I just had coffee with Mr.Big. He just dropped me back home 5 minutes ago. We agreed to meet each other at a coffee shop near where i live. I thought that i would be anxious to meet him, but turned out I was okay. I felt calm. we had an okay time together. Our conversations just revolved around life and updating each other with what was going on since the last time i saw him. He explained to me that he was busy, i bought it. He told me that he was moving out and there were a lot of dramas around it. He didn't look good t all, i can feel that he's depressed, same like me. He told me that he's been living with his mother since last weekend, and he stopped looking for new houses and His ex-housemate got their own temporary space. I figured that his shit was much bigger than mine, and i shouldn't be dragged in his for sure. I mean everyone has baggages, but If i ask myself now whether I love him that i can accept his baggages. My answer is No. I don't think i love him. I did fell for him because of the euphoria, and feeling something that i had not felt before but I guess it will take a long time for us to be together if that is the possibility. We talked a lot about life and, i talked a lot about my anxieties. He told me that "we" need to write down on a piece of paper about "our" short, mid, and long term plans and goals. In my mind, i have no idea what was his point. He might be joking about this, but when he told it, he seemed serious. If he told me that a month ago, i would be over the moon. but now i felt really skeptical about the whole thing. I'm not disgusted or anything but it was vague. Not knowing what i want makes it worst.
I asked him, why did he contact me yesterday, and he said it was because i was online. well, fair enough. but i guess i can feel that he's still into me from the way he stared at me. lips might lie buy eyes never. or eyes could but only the best liar in the world who can pull it off. I'm not a good liar, that's why i always get caught. I'd rather fail than lie and pass. It's my principle.
I told him that our time together in Melbourne was special, and i asked him back was it special to you. he said yes. I didn't know if it was the truth or he was just being polite but It was nice to hear that. It doesn't matter anymore. He wanted to give me a good night sleep and he went touchy feely but i reluctant. but and the end we held hands and he gave me a kiss. It was alright, i felt the comfort but most of the feelings has lost but it's still there.
An anonymous visitor commented that i shouldn't meet up with him. but i took the chances and I can say now that i moved on in a way i have reset my heart from something that was full of shit. It was worth the trip, regardless the time wasted on thinking about him. I guess now i learn how to like someone and flush out all the feelings. just like that. It was an experience. Something i will never forget.
It was nice seeing him, i guess i used our time as a tool to test out my feelings. and in conclusion, It wasn't as big as last month. Have i moved on? YES. and i have let go of all my expectations. He wants me to meet him regularly next time i see him around next week. I guess if i have reset my heart, a blank clean slate. Let's see how it goes.