Mr. Big siad hi to me online earlier. It was quite strange as I haven't spoken to him for a while. He said hi first. It was a bit awkward and for a sudden, the feelings was flashing back in my head. He told me he was doing okay, he moved out of the house and moving back in with his mother. He hasn't found a place yet for him and his ex and his ex's partner. Now he lives nearby from where i live. I didn't know why i ask him to meet me for coffee tonight. It was very out of the blue. Should he has the right to know that i had feelings for him or it was obvious. I shouldn't guess anything what's inside his head. I don't know if if i have the courage to tell him how i felt, and at the same time Our coffee date might be canceled. I wouldn't sleep with him, if i do i'm afraid that the feelings might be back and grow, therefore i will be more and more disappointed. I'd love to take chances but calculating the gain and the loss it's pretty much obvious that the loss will be there and i'm not ready to risk it. Well, the possibility is very highly unlikely but i have to anticipate every single thing that's going to happen with me.
If i decide to be honest to him and tell him how i felt, the most likely scenario is he won't return my affection and i don't think i care about it. but what i'm afraid of that he will be out of my life forever. I think whatever happened between us, i would like to call him my friend, so it will be very disappointing if that happened. Another scenario, if i don't tell him how i feel honestly, there will be a great burden inside of me that will eat me alive, or i should not care less because the moment has gone. I have toughen up my heart in over a month, but if i ask honestly if i still have a little feelings, yes. I don't think i have moved on completely, but i have throw away all my expectations towards him and start to re-organize. It's not his fault to make me this way, it was just the situation.
A friend of mine told me, he must have liked me that's why he took me to the other city to spend time with me. but then I figured out, it was the matter of him not wanting to grow it further. It hasn't killed me either. It has made me stronger.