Sunday, December 12, 2010

Recent part 2.

We agreed to see see each other again on Monday night, He picked me up and went to dinner. During dinner, everything started fine. I missed him and he looked great. We ordered something a little bit too much, but we were starving. We started drinking and it was like a truth serum, we were just talking about everything, He explained to me that he was out of town with his ex. I was a little jealous for sure. He and his ex has a beautiful friendship. After all, they were together for 7 years. The ex left him for someone as old as him but better looking. All three of them used to live together up until they have to move out from their house. His ex is very dependent on him. well, he has special needs. Well, I don't think i can't compete with him and it's just not worth it if i do that. But I pity my old man, he has just too many baggage in his life. To be honest i'm not sure if i can help him carry it, after-all i also have mine. I asked him a lot of questions, very uncomfortable questions. I guess it was the alcohol that made me did such things. He answered everything and I felt that he was honest completely to me. I told him that i like him. After a moment, I told him honestly that I don't expect much from him. and I make sure that He has me and I have him for the moment. He told me that i'm playing safe, I told him back that i don't want to get my heart broken. Then He asked me this:"Are you lonely?, I can feel your loneliness." then He dropped a tear. I then asked him back "Tell me all about it buddy!" and I comforted him. I can feel that It wasn't me that he was referring to, but himself, he just has way too many baggages and He needs a release. I can feel it that he really likes me, it was an assurance. I felt secure but then again He told me: "Look, I don't think i'm a position where i can be in a relationship now" I can totally understand about it. I want him, but I don't want his baggage. Call me selfish but i guess It's just the consequences of dating an older man. Baggage. 
Then he was trying to be an asshole, he told me that he's done enough of being people pleaser and taking care of others and He wants someone who can take care of him. Something that is almost impossible to do in my dictionary. I believe in equal share of give and take, rather than a one way communication. He was still drunk at that time but I sobered up. He also told me that half jokingly that A lot of guys had taken advantage of him and It was his turn to take advantage of me. I told him no way, I felt a little sick in the stomach when i heard that because I am genuinely does not taking advantage of him. I am born privilege enough to actually taste most materials things in life except emotions. I was this close to actually leave the table but He didn't mean what he said, and I know deep inside He has a nice heart. 
When we left the restaurant, he's still drunk. he needed me for support, he was holding my hands and arm tightly, I refused. I broke it, and He complained "You don't love me then". Then I asked him back "Do you even love me?". He couldn't answer. At that time, My eyes were wide open. I know what's going on with him, It's his many many baggage. He's afraid to commit into something more,  At the same time, he wants me. It was a nice feeling, assurance. at least I know what he wants. He also told me that when he's in a relationship he doesn't like the feeling of being tight up and he always wants something more. I don't know if it's true or not, but he hasn't seeing anyone else or had sex with anyone else except me. I do believe him, because He was looking into my eye, I don't think i actually have a problem with him sleeping with another dudes. because i also play it safe, I slept with another guy behind his back, but it was just a cheap one night stand nothing more than what we had together. I didn't tell him because he didn't ask but I think i would tell him the truth if he asked. Afterall, we're not committed to each other and We're just simply hanging out.
What happened last monday opened my eyes. Is this worth pursuing or not. Should I rescue him and he rescue me so we can be happy together or just leave him and I go for another guy who has less baggage. 
one thing I know about myself, Now I'm less curious about him. It's all said. cards are already opened just need to play it right, this is not a game but an experience because nobody will win or lose, just got hurt at the end.



Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home