Thursday, January 27, 2011

Start moving on and choose life.

It's been more than a week since the drama happens and now i'm moving on. Deep inside my heart i still want him, that's the feeling that i can't deny but i'm crossing my fingers hard until i get tired. I think it's my nature to keep everything open to any possibilities. I hate creating an enemy or have a negative thoughts about a particular person. I can't think of him as a jerk, maybe because he's not and i should never try to think of him as one. He broke my heart bust so what, i still have to move on. life is full of possibilities and i have to choose life. Being depressed and in a week of emotional roller coaster is enough for me. i stopped having dreams about him last weekend, after i sent him my letter to him. I know some people might not agree to what i did, but i followed my instinct, i should not listen to everybody else except myself. I always have a very strong instinct about something and most of the time i always right. My assertiveness is a trait that people sometimes perceived it as cocky, but i should not care about everyone else's opinion although i do listen but most of the time i do not hear, i hear from myself.

I did a very bold move sending him the letter that i wrote at the last posting, although it was only a draft. I something more but overall, it's all about myself, my feelings and my desire to want him and to let him know that we are still friends and possibilities are always open until i get tired of waiting and move on from him. He replied the next morning, we agreed on one thing during the week, limited contact. We agreed to not stop seeing each other but keeping everything toned down, it means no morning greetings or good nights and updating each other daily. It was a bit hard thing to do, but after a week i learn to live without it. He's still my friend, and he's never been my boyfriend. I miss the feeling of waking up every morning and there's someone who calls me wishing me good morning, or a simple text message wishing me "sleep tight, sweet dreams" every night but i guess it's all over now. I'm not desperate to have another one, although reflecting to much of my heart and time invested in this guy, now it's time to sell all the stocks slowly because it's performing rather quite disappointing but cross fingers until the market performs better, will it be the wise decision to sell it altogether or invest more? hmm.. me and my friends always think of love as investments. It's a cool euphemism if i think about it. growth, loss, profit. it's all adds up in my opinion. well, i'm not a finance major, but i know a thing or two about finance.

The day after i sent him my letter, he told me that he was touched by my letter, he really really was. and for the same day, i stopped having dreams about him, and he hasn't been the first person that i think when i wake up. i guess it's a sign of moving on. we quickly update each other that morning, but nothing more than that. I felt that i did the right thing to send the letter as an emotional release. things are good between us, always has and always will be. i don't want to change it into something bad, and i believe my relationship with him either as someone that i know, or a friend or more than that should be always good and not flawed. I hate creating an enemy. well, at least he was touched not turned off, haha. oh well, my letter for him was kinda heavy. but i'm glad i wrote it. but i shouldn't be much more disappointed because i didn't project much expectation into it, but always keep hope because it's a natural feeling and it's different from expectation that always brings me down.

I'm pretty much healed from all the saga last week, my heartbroken period is gone now and I'm getting back on my feet now and moving on. Last sunday he called me out of nowhere, well bit unexpected that he called. We had a long chat on the phone, i was bit bedridden due to cold and his feet were acting up. He has a problem with his feet and it kinda prevented him of working out and he was just simply want attention, he also wants my comfort because he had a fight with his family over money, very sensitive subject, as he's the bad apple in the family although the family is quite secured financially. He is much older than me but i feel that he's around my age emotionally and i'm way over my age, emotionally speaking. I comforted him a little, and he was just telling me how his weekend went and i did the same too. At least i know that he seeks comfort in me, i didn't feel that i was used but one thing that bugs me that he told me this "i trust you and i'm very comfortable taking to you because you're my boyf-" he didn't finish the last sentence, maybe he realized that he was out of line or he didn't want me to feel being used or he was just using me for a moment of emotional comfort, like a cushion or a welcome mat. hmmm.. tell me about something that i should avoid in this, is my letter really melt his heart or he wants to use me again as a comforter. either way, i should make a decision about this before it's getting unhealthy. I quickly avoid him by refraining to talk to him or call him back or text him and i did block him on msn so he couldn't see that i'm online. all is well, i thought until the next day

I had this urge to go to the grocery store even though i didn't really have to. My fridge was all stocked up but maybe i felt bored and need some kind of fresh air, so there i walked to my local grocery store about 3 minute by foot from my house, i didn't really think about anything not even him and there it was, his car parked in front of the grocery store, in my mind i was feeling pretty fucked that i just simply can't avoid him. We live pretty close to each other of sydney eastern suburb but not in the same neighborhood, but why does he shop there? marking my territory his. So i looked for him between the aisle, there he was, alone looking at the iced tea bottles. i hugged him from behind, i didn't know why i did it. it was natural i guess. he turned back and he was surprised, as surprised as me. we chatted for about 10 minutes between the aisles and it was just okay, general stuff. But one thing that i noticed from myself, i couldn't look into him in the eye. bugger. It's just too hard, so i avoided his eye contact for 10 minutes, once i glanced and my hearts beat so fast because he looks good, even better than the first time i saw him. maybe it's the Italian gene on him, like fine wine it gets better when it matures. As we parted, i acted so clumsy, i didn't know why. I was so clumsy until i dropped few of my things on the floor. My heart beat so fast to the point that i couldn't breathe normally. But i know it's not a panic attack, so i called my friend for an emotional support. She comforted me. This is not the first time we ran into each other, the first one was even more bizarre i was walking down the street in Darlinghurst with my ipod on maximum volume and i suddenly have the urge to turn right, and just right there on the street inside his car shouting my name. This happened before we've gotten really close. I thought of it as a sign, and the second one it''s a warning that maybe it's fate that we're a match or a warning that i just simply can't delete him out of my life. If we are actually a match, and the nature tells us that it might not work actually, well maybe for him because right now the option is very wide open but slowly by slowly closing up and i think it will be soon until i close my heart for him completely, i don't know why i write this but that's my instinct tells me and it will be quite hard to open it up again. Just remind me again why do i like this guy so much and what are his baggages that turn me off so much. hmm..

