Thursday, March 31, 2011

bad date

I checked on site #m's inbox the other day, no i wasn't hunting but i'm always curious about guys who want to meet up with me without me trying to find one. Then there's this guy who sent me a message couple weeks ago telling me that i'm cute and wanting to meet up for drinks or coffee, good. at least he's not sleazy enough to take me to bed straight away, i'm just over it now. After exchanging phone numbers, and couple text messages later we agree to meet tonight. Oh see what happen. I'm not looking for anything but i'm always up for a thrill. A date. hope it will turn out well!

PS: I met the guy and officially, the worst date ever, over within 10 minutes, I didn't even order anything. I didn't know which part went wrong, but i thought he was a little interested until he told me he gotta do some errand. when i got back home, turned out he blocked me from the site. OUCH!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

le weekend, objectified part deux

Weekend. Finally, after a week from hell. 4 assignments and projects due at the same week and visitors from another country. They were my aunt and uncle. I hate them.

It was a great weekend as usual, great food, great friends, maybe lack of great sex but didn't matter, at least i had fun. It was the weekend that i was waiting for all week. A lot of things happened during a week. I didn't have time to update this blog, and My aunt and uncle kept lecturing me about my future. The talk, the dreadful talk about future. It wasn't the future that i'm scared of, but it's the present. I wasn't doing very well at school last semester and might push my graduation date for another semester. I didn't hate myself for it, but the talk reminded me for how much i have been a failure. My parents, and the rest of my family thinks of me of an investment. That was all about, The talk with my aunt and uncle. They reminded me how much money i had spent in the past 3 years. well, the amount was staggering, six figures but then it wasn't the money that made me felt really down, it was the lack of faith that they had faith in me. My uncle and aunt didn't support me, but they made the money for my family as my dad has shares in the company, which the money partly pays for my education. so yes, it was family money so they think they have the right to put me in the corner. Maybe they had the right to be upset and concerned, but then again they never have any faith in me. I even had a doubt that they (the family, mom and dad) actually love me in the first place. They do care, but it's all about how much money they had spent. I am being objectified. It was not the first time i felt objectified last week. After i saw what was going on my last post, I felt a little gutted. My whole life, am i actually treated as an object, as a 'thing'? My family think of me as an investment, so when the time i graduated from university and had a job means the investment turns profitable, and Some guys think of me as a rare asian cub that they hunt on the woods called Sydney. Life is hard, getting harder for me. I had some blues, but it was just something i had to deal with. I didn't feel angry but I was just totally annoyed with the situation. Finally, