Wednesday, January 19, 2011

It's all in my head, I'm starting to lose my mind

Me: There's something that i need to tell you, all these time. What i said to you was true and my feelings for you were genuine. It was pure and I know that there's nothing i can do to change your heart.

Him: You know that us would never be together. I can't lie to you anymore. It's heartbreaking, i know but you just have to accept it. I never meant to hurt you but that's the truth. I can't hurt you any more longer. It is killing me too.

Me: I know that i can't force you to love me, but have you ever consider yourself giving me a chance?

Him: I have given myself a chance i gave you more than a chance but then again, it would never worked out between us. I'm in the position where i can't be in a relationship with anyone, I need to fix myself first before i find the right one for me.

Me: I think you are closing up your heart, I don't understand why you can't open up your heart to me? let me in. we will figure it out how it work. you know the way to my heart, and if you given me any more chances, i would be the best one for you i know that. We can do it. We can organize a revolution together. You and me as a real thing.

Him: NO, I am too damaged. I don't see it actually coming, me and you are nothing compared to what i felt in Thailand and my previous partners. Why don't you give up and move on. Give your heart to another guy who will love you back, not me a damaged good.

Me: But you know that my feelings were true and genuine. It's heartbreaking when someone can't reciprocate my feelings back. It was not my intention in the first place, I didn't plan to fall for you. it's the same thing when you didn't plan to fall for your island lover.

Him: Look, I can't see myself being with you, or building a life together. It's going to be a rough patch and it's going to be even more complicated than now. I can't lie to you or even to myself now.

Me: But then why are you keeping all these time then, are you only playing up with my heart then? Taking advantage of this situation because everyone wants to be with you? So Tossing me and you still have another 2 waiting for you.

Him: No, It's not what you think. I'm in a different space now.

Me: How, why is it different?

Him: I think now i'm in a position where i have the advantage to be true to myself, even though it means hurting people that i deeply care about including you.

Me: So do you really care about me. tell me honestly.

Him: Yes i do care about you, and I'd like us to be friends forever. Friends lasts forever, and lovers don't.

Me: But I don't know if i can see you as a friend. I mean i could try, but then again it would break my heart even more because i see you but there will be nothing going on between the two of us. I wouldn't be lying to myself the fact that I want you when we're in that space.

Him: It's hard for me too, trust me but  have done it few times and It's all working out very well.

Me: Oh yea, i think it's easier in theory but harder in the practical way. I don't know where this all going. I know i learnt it all in a very heard way.

Him: Believe me, time heals. and you are still young. you need to find yourself someone who is better than me.

Me: I think what i like about you the fact that you are not perfect. you have a nice heart and you are caring. But why is it so hard to let me in inside your heart?

Him: It's just not possible, you and me can't be more than friends.

Me: I think you are making the biggest mistake of your life. I can give you more support than anyone has ever given you. You have given enough support to people that you deeply care about and I think it's eating you up. I know how to heal you, I know how to handle you and make you smile again. I know that these all sound silly but I do believe that if we could give it a go, everything is possible from the point that you open your heart to me. I do believe it because i deeply care about you too, and even though i didn't show it by words but i was waiting for you to given yourself a chance for me.

Him: I know i'm stupid for not falling fall you, i know this is hard, just don't think about it as easy. It took me a lot of courage to actually said all these things to you and There is nothing i do about it, it's all fixed.

Me: I'm not trying to be a desperate guy for you, I'm just making a very bold move so you know and you realized what you have in front of your eyes and just embrace it. You are a very lucky man to have someone like me falling for you and deeply care about you like this.

Him: There is nothing for me to change my heart, i have thought long and hard about it too. I know that i'm fortunate enough to have you in my life. but i can't let you inside my heart.

Me: I'm still gonna wait for you, until you are ready. but then again, if i don't see you coming after me, i will have to let you go so both of us can be happy.

PS: This conversation are entirely fictional, it's something what i wrote to make myself feel better. I asked myself a question and answered it with his head.


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