into pieces. Haha, i would love to know how it felt for me to actually break it in front of his eyes. Must be damn well satisfying. fucking damn satisfying. I felt so angry but i calmed down after i realized that It's just something not worth thinking. I felt much better now after seeing some friends and went to have intense karaoke sessions. I sang my heart out. I even ate at a Thai restaurant and felt pretty much nothing. My friends refused me to talk about him again and my heartbrokenness just to force myself to heal. So this blog would be my only sole comfort, i respect their decision and I think it'll help me.

FYI, I froze all my hookup sites and deleted iphone hookups applications and realized maybe it's not the right way to find love, so I created accounts on 3 different proper dating sites. It seems that within a day, it's working well. Haha. I just have to see what happen. I need some activities to block him out of my mind. I haven't contact him at all today, but I saw his profile on facebook once. and that's it. That's a great start i think, I hope when i see him again soon, I won't have any feeling to harm him and I hope to let him go completely. One question still bugs me though, What if he misses me and wants to patch things up with me? At the moment, i feel that the possibility is high and I still can't think straight. I will leave it or drop it soon. I just have to make sure that what he is feeling towards me is genuine. and that is what's important the most. I think he's in the proud mood. There's 3 guys who wants him at the moment. Me, his deaf ex, and his Thai island lover-boy. Oh well, He's getting more and more older but I forgot that one fact He's Italian. He is getting more and more good looking as he ages. like fine wine, charming good looks and full of experience.

 I stalked his ex on facebook and on his wall he wrote that he has been having sensual dreams about someone. Hmm.. I wonder that it's about him, my guy. His ex is a needy and greedy. he has a stable loving boyfriend who loves him and one situation changes him for wanting his ex-lover back because the new guy hasn't given him enough emotional support. Mr.Big told me all about this on Saturday, basically His ex wanted them to gte back together and pick up where they left off, and asking Mr.Big back. Mr.Big said that he already meet someone, his Thai island lover-boy and He already moved on. I should stop obsessing but i can't help it. I think i would be genuinely letting Mr.Big go if he actually get back together with his deaf ex. What they had was really incredible, I haven't seen it in front of my eyes, but judging by the pictures of them together since years ago on facebook and when I visited their old house, It was the witness of genuine unconditional LOVE. One thing that really caught my eye was a note handwritten by Mr.Big hung on the wall. I can't remember the exact words but I still clearly remember what was it about. It was a love letter signed the day they were officially together and it's something like this: " Dear, X...............It is a beginning of a beautiful friendship" signed by him. That letter made me want someone special to actually write something like that for me. Just too bad i haven't found one yet, When i thought i was closer to find someone, he fell for another guy. BASTARD

But seriously, If He gets back with his ex-partner, I would be happy for both of them, well i guess it was judged based on the surface but I think if it's their destiny,They could be together forever. and I would be genuinely support them. I guess i think this because i do care about him GENUINELY, not because of my obsession over their past relationship and attempting to do the same for myself. but I still can't help being angry at him or his Thai island lover-boy to steal his heart and Him for being such an idiot for falling for a holiday fling. He is not an idiot for not choosing me and not falling for me, but he is an idiot for falling for someone like Chang, the Thai guy.

I think at this moment, I just have to learn accepting the fact that this guy is not for me. even though we do care about each other. He does not love me, he didn't fall for me after 7 months, and We didn't have a proper official relationship. I also came to a term the fact that i couldn't say the sacred four letter words to him all these time. I think it because i wasn't ready either and I was so turned off by his baggages which includes his ex. But i can say that I fell for him and He broke my heart, not once but twice. Is enough, enough? Do i actually addicted to the pain. whatever it is, it's not healthy. I still haven't shed any single tear, even though he has a couple of times in front of me.

I remember this quote from the bible, even though i'm not religious at all:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

I do feel envy and self centered do i actually love him then? Was it a tender feeling or simply my infatuation towards him. Well i think it's only time could answer these when i found the right guy for me to settle.

So, I asked myself again, can we be friends? The answer is YES. but i just need to let all these feelings go. and I know it will take time, but it's possible by taking a step of a time. I'd like for us to be in a good term. I hate creating enemies and I have a reputation and self respect to maintain. It's so easy to create enemies but so hard to make a friend, and I think he is precious in front of my eyes. I know what i'm worth, so as the time goes by, i should be able to get back on my feet again.

