Sunday, January 30, 2011

Le Brunch avec Monsieur Big

Earlier this week, we agreed to have brunch together this morning. I thought it's a good decision as i realize that i can't avoid him. I'm moving on and it's all going very well. But There were things that upset me a lot after brunch and I'm writing all this down to make me feel better.

He picked me up in front of my house as usual, Earlier this week, when i ran into him I couldn't look him into his eyes, my brain shut me off completely when i tried looking at him. So i avoided the eye contact and pretend everything was cool. But i was out of breath again after the supermarket encounter. But this morning, I toughen up myself and ready too see him again. things were great during brunch and we talked like a friend. He seems friendlier this way, and I guess it's the best way. I keep the possibilities open and I didn't expect much from today except having a good time with a friend. As he drove back home, i started to ask him about things and his relationship with Thai Island loverboy, and He said things are going very well between them and He talk to him almost everyday and every second. and he dropped the bomb that He's going back there again for his birthday (next month) to see him and pray in a temple in Thailand. I was so upset hearing that but I kept it to myself. So i asked him is it serious? and he said that the trip next month is sorta a test whether they can be together or not and The fucking guy is planning to visit him here in Sydney at June. So It should be pretty serious then if he's talking about building up relationship together and dreaming future together, and i'm out of place. I'm moving on but obviously i still have feelings that i can't deny. It's hard to give up when you see the battle is not finished yet, but i guess the best thing for me is just to give up and don't care again.

I self reflect and i asked him about things, why we couldn't work it out? Afterall, i seemed to be a good companion for him. But i reflect again, maybe I still hide things in my closet and that bugged him, and i asked him about it and he confirmed. It's not a big shock but I came out couple of weeks before to some members of my family, but not my parents but it's my own choice. I let him know about that and We agreed that the timing was not on our side and It's too late. I guess everything is too late by now, i can't possess his heart and I should let him be happy and I should give up on the battle and not care about things just to make myself happy. Ignorance can be a bliss, but i always believe when things are starting to open up it can be hell.

I'm moving on and choosing life, I'm ready to be friends with him, and I starting to feel a little tired so i will give up on him eventually. not sure when i'm gonna see him again, but I know it's not gonna be very soon. Keeping distance should be the wise move.



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