Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Letter to myself

Dear Mr.Big,

I wrote this letter not for you but for myself. Now, I’m in an emotional mess. What we had in the other city two weeks ago was very meaningful to me. I couldn’t forget every single time we spent together. I didn’t expect that our trip together meant a lot to me. I think I fell for you. I have never felt this way before to anyone. I just want you to know that you mean something to me. I have unexpectedly opened up my heart for you; It was like Pandora’s box. It was disastrous. I want me to be special in front of your eyes. I really like you. I want us to be together. I want you to guide me, I expect too much now. I feel disappointed to myself why I expect too much from you. When we parted ways, I felt heartbroken because I know mw ad you couldn’t be together unless you open up your heart to me. I don’t know what to do to make you fell the same way as I do. I want you. I don’t care about your baggage. I need to know what inside your heart. I feel that you treated me hot and cold. You are so cold to me every time I contact you on blackberry. I just want you to be honest to me. What do you feel about us? I want to assure that what we had didn’t just end up in the other city.  I have known you for almost 6 months even though we rarely met each other. but I felt that it was a very long time. I have been thinking about you sometimes. and now you are in my mind all the time. I feel so sick to myself.

When the first time we met. I was so surprised that you baked me rhubarb crumble after we did it. I was so touched by your gesture. You were so sweet to me. I did some wrong moves to force you to go to my place not long after we first met. I only thought of you that time as the sweetest guy i've been with. Now you mean more than that. You made me feel like a completely different person. I want you beside me. I want you next to me. I want you to feel the same way as I do. I couldn’t say that I love you but my heart is broken because you have not yet opened up your heart to me. I want to forget about you, forget what we had together 2 weeks ago. But I can’t it’s too hard.

I love the way you smile at me. I felt down when I first landed here. It continues until now. I wish us to be together, I don’t care what it takes. I subconsciously gave everything that I have to you without thinking out any risks. I fell for you madly and deeply. I never have think of anyone this deep before..

I don’t know why I’m losing myself. I feel like crap writing this letter to you, I will always remembers you fondly as the guy who baked me rhubarb crumble and the guy who took me to the other city for the first time.

I wish you all the best Mr.Big, I have to move on with my life in order to be sane again. I wish you feel the same way as I do and I hope we could meet again in the future. I have to let you and this feeling go. 



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