Hope tomorrow would be a better day for me.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Catharsis/closure. Time after time, i told myself: I got nothing to lose.

photo by atablefortwo
Me and Mr.Big went out for brunch today at this little cafe in Surry Hills. It was perfect, nice food and good damn coffee. He was back in Sydney after a holiday in Thailand. I was curious to hear all his stories there, I told him before he went, He would have a great time there and a good time. So He told me all about his stories. He told me that he met a guy there, his name is Chang and they had a good time together. Couple weeks ago when he was there, I had a bad dream about him that he was gone out of my sight from an emergency situation. My instinct was really strong, He told me that he met a guy there when i texted me and The guy looked after him. I felt a little jealous but I predicted it. I teased him that he would have an island lover while he was there. It was one of my dark jokes.

Me and Mr.Big are not in a relationship, but It's more than a friendship. It's a gray area that people often confused about. We have known each other for more than 6 months, and before He went to Thailand we had a little argument and I felt like closing the chapter but i wasn't sure about it. We made history together. But I feel that there's something about the two of us that is not right. I'm not sure about what i want and He has too many baggage. We are good friends, no shit. even more than that.

When i started the blog, I was in the position where i was vulnerable. I feel much better now. I felt lost and tired and it drove me into depression. I hate the feeling that i wasn't capable of doing anything, abandoning my priorities and not be able to do simple task. I was unhappy. Therapy helps me a lot. Soon after, i got back on my feet and being myself, a happy confident person.

People know me as this happy go lucky guy. People who know me really well know me as a guy who has a heart of a steel. cold and hard. I always think with my head and never really followed my heart and I seemed not to care about hurting other people. I have a great smile but i am capable to hurt people with my words.

Mr.Big came to me in the most unexpected of time, the worst and He soon able to pick me up and I fell for him right after our trip together. He disappeared and came back to me again. We started hanging out and as we grew closer, I know him better. My turn off is his baggage, a lot of them. and I don't feel ready to date him. I've never said I love you to him, I feel that even though I fell for him and i do really care about him but I'd be lying if i could say the sacred word to him. My heart is not ready for it even though he is the only guy who has the ability to melt down my heart.

Back to our brunch, I had a feeling that he was going to say something. We went to his storage facility somewhere in Alexandria, he needed to pick some stuff up, so i accompanied him. When we were there, I kissed him, he didn't return my kiss, I knew there's something wrong about him. I told him "So you don't like me anymore don't you? you don't wanna kiss me?". He tried to say something but I didn't quite catch it, So as we returned to the car. He finally said it. "It's different now, I should be honest with you. I fell for Chang the guy that i met in Thailand. and I would be lying to myself and to you if i actually kiss you or physically involved with you at this stage. Where i actually kind of have a boyfriend now" I felt angry and I didn't say anything, I said we need to talk. He told me that He fell for Chang while he was there and they had almost 2 weeks together. It sickened me when i heard the story. He also told me the story about his ex, the deaf boyfriend who wants to be with him again but He told me that he already moved on. So i asked him about Chang, what is he like and How could he fall for Chang? What is the difference about me and chang that made him fell for him? he told me that me and chang are two different people and unique in different ways. I felt more and more angry. I know my qualities and I know my self worth. Him falling for a guy who lives overseas and the guy that he knows for a short period of time and a guy whose background from small village in Thailand made me insecure. I wanted to dig more why. and why. He told me honestly about our relationship. Between me and him. He told me that he likes me a lot, but he hasn't fell for me yet to the point that he would be ready to start a relationship with me and become boyfriends. I told him the truth as well, I confronted him with every single thing that comes in my mind about him and me. I was brutally honest about what i thought of him all these months that we spent together. I asked him about whether he was actually using me for my companion all this time together. and He said that we have similar interests and He likes hanging out with me. that's why he likes me a lot. He also told me that he enjoyed the companionship but that was not the sole reason why he took me for trips that we took together. He also told me that he didn't sleep with anyone but me during our time together. What hurts me the most i guess was how could he be able to fell for a guy for a short period of time but not me even though I was there, waiting for him with all my worry and anxiety about him. I like him a lot. I fell for him but he didn't feel the same way. Both of our cards were open and now It's the point where there is no more moves or someone has to play the card intelligently to make further moves. I said all the truth to him and he did too. It was heartbreaking experience and he apologized for it. We talked inside the car for almost an hour, It was intense. I like the fact that we both came clean about this, at least I know the truth and I told him the truth. He doesn't feel the same way as i do. This might be the closure of everything that we had together, but it won't close the possibility of him pursuing me, but I should've move on. I won't expect anything more than friendship for him. It closes a chapter, but might open up a new one for me. We agree to be friends and see each other again, He wants to take me for brunch next saturday and I agreed to it, I don't want to lose him completely especially not in a bad terms. He said that he do really deeply care about me. I appreciate his honesty completely and As i was being brutally honest to him, He was a little teary. I gave him a hug, at that was the end.

