He loves me he loves me not

It's been almost 3 weeks since mr.big gone to Thailand for holiday. The separation kills me slowly each day. I miss him, no doubt about that. I thought i could be strong and not thinking about him while he's away but i can't. Subconsciously, my mind think about him all the time. My heart beats whenever there's something that reminds me of him.

A few days ago, I dreamt about him, it was a nightmare, in that dream he was gone m.i.a, I texted him when i woke up. Just make sure that he was okay there. He told me that he was doing well, he was at an island and he also told me that he made a friend there who took care of him while he was there. I imagined that they're having pretty good time together and the thought of it kills me even more.

"In my life, why do i give valuable time to people who don't care if i live or die"- Morrissey, Heaven knows i'm miserable now.

I think i worry too much and it kills me, i give my precious time to think about a guy who doesn't want any relationship with me but doesn't want to let me go, and I'm not sure if i want a closure with him. It's getting more and more complicated. Nevertheless, our time apart make me realize how much i like him, it's kind of a self reflection. Will he be a different person when he's back? I hope not. I'm still the same person. I don't want to lose him again, i had my share of broken heart once because of him and i don't want it happen again. I do like him too much, and if someone asked me why, or even if i asked myself. I just couldn't answer it by words. He is much older than me and he has a lot of baggage. I'm fine with age difference, it's 25 years and but not by his baggage.

I sent him an anonymous gift by Larrypost. I hope he likes the gift, I just need to see him smile again. I just can't resist the smile on his face while he's looking at me face to face with pretty intense eye contact. I wish he could do that again to me. I miss him.

"And I miss you like the desert miss the rain"-Everything but the girl, Missing

I called him yesterday, and he sounded very cold and unexcited when i called him. Does he has a change of heart. I wonder.

The more he treated me that way the more i get curious. One time, he ignored me for a few days and I got myself crazy.

"The more you ignore me the closer i get, wasting your time. Beware I hold grudges more than lonely high court judges. When you sleep i will creep into your thoughts like a bad debt you can't pay. take the easy way out and let me in, yea let me in"-Morrissey, The more you ignore me the closer i get.

Does he think of me as a rebound because he was out of a long term relationship a year ago and now he felt the pain? Whatever he thinks of me, I think and care more deeply about him. He is special to me.

WL