A letter for him.

I wake up everyday and you are the first thing that comes into my head. I tried to block you, but i can't. Maybe it's because i still have feelings for you. Today, i had a dream about you, It wasn't a good dream. We were in a space where we had an argument and i said something that made myself regret and upset you so much. I couldn't remember the exact words, but you made the move to erase me out of my life without giving me any chance to explain. When i woke up, i shed a tear. Maybe it's reality that i have to face, to delete you out of my life or me out of yours. But i followed my instinct that maybe this is not a wise decision, we agree to remain friends but then again, will it work without me wasting away my heart because you don't return the same feeling as i do to you.

Reflecting to our relationship, even though we were not a couple, but My feelings for you were deep but I was insensitive and you were very sensitive. I might said a lot of things to upset you, but there were also a lot of your actions upset me. 

I want you, that's what my heart says, but my head says that i should stop. My head is angry, the fact that you fell for another guy in Thailand and you gave him your heart there and when you returned, you refused to accept my heart to you. I thought when i was with you i was the one who is being insincere because i wanted more. But when i lost you, i felt that what i said to you were true, and genuine. I like you the way you are, baggage or no baggage. 

Deep inside my heart, i want to possess your heart, your affection, and you have mine. I feel that loving you is a genuine feeling therefore possessing you should not be the same thing. I don't expect more of you, but i want you. That's the feeling that i can't fight. 

I should make peace for myself and move on, but it's not that easy. I want to keep you as a friend but it's not easy. Holding you, kissing you, making love to you, Those things are out of questions. But i feel the desire to be with you, to fix you, and to guide me. I know i'm not the type of person that always count of somebody and you love to be leaned on by everyone. But I believe if there's a chance i can be the person who will lift you up and get back on your feel again and we will walk together, happy. And I know you will teach me and guide me and protect me, I believe that you can. This is my hope and wishes which won't happen, the possibilities are small but It won't stop crossing my fingers until i get tired and give up on you.

When that day come, The day i completely give up on you, It's the day that i'm moved on and erase what i had with you.

Ps: I won't send this to him, but i'm thinking about it whether it's worth it or not.