As I left the car, i felt my pulse were racing and my heart was beating fast, I felt like dying. I had panic attack, I couldn't cry even though i tried to. I quickly calm myself down. I talked to a friend and he said that If he's able to fell for someone for a short period of time and I was waiting for him, it means that It proves that He's not for me. My friend might be right, but I figure it is just not the right time, not the right place and maybe not the right person.

Now as i'm writing all this, I figured something. Despite all these inconvenience and dramas. I've nothing to lose, I think i gain more than i lose. So all is well at the moment and see what happens next.

Time after time, I told myself: I've got nothing to lose... -aNYway by Duck Sauce


It hurts

He fell for a guy in Thailand and he told me the truth, everything.
It hurt's so bad. I just had a panic attack. i'll write more soon


Friday, January 14, 2011

me and him


well i feel the  air is not clear with you and i blame myself for it. sorry


it was clear alright. no harm done. if it wasn't i would've called you to make it straight. but don't feel bad about it because it's nothing. don't blame yourself and make yourself even feel more down. just do your priority, I was being insensitive for intruding your time with him and I shouldn't say anything beyond that. I apologize again for it okay. definitely not my intention to actually sending any negative energy to you. Just making sure that you get back to your priority and backing off for intruding your time for a hello in the middle of the night. i shouldn't do it at the first place. Well, does the air feel clear with you? I'm not upset. so NEVER BLAME YOURSELF FOR IT. please don't make yourself down.



if I wasn't so intuitive I would say that there is a negative intention in your salutation, is there not?

if I wasn't so intuitive I would say that there is a negative intention in your salutation, is there not?

Fuck you for being too sensitive. I know you still care about your ex-boyfriend, but hey i was just trying to be there for you and tell you to take your time for him. Fuck you. I'm this close to lose my patience over your baggage!! Fuck you.

Monday, January 10, 2011

He loves me he loves me not

It's been almost 3 weeks since mr.big gone to Thailand for holiday. The separation kills me slowly each day. I miss him, no doubt about that. I thought i could be strong and not thinking about him while he's away but i can't. Subconsciously, my mind think about him all the time. My heart beats whenever there's something that reminds me of him.

A few days ago, I dreamt about him, it was a nightmare, in that dream he was gone m.i.a, I texted him when i woke up. Just make sure that he was okay there. He told me that he was doing well, he was at an island and he also told me that he made a friend there who took care of him while he was there. I imagined that they're having pretty good time together and the thought of it kills me even more.

"In my life, why do i give valuable time to people who don't care if i live or die"- Morrissey, Heaven knows i'm miserable now.

I think i worry too much and it kills me, i give my precious time to think about a guy who doesn't want any relationship with me but doesn't want to let me go, and I'm not sure if i want a closure with him. It's getting more and more complicated. Nevertheless, our time apart make me realize how much i like him, it's kind of a self reflection. Will he be a different person when he's back? I hope not. I'm still the same person. I don't want to lose him again, i had my share of broken heart once because of him and i don't want it happen again. I do like him too much, and if someone asked me why, or even if i asked myself. I just couldn't answer it by words. He is much older than me and he has a lot of baggage. I'm fine with age difference, it's 25 years and but not by his baggage.

I sent him an anonymous gift by Larrypost. I hope he likes the gift, I just need to see him smile again. I just can't resist the smile on his face while he's looking at me face to face with pretty intense eye contact. I wish he could do that again to me. I miss him.

"And I miss you like the desert miss the rain"-Everything but the girl, Missing

I called him yesterday, and he sounded very cold and unexcited when i called him. Does he has a change of heart. I wonder.

The more he treated me that way the more i get curious. One time, he ignored me for a few days and I got myself crazy.

"The more you ignore me the closer i get, wasting your time. Beware I hold grudges more than lonely high court judges. When you sleep i will creep into your thoughts like a bad debt you can't pay. take the easy way out and let me in, yea let me in"-Morrissey, The more you ignore me the closer i get.

Does he think of me as a rebound because he was out of a long term relationship a year ago and now he felt the pain? Whatever he thinks of me, I think and care more deeply about him. He is special to me.