Hope and wishes

Since the last post was about expectations and disappointments, I guess i have to be honest for what i want from relationship, i won't expect it's gonna happen soon, maybe it will cost me a lifetime. We never know.
I need someone who loves me. that is the most important thing. Intelligent so our conversations won't run dry, He has to know a lot of things, exchanging ideas. Nothing turns me on more than a well functioning brain. A nice smile and a good heart.
Those are what i wish for from a guy, someone that i will call my boyfriend or partner someday.
At this moment, i don't know what i want and what i need. everything is blurred after my epiphany before and after the event. I guess i will define what i want and what i need later when i'm ready. or maybe i will never be ready. but I should be ready to answer that anytime soon, because the question is very simple. I think when i'm ready to answer that question, I should be completely healed from the event, the sweet memories with Mr.Big.
A best friend lectured me not so long ago, and she asked me the question. I couldn't answer it. Maybe i want a relationship, or maybe not. But one thing for sure, i want to experience love. Not the one way monologue but the two way communications, to love and be loved in returned. I have never experienced that before. I want to try it before it's too late. having fun is always worth it said another friend, but I get really tired from one night stands. A fling is also nice, but it might leave me with a disappointments sometimes. I never see myself getting hurt easily, but I don't have a heart made out of steel either. My heartbreak count is just one yet, maybe one and a half but in the future i will get 100 times more. Life is too short just to stay in one place. I'd love to take risk and gamble, but i always too scared to lose. When i'm ready to lose then i guess it will be the time i gain some more.
WL