Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Can we be friends?

After the drama that happened on Saturday, I asked myself if it's possible for us to be friends?. I had some panic attacks, 3 to be precise. including trouble sleeping. I'm still feeling hurt but slowly i was able to gather myself to calm down and think rationally. It was an emotional roller coaster. We ended our physical and emotional relationship and agreed to start fresh and become friends. Maybe this could be a new chapter of our relationship, as friends and nothing more. I figured that it took him a lot of guts to actually end this, and It wouldn't be fair for both of us if we stopped seeing each other. Some people might not agree with it but I was thinking with my head clearly. I was tempted to end everything and deleted him from my life but I figured i should not do everything with my emotion. I felt that even though the air is clear now, I should make any decision with a clear head.

He asked me couple hours after the drama if he could invite me as his plus one to a food tasting charity event with his acquaintances that i've met on our road trip a month ago. It was short-noticed. It took me couple of minutes to think and i eventually agreed to it. We had a great time on Sunday. I seemed to connect with his friends and we were just enjoying the moment. I didn't feel any lingering feeling towards him and everything seems alright. We talked like a friend and things went well since the time he picked me up till he dropped me back home. I seemed to able to block my feelings that day. I flirted with a guy in front of him and he told me that he was a little jealous. I felt great if he felt something, but it didn't matter.

Yesterday, I woke up feeling like crap, I felt depressed and I feel like i was such in the state of denial where i can't accept the fact that everything ended. I didn't think that things are different now, I made the greatest mistake by Wishing him good morning, he did reply but i felt even more like crap after i realized it's  truly different and I have to accept the fact that we won't go anywhere than being friends. I told myself after:A FRIEND WON'T GREET ME GOOD MORNING WITH A SMILEY. I froze completely after. I even more tempted to delete him all completely from my life. phone number, facebook, msn, email, blackberry. but It's really hard thing to do and I asked myself again, can we actually work it out as a friend? After-all he's deeply care about me and he likes me a lot. He even said that he loves me as a friend. Will it be unfair to him to actually disappear from his life, should he be punished for breaking my heart? I felt even more like crap when i realized that only time is the only thing that can solve the answer. So i leave it. It's possible that he will be the one who is gonna delete me from his life. after all he is the one who hurts me.  So i went to bed and sleep it off, Hoping a new day would come and made me feel better.

I woke up today feeling great, I realized something. He's actually an idiot for falling for a Thai guy who he met on holiday and the possibility of them of having a relationship in the long term is hard and The guy wouldn't come here and be with him. So he is very stupid. I know that I can't force him to love me and falling for somebody is a natural feeling. But if we actually keeping things open to possibility of being together, I'm pretty sure that we can work things out together. But i think it's all too late now. He broke my heart, not sure if i can actually open my heart again for him. It was final and i have starting to move on. But one thing that bugs me that I still feel hurt. As the day goes by, I felt more and more angry. I felt that I hate anything associated with Thailand and Thai people. I know they are harmless but not at that moment. I felt my heart pounded hart when some group of people talking to each other in Thai. I felt like punching them in their faces. I know it's racist, but I just can't help thinking about him making love with his Thai island lover boy, it sickens me so much i almost puked. FYI He's been wearing a "yellow" shirt bracelet since he got back, and I felt like breaking it into pieces. Haha, i would love to know how it felt for me to actually break it in front of his eyes. Must be damn well satisfying. fucking damn satisfying. I felt so angry but i calmed down after i realized that It's just something not worth thinking. I felt much better now after seeing some friends and went to have intense karaoke sessions. I sang my heart out. I even ate at a Thai restaurant and felt pretty much nothing. My friends refused me to talk about him again and my heartbrokenness just to force myself to heal. So this blog would be my only sole comfort, i respect their decision and I think it'll help me.

FYI, I froze all my hookup sites and deleted iphone hookups applications and realized maybe it's not the right way to find love, so I created accounts on 3 different proper dating sites. It seems that within a day, it's working well. Haha. I just have to see what happen. I need some activities to block him out of my mind. I haven't contact him at all today, but I saw his profile on facebook once. and that's it. That's a great start i think, I hope when i see him again soon, I won't have any feeling to harm him and I hope to let him go completely. One question still bugs me though, What if he misses me and wants to patch things up with me? At the moment, i feel that the possibility is high and I still can't think straight. I will leave it or drop it soon. I just have to make sure that what he is feeling towards me is genuine. and that is what's important the most. I think he's in the proud mood. There's 3 guys who wants him at the moment. Me, his deaf ex, and his Thai island lover-boy. Oh well, He's getting more and more older but I forgot that one fact He's Italian. He is getting more and more good looking as he ages. like fine wine, charming good looks and full of experience.

 I stalked his ex on facebook and on his wall he wrote that he has been having sensual dreams about someone. Hmm.. I wonder that it's about him, my guy. His ex is a needy and greedy. he has a stable loving boyfriend who loves him and one situation changes him for wanting his ex-lover back because the new guy hasn't given him enough emotional support. Mr.Big told me all about this on Saturday, basically His ex wanted them to gte back together and pick up where they left off, and asking Mr.Big back. Mr.Big said that he already meet someone, his Thai island lover-boy and He already moved on. I should stop obsessing but i can't help it. I think i would be genuinely letting Mr.Big go if he actually get back together with his deaf ex. What they had was really incredible, I haven't seen it in front of my eyes, but judging by the pictures of them together since years ago on facebook and when I visited their old house, It was the witness of genuine unconditional LOVE. One thing that really caught my eye was a note handwritten by Mr.Big hung on the wall. I can't remember the exact words but I still clearly remember what was it about. It was a love letter signed the day they were officially together and it's something like this: " Dear, X...............It is a beginning of a beautiful friendship" signed by him. That letter made me want someone special to actually write something like that for me. Just too bad i haven't found one yet, When i thought i was closer to find someone, he fell for another guy. BASTARD

But seriously, If He gets back with his ex-partner, I would be happy for both of them, well i guess it was judged based on the surface but I think if it's their destiny,They could be together forever. and I would be genuinely support them. I guess i think this because i do care about him GENUINELY, not because of my obsession over their past relationship and attempting to do the same for myself. but I still can't help being angry at him or his Thai island lover-boy to steal his heart and Him for being such an idiot for falling for a holiday fling. He is not an idiot for not choosing me and not falling for me, but he is an idiot for falling for someone like Chang, the Thai guy.

I think at this moment, I just have to learn accepting the fact that this guy is not for me. even though we do care about each other. He does not love me, he didn't fall for me after 7 months, and We didn't have a proper official relationship. I also came to a term the fact that i couldn't say the sacred four letter words to him all these time. I think it because i wasn't ready either and I was so turned off by his baggages which includes his ex. But i can say that I fell for him and He broke my heart, not once but twice. Is enough, enough? Do i actually addicted to the pain. whatever it is, it's not healthy. I still haven't shed any single tear, even though he has a couple of times in front of me.

I remember this quote from the bible, even though i'm not religious at all:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

I do feel envy and self centered do i actually love him then? Was it a tender feeling or simply my infatuation towards him. Well i think it's only time could answer these when i found the right guy for me to settle.

So, I asked myself again, can we be friends? The answer is YES. but i just need to let all these feelings go. and I know it will take time, but it's possible by taking a step of a time. I'd like for us to be in a good term. I hate creating enemies and I have a reputation and self respect to maintain. It's so easy to create enemies but so hard to make a friend, and I think he is precious in front of my eyes. I know what i'm worth, so as the time goes by, i should be able to get back on my feet again.

Hope tomorrow would be a better day for me.


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