I texted him after the encounter, and we agreed on one thing that we couldn't avoid each other for sure and it's final, we agreed to have brunch again next weekend, oh let's see how everything goes. He's a good company and I'm pretty sure i'm a good companion for him but i should not think more than beyond having a brunch with a buddy, we should respect each other's decision and I don't have any desire to have sex with him at the moment, it's rather complicated and we should agree that no physical contact in anyway, I should stay within my boundaries and he should kept his. If things are moving along great, i might consider it but at the moment i should stick with the line that we drew together.

Yesterday was quite interesting. I kinda lost my sexual urge for the past couple weeks, maybe because i think about the relationship often, not to mention heartbreak so I have no desire to have sex with anyone, not even random people or fuck buddies that i kept for my pleasure. I felt so disgusted at one point about hooking up and all that jazz, but yesterday i felt horny for the first time in weeks. I also felt the urge to go to a sauna, i've been to a sauna once and I didn't think that i would do it again soon. It's just not my style, and my kind of place the dark wet sleazy place. i'd rather have coffee date then fake intimacy rather than fuck and go. I ran my errands and went to a sauna that i had never been before. It was alright i guess the whole experience of cruising and hunting, but i found myself really calm and serene inside the steam room. I felt relaxed and didn't think much of anything. so surreal. I got hit on by an older gentleman with white hear to the point where he touched me and i looked into his face as i moaned pleasure but disgusted by his appearance. He whispered to me that it's alright it felt good, it didn't matter but my brain got really turned off and so did my penis. Hahaha, i told him that this won't work out and i left, he stalked me for hours, creepy. but he got tired. There's this guy that wanted cuddles and nothing more, it felt so secure for a moment being cuddled and embraced by someone, i missed that feeling. We didn't do anything more. I didn't have much luck that night, not until i almost gave up and went to the dark room and there's this guy who wanted me to do him. So i did him and i was pretty much in control. It was great but i felt really tired for being there for hours so i didn't have my full on energy. It was all safe and sound i wasn't desperate enough or stupid enough not to use protection and lubricant. I couldn't see his face but he had a great body, it was all anonymous and Sexy. He had a british accent and i could feel a ring on his finger. oh well, i have nothing against that i even think that it's quite sexy. That was not the first time i got involved with married men or someone who was married to a woman. Yesterday wasn't bad but it's not great either it was just okay i got my sexual release and I went home tired. I don't think i will go there again anytime soon, it's an experience for once in a while.

I logged in into some of the proper dating sites that i paid fortune for them and the results were quite disappointing, but there's one potential date and he hasn't replied my message back although i reply his message. Oh well, see how it goes, I'll give it a few days, if there's no progress in 2 weeks i will shut them down completely. I also restore back my half dating half hookup site #F and i got couple of new hearts after i changed my profile pics. before i wrote this entry i had a chat with M, the guy that i had a date with before me and J gotten back closer again, it was on early November and as far i can recall it back the memory he is a true proper gentleman and the best sex of my life. We saw each other again a day after J went to Thailand around late December before new year's, I had a date with M, he invited me to his place somewhere in North shore. he's a North Shore kind of guy, that's what he told me haha. We had a really great time together, and we really clicked. He's very different of J a.k.a my Mr.Big, if J is left and right, M is very straightforward like me. despite their similarities in taste (men, cigarettes, interests) their personalities are total opposite. I really like him as well, and He always tells me whenever he's available and assurance or interest to meet up again, no bullshit. although he's a very busy man. Seriously, i don't care if won't meet him again, the sex was just mind-blowing to the point that i should not care. Only one thing about this perfect man, He has a partner although they were at the end stage of their relationship (seeing other people, putting single as status) but I still believe that their bond are still strong afterall, they're together for 9 years now and It will be hard to be in between them and He was also married to a woman and had 2 teenage kids together. Baggage!! but i can see him as a fully dedicated man, a relationship guy and loving tender and caring partner. Just wait and see, don't get my hopes too high! He told me on msn that he's very busy at the moment because he has 2 jobs, one for the government and he has his own business, but he will let me know when he's able to steal time for me. so all is well i hope. I can't wait till i get together with him. he has the most incredible energy from all of the men that i've shared bed with. he also brings out the most masculine side of me, and it's natural. haha. I didn't fake it and even though i don't act like a typical effeminate gay man out there but with this guy i can explore the manliest man inside of me, it's like i'm jock in high school playing football. haha.. We love to take turns and for the first time in my life I realize that like to be in charge, usually i'm the power bottom but this man change my whole perspective towards sex and convert me into a versatile. Oh the sex, the sex. i just can't wait till i see him again, but as i said i won't be disappointed at all if i don't see him again ever. It's just too damn good, and He's a very nice man too, something to remember for life by how good it was, the sex and his personality and his smile.

Oh well, i'm writing down all of this because i'm bored. I still have a month left till the semester comes and i get back to school. I'm bored, broke and out of love. I should sleep now who knows my luck changes in the morning.



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