Wednesday, August 26, 2015

I thought he was the one...

But He turned out to be a sociopath.

This happened few years ago, I met this guy who i thought was the one. 
To me he was almost perfect and i overlooked his baggage. I was not even sure why. 
They said love defies everything, including logic. I guess it was true in this case.

He never hurt me physically, but he did hurt me emotionally. BADLY. 
few sessions to see psychologist and psychiatrist later, i was on the mend, with medication,
Just to get over this guy. he fucked up my mind badly. Why?

Did I just hurt myself by falling in love with the wrong guy? why i always attract these kind of guys?
He was a loser, a total loser that i loved. I still cared about him though, i still can't help myself.

But yeah I get that he's no good, but being with him was like a drug. 

We looked good together, our conversation always flowed, he got me and i understood him. 
We shared the same passion, I felt like we were twins, and i thought that i found a soulmate. 

We knew we couldn't be together because he was moving but i opted to continue seeing him. 
It was a great few months, then he left. 

We continued to talk to each other everyday, my heart always pounding everytime i received his message. I felt content, there was someone out there who cared about me. 

I visited him, It was the beginning of a disaster, he came clean to me that he was seeing someone else. "just to fill the gap" he said, i was upset. then he got upset too. We hurt each other many times after, including one big confrontation, long passive aggressive emails bounced back and forth. 

I was exhausted.

On the final blow. I received a phonecall from his best friend. Telling me about everything, why he left, and why he was unstable. well shit got cleared, he was a psychopath. A social butterfly, a user. He left too many problems behind that he couldn't go back. Problems includes debts, feud with family members with physical violence, and many more. 

He was in love with me because i admired him, his good looks, his charm, and I adored him. But also because i was there. I was convenient. 

I remained friends with him but it got tough When i saw him again and i've moved on. He accused me of being obsessed with him. though i had truly moved on and thought of him as a friend only. 
He said hurtful things to me, it made me angry so i cut him off completely. Obviously He was furious at me because i didn't feel the same way was as before. 

It was the second time i got hurt, it hit me badly. 
Maybe it's true, you can't tied up your soulmate as partner. It's too painful.

The pain is gone now, but only the scar left behind. 
And i thought he was the one, maybe he was. but now I'm looking for another one. 
The one who wouldn't hurt me as bad. 


Monday, August 3, 2015

He's just not that into me

I get that a lot of times when somebody take me out on a date (in any context) and i certainly feels that he's just not that into me therefore we won't communicate more than our first meeting.  I never have any hard feelings towards it but it always annoys me for a few days or weeks but always get over it quick. In a harsh gay dating world when you give someone a message only 10% of all the message that you send is replied by your potential dates. He might reply suggesting to chat further or meeting up or just a simple rejection letter. "Sorry, but i am not interested". Or the third option, he might block you. Which one is worst? rejection letter or no reply or being blocked?  I think being blocked is the worst, yet rejection letter and no reply action are not as bad but it kills your confidence. That's just the first part of the harsh gay dating world. It wasted time and effort, or possibly heart. The first time i get the rejection letter or being blocked i was so surprised. Turns out i realized that to survive the dating game in this city I have to be someone that i'm not. I'm not that tall, definitely not skinny posses this certain look, act this certain way, belong to a certain race. Although some believe that opposite attracts but I figure that in this city they date or fuck with the mirror image of themselves. Let say if you are are a little overweight and don't belong in a majority race your chance on finding dates are really small. unless you find some niche which i have but still harder than normal average people. I have been on some dates where i am 100% sure that the guy will never contact me back because i know that he's just not that into me. Most of the time i weren't into them either so why bother putting more effort into waste.

When i was younger, let's say 21 years old. I just found out about the gay world. it was liberating, to have something new, beyond my sheltered life. I knew from such an early age i was into older guys. But most of the people out there are ageist. they would tell me off that i was too young.
Now when i got older, i guess the table a little bit turned. most guys these days aren't looking for someone my age. i wonder why.

Rejection is hard. but i guess i learnt it from time to time.
to to accept the fact that i cannot change and accept the change within myself.

Should i be a different person? why is it so hard to find someone who will accept me for whoever i am. beyond looks, personality, wealth, etc. I am getting tired with all of these nonsense.

Maybe if i transformed myself into a different persona, at least people would look at me differently. yet i might just killed someone, someone who is me.


love found love lost, then found again: renewed.

This happened few years ago, i know i had not been very disciplined in writing my blog, but it's something that is quite meaningful to me. His name is Byron. I met him through Growlr. He's attracted to my type, a bigger asian guy. Well in Sydney he got plenty of options. Well, he did meet most of them to get over his ex. He moved from a state not far away and yet probably it was just time before i met him. He was friends with people that i knew back then. They were in the same circle.

When we met, it was just magical. We did rounds of sleepovers, cuddling sessions, and emotionally dependent to each other for a while. I gave him a cute nickname, and it seemed that we were perfect for each other.

 but yet, the sex did not work.

Sex is very important factor to build up a relationship. and in this case that factor was just missing. We tried, but yet we gave up. I guess what we had was stronger than sex. we still continued seeing each other. until he moved away.

I vividly remembered they day i dropped him to 357 to have sex then i picked him up after he got some sex, It felt weird yet it felt fulfilling so see someone that i cared got what he needed. I also sought sex from other people. but yet at the end of the day he came home to me, and we embraced in each other's arm and collapsed in my bed.

We laughed, we argued, we kissed, we cuddled. but we did not make love.

I loved him, he loved me but it just didn't work.
He moved away, yet he came back to me.
We renewed our relationship into something stronger. a friendship that is beyond love.
I love him unconditionally.

We are friends now.
That's what matters the most: The fact that he's still in my life.
Maybe forever.