Recent part.5

As the new year's getting closer. I feel more and more excited for the new year. this year was not a very good year but i learn a lot about life. When i was 17, i thought i knew everything. but boy i was wrong. there was a lot of things that i didn't know then. and now I knew that life is bittersweet.

Last week, I invited him over to my house for the first time and met my friend from overseas, he didn't expect my gesture and it was impromptu. I live with my cousins and they don't know anything about me fancy another guy. Being in the closet is tricky, you will never have any chance to invite anyone. especially i like older guys, and that is super tricky. That day, my cousin who i live with is away so i invited him over to meet my good friend from overseas. We all had a great time together, had great whine, meal and quality conversations. I'm glad that he saw how i live, he always tease me ever since that he wants to move in with me and live at my very nice house. fat chance amigo!!

I invited him again after work the next following day, we fooled around a little and had a great time watching a movie together. It was bliss. cuddling with the man that i like. I like him for his heart and his brain but not his baggage and his joke. it just turns me off the most. His lips tastes like candy from the cloves cigarettes that he smokes. I like kissing him, after all he's italian he knows what passion is. He told me that he's gonna go with the flow with me. that's a good thing to say to a clueless guy.

Days before christmas it's his busiest day of the year before the holidays and I don't get to see him for a few days. He invited me to have a BBQ dinner at his faghag's place. I agreed to do it, I had an okay time with them. It wasn't exactly a blast but not a bad time either. I hate his jokes. He joked to everyone that i'm his pool boy and he's gonna move in with me. haha very funny. well, at least i made a really good impression to his bff, the fag hag who thinks that i'm cute. :)

Then the argument happen, the day before xmas eve, I got very sensitive by his jokes and I showed him the worst of me.

I also told him to have a fucking merry christmas and a fucking new year when i was drunk and he spelt my name incorrectly when we were texting each other on xmas eve, I went drinking with my friend accompanying her ease the loneliness together. oh well, it was not an elegant move but when I was intoxicated. He brought me a xmas gift the following day. but I wasn't treating him nicely either. I still a bit hurt from his friend's remark about him having a sugar son like me. that was just way out of line. and I was upset because he flirted with a guy that's not as cute or smart as me. I felt more and more insecure.
I was really bitter to him and I asked him why didn't he contact the singaporean guy that he fancy and go to the nude beach and have fun with him. He replied that the guy gave him a text but he won't go anywhere with him. He told me that there's no point of having fun with this guy as he lives overseas. I kissed him goodbye and let him go. He's away to Thailand now.

i told him that i won't contact him unless it's important, but i couldn't do it. Couple days ago, he texted me his number there, so i called him and asked him how he was doing. he told me that he was a little lonely there. i told him that if only he asked me to go couple weeks ago, i would join him but since he didn't ask i couldn't just go like that, oh well i have a job too. I called him again yesterday and it seems that he's enjoying his time there. couldn't complain that he's having a blast there having fun with all the boys there!! I don't feel jealous at all, and i don't care much if he's having fun with other guys. does it mean that i understand him, or is it just the closure? I wrote a post couple days ago about closure with him. Maybe we will only become friends or we might not be more than what we are now. I am clueless, i don't know what i want. He told me that being in Thailand alone for the first few days was agony but he seems to enjoy it now. He also told me that his ex told him that he should find himself first and fnd another later. He also told me that if he won't find himself, then he will find rebounds. Does that mean that i'm a rebound. I told myself that i'm special to him, after all could he find anyone better than me, if he could than I think i will gladly let him go. it's easier for me to find another one than he finds one for himself. That's the theory, i'm young and he's old it's as simple as that. I know that his heart is broken and he hasn't got over it. I knew his feelings towards his ex is still the same and there's nothing could change that. I think his ex, the deaf guy is the luckiest person in the world who has 2 incredible guys who love him unconditionally. I envy him, but then again i shouldn't be jealous because I have what the ex doesn't have. I listen and the guy is deaf. Mr.Big still cares about him very much, they're more than best friends. I've never met the guy but from his texts and their conversations on the phone, His love is unconditional. Once i asked about it and he denied that he's still in love with the guy. I knew that he still loves him unconditionally. He told me that he didn't feel hurt, i guess it's bullshit. He hurts a lot and now he's recovering. It's been more than a year, but officially it ended 6 months ago. I guess they were trying to have a 3 way relationship but It was a total failure. I learn more and more about him. and It still left me clueless about us. One day he told me to go with the flow, and the other day he told someone in front of my ears that he's not looking for any relationship. So it left me even more clueless. I like him a lot. i was infatuated with indescribable reasons. whtas wrong with me. does this thing what is called love. I used to not believe in it, even my parent's marriage wasn't based on love. I grew up without love. There's this great quote from mad men, "The reason you haven't felt it is because it doesn't exist. What you call love was invented by guys like me to sell nylons". I believe in that quote just before i met him. he showed me what is called affection, he rocked my world. is he playing me up to mend his broken heart or he is genuinely like me but he's scared. I know that he's intimidated by me, i seem to have everything that he doesn't have. My ability to share is out of the question. but i think i might be able to rescue him, at least cheer him up. That's the only thing that i could offer. After all, i feel comfort in him. 


I'm not going anywhere this new year's eve, I don't feel like celebrating at all and I felt bit down during the day but not anymore. I hope next year will be much better than this year. cross my fingers X


WL