Monday, December 27, 2010


My mr.big is going away to Thailand today for holiday, before he left, we met couple of times after the silly fight we had before christmas. I had a blast this holiday season, just a little out of love but everything was much better than last year where i spent it alone. I have a lot of question to ask myself, whether i want closure with mr.big or not. I said goodbye but he doesn't like it, he said "see you later". I care deeply about him, i don't want to break his heart but i need to protect my heart first. These couple of days, he wasn't here with me physically but emotionally we were. We called each other so many times, I know that he doesn't want to lose me, but I think if i close my heart to him, I shouldn't lose more than what i had already got. I think when he's back it'll be another chapter of my life next year. He doesn't want relationship, and I don't even know what i want. I like him, i really do, but i don't think it's something called love yet. I have been infatuated with him, by his action, his genuine feelings since the first time i met him. Would my affection be the same towards him after he's back in 2 weeks or I would close my heart for good. The fight last week taught me something, he's more vulnerable than i think. yet, i'm very secured of my life. but i felt a little greedy because i want love. Not sure if it's too much too ask for a young guy who seems to have everything in his short life.

He gave me a christmas present, it's his all time favorite feel good movie, "almost famous. It was a good gesture, i still haven't given him anything but i let him borrow my recent favorite book "Call me by your name" by Andre Aciman. It's a really good book about first love. a short affair but with a long time implication. I expect him to read it while he's away so he has the right idea of what i feel towards him. but i think he won't read it, he will be having fun most of the time while he's there.

"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart but the very next day you gave it away. This year to save me from tears, i will give it to someone special"-WHAM

On the brighter side, I have a date this week with a guy who kinda healed my broken heart with great sex and thoughtful conversations. I met him around 2 months ago, when my heart was broken. It was a great date and he was a true gentleman. Just too bad that he was in a relationship and now he's single and ready to meet me again.

Mr.Big and this guy has a lot of similarities both are around the same age, and has some baggage in their live. They drink different type of coffee. Mr.Big is picollo latte, without sugar. A bitter dark condensed drink with a strong after taste smoothed by steamed milk yet Mick, is cappuccino with one sugar. A sweet delicious drink, full of froth and bubbly. and I'm flat white, something in between two of them.

They also wear casio watches from the same range and both of them also smoke clove cigarettes, Mr.big smokes gudang garam, a manly man's cigarettes and Mick smokes Sampoerna Amild menthol, a typical women's cigarettes. I love the taste of their lips when i kiss one of them, so different and yet sweet. literally sweet lips from the cigarette aftertaste.

I'm excited to see M again later this week. really looking forward to it. It might be the beginning of something, wait and see Mr.Lemon.



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