Catharsis/closure. Time after time, i told myself: I got nothing to lose.

photo by atablefortwo

Me and Mr.Big went out for brunch today at this little cafe in Surry Hills. It was perfect, nice food and good damn coffee. He was back in Sydney after a holiday in Thailand. I was curious to hear all his stories there, I told him before he went, He would have a great time there and a good time. So He told me all about his stories. He told me that he met a guy there, his name is Chang and they had a good time together. Couple weeks ago when he was there, I had a bad dream about him that he was gone out of my sight from an emergency situation. My instinct was really strong, He told me that he met a guy there when i texted me and The guy looked after him. I felt a little jealous but I predicted it. I teased him that he would have an island lover while he was there. It was one of my dark jokes.

Me and Mr.Big are not in a relationship, but It's more than a friendship. It's a gray area that people often confused about. We have known each other for more than 6 months, and before He went to Thailand we had a little argument and I felt like closing the chapter but i wasn't sure about it. We made history together. But I feel that there's something about the two of us that is not right. I'm not sure about what i want and He has too many baggage. We are good friends, no shit. even more than that.

When i started the blog, I was in the position where i was vulnerable. I feel much better now. I felt lost and tired and it drove me into depression. I hate the feeling that i wasn't capable of doing anything, abandoning my priorities and not be able to do simple task. I was unhappy. Therapy helps me a lot. Soon after, i got back on my feet and being myself, a happy confident person.

People know me as this happy go lucky guy. People who know me really well know me as a guy who has a heart of a steel. cold and hard. I always think with my head and never really followed my heart and I seemed not to care about hurting other people. I have a great smile but i am capable to hurt people with my words.

Mr.Big came to me in the most unexpected of time, the worst and He soon able to pick me up and I fell for him right after our trip together. He disappeared and came back to me again. We started hanging out and as we grew closer, I know him better. My turn off is his baggage, a lot of them. and I don't feel ready to date him. I've never said I love you to him, I feel that even though I fell for him and i do really care about him but I'd be lying if i could say the sacred word to him. My heart is not ready for it even though he is the only guy who has the ability to melt down my heart.

Back to our brunch, I had a feeling that he was going to say something. We went to his storage facility somewhere in Alexandria, he needed to pick some stuff up, so i accompanied him. When we were there, I kissed him, he didn't return my kiss, I knew there's something wrong about him. I told him "So you don't like me anymore don't you? you don't wanna kiss me?". He tried to say something but I didn't quite catch it, So as we returned to the car. He finally said it. "It's different now, I should be honest with you. I fell for Chang the guy that i met in Thailand. and I would be lying to myself and to you if i actually kiss you or physically involved with you at this stage. Where i actually kind of have a boyfriend now" I felt angry and I didn't say anything, I said we need to talk. He told me that He fell for Chang while he was there and they had almost 2 weeks together. It sickened me when i heard the story. He also told me the story about his ex, the deaf boyfriend who wants to be with him again but He told me that he already moved on. So i asked him about Chang, what is he like and How could he fall for Chang? What is the difference about me and chang that made him fell for him? he told me that me and chang are two different people and unique in different ways. I felt more and more angry. I know my qualities and I know my self worth. Him falling for a guy who lives overseas and the guy that he knows for a short period of time and a guy whose background from small village in Thailand made me insecure. I wanted to dig more why. and why. He told me honestly about our relationship. Between me and him. He told me that he likes me a lot, but he hasn't fell for me yet to the point that he would be ready to start a relationship with me and become boyfriends. I told him the truth as well, I confronted him with every single thing that comes in my mind about him and me. I was brutally honest about what i thought of him all these months that we spent together. I asked him about whether he was actually using me for my companion all this time together. and He said that we have similar interests and He likes hanging out with me. that's why he likes me a lot. He also told me that he enjoyed the companionship but that was not the sole reason why he took me for trips that we took together. He also told me that he didn't sleep with anyone but me during our time together. What hurts me the most i guess was how could he be able to fell for a guy for a short period of time but not me even though I was there, waiting for him with all my worry and anxiety about him. I like him a lot. I fell for him but he didn't feel the same way. Both of our cards were open and now It's the point where there is no more moves or someone has to play the card intelligently to make further moves. I said all the truth to him and he did too. It was heartbreaking experience and he apologized for it. We talked inside the car for almost an hour, It was intense. I like the fact that we both came clean about this, at least I know the truth and I told him the truth. He doesn't feel the same way as i do. This might be the closure of everything that we had together, but it won't close the possibility of him pursuing me, but I should've move on. I won't expect anything more than friendship for him. It closes a chapter, but might open up a new one for me. We agree to be friends and see each other again, He wants to take me for brunch next saturday and I agreed to it, I don't want to lose him completely especially not in a bad terms. He said that he do really deeply care about me. I appreciate his honesty completely and As i was being brutally honest to him, He was a little teary. I gave him a hug, at that was the end.

As I left the car, i felt my pulse were racing and my heart was beating fast, I felt like dying. I had panic attack, I couldn't cry even though i tried to. I quickly calm myself down. I talked to a friend and he said that If he's able to fell for someone for a short period of time and I was waiting for him, it means that It proves that He's not for me. My friend might be right, but I figure it is just not the right time, not the right place and maybe not the right person.

Now as i'm writing all this, I figured something. Despite all these inconvenience and dramas. I've nothing to lose, I think i gain more than i lose. So all is well at the moment and see what happens next.

Time after time, I told myself: I've got nothing to lose... -aNYway by Duck Sauce

WL.