Friday, December 24, 2010

First argument

Things have been heated up lately. I think the more you know somebody, the well you know them. This is the case with my existing mr.big. He likes to make corny jokes and i'm quite a serious man. He's not serious and i'm too serious. I should ease up a little even though we speak the same language, in terms of humor we're lost in translation. I take his jokes seriously, I know it's not serious but i don't like the way he put things so lightly. It's not even funny sometimes. I like dark humor, and ironic things. that's me.  I laugh hard and harder when people are miserable. I think it does it make me a bad person. He told me once that he's naive, and i'm clearly not. but then again i might not know anything about life because of my age. But I do know how to protect myself. getting heartbroken once by him was an enough experience. i don't know when's the next one's gonna be. Is it going to be from the same person or from another,but i know it's unavoidable. It's one of the things that makes me grow up. I don't know if what i did tonight was childish or sensible mature like. I have no idea. It started from this.

Around midday he bbm me saying hi and asked me what i was up to, unconsciously i want to make him a little jealous saying that i'm with a new friend and i'm accompanying that person shopping. without telling him the gender of this person. "someone that i just met yesterday", that was my exact word. I wasn't trying to play games but it was sending him a negative energy. I shouldn't have done it but deep inside i was wondering if he really likes me. My mistake, sometimes i just want an assurance. I don't care wether he want's a relationship with me or not but i like myself to be liked by someone and maybe that's just enough for me. I'm an attention whore whenever i want to but always keep it low key most of the time. He called me later and i asked him for a drink with me that evening. It's bit hard to see him, as it's christmas time and we're both busy. He's going to thailand on monday for three weeks so It's hard to see each other before he leaves. We talked about it and we managed to see each other as much as we could. Things might have change after he leaves on a holiday. Never know where we might be, losing interests with each other is possible. He might be back full of diseases and more baggage than ever or a plus one, an island lover. Haha maybe i'm thinking too much, but it's what's in my head now. I should given him a chance, at least a space. I'm getting more and more powerful, and enjoying my youth and He's at the end of it. He's getting old and I'm closer to my prime. We were having our drinks somewhere in cockle bay, and he said he was't in a good mood but he didn't tell me why. I told him about my day i was accompanying an elderly lady to shopping today. He told me that he's going out tonight for drinks with his friends and i'm invited. I had 3 more invitations that night but i chose to be with him. We went to pick up his friend, a young chinese gentleman. he's alright but i didn't to know him much tonight. They were gonna see their other friends and his new friends as well. He asked me if i wanted to tag along so i agreed to it. he dropped me off at my house so i could get ready and they would too at his house. I waited for quite a while and they picked me up back. I had a bad feeling of tagging along with them but i guess it could be fun. I kept asking him whether he wanted me to go with him. because honestly, i wouldn't mind if i'm not included, not trying to be a busy gentleman but i had some better offer than going to have a drink at oxford st. He was joking all along at the car and i wasn't feeling comfortable about it. nothing serious but just plain uncomfortable. something like he should moves in with me because i live in a luxury house and he lives in a shed or when he told me to get out of the car, he was joking but he never know what i'm capable of. for me it's a dare. the more he makes those jokes the more i feel challenged and show him what i'm capable of.

he picked me up with his friend to go to oxford st, clearly i wasn't giving his friend a good impression of myself like i always do. is it because he's also young and a little cuter than me? Do i feel intimidated because he's taller than me? or the fact that i'm simply jealous of his friend and during 2 hours i was waiting in my house they could have sex together like animal. I just don't want to think about it too much, it's driving me insane. On the way to oxford st, the chinese guy was asking him wether mr.big has a boyfriend or not and he said no and not planning to look one or have any in the future, i closed my ears when i heard it. it's simply because i don't know what i want and he knows what he doesn't want.

We went to oxford st, we had dinner then meeting up his other friends for drinks. everything seems alright. I had an okay night, it wasn't a blast. His friends and him was buying me drinks. I don't really like to be paid, unless it's a very close and personal friends or family. it's just my principle. so i don't feel like owing anybody anything even when it's a shout. then another group comes, it's the chinese guy's friends from singapore. There's this particular guy that he was kinda interested and i have a feeling that he might chase after him for fun. That guy was not as cute as me and has a weird face, i don't mind if he's after someone who is better than me in every way but i felt more and more insecure if he's after someone that hasn't got the same quality as me or as close. I heard their conversations because they sat next to me. He asked the singaporean guy wether he has time in the next few days to take him on "eastern suburbs" tour, showing him where he lives around there. I had the "tour" the first time i met him, and i didn't know what was the point of mr.big asked the singaporean guy to be his tour guide. Mr. Big also complimenting his perfume, a cheapo discontinued one. I felt bit disgusted by his actions.  I also heard that they're exchanging phone numbers. it's sick, the transactions is just in front of my eyes, what was he thinking, was he testing my ability or he's fucking with me. writing this up just a simple way to channel my pissy mood tonight.

We left the group early, the chinese guy needs to go home so he could get a ride to the train stations and i was gonna go with him because we live not far from each other. On the way to the car, he was making some jokes about money pointing out to the chinese guy, "You should pay me for your drink!!" when i heard it, i felt uneasy , so i put a $20 note into his pocket and told him that he should have it because he's broke and i'm rich. and i like to pay my own drinks. It wasn't a smooth move. The chinese guy said that mr big is lucky to have a "sugar son" He was bit offended and we argued a little, i didn't like the situation so i ran. He didn't think that i would be serious about running away, but i left them. Something that i had to do. Something that i'm actually capable of. I felt powerful instantly, i took a cab and went back home, the cab had to make a turn so i saw them waiting for me for a bit and left. It was kind nice to have that kind of attention. I bbm him, "sweet dreams bub, see you after thailand" he replied with a triple question marks "???" i called him. i wanted to make it up to him because i felt that i wasn't fair for him to be treated that way. we sorta straight the matter up and i told him, didn't it feel like a joke for you? i asked him to go for breakfast tomorrow morning. we'll see what happen. to be honest, i was a little turned off by the whole situation.

I'll see what happened tomorrow. Not sure if he's gonna see me, or he'll go swimming with the singaporean guy at the nudist beach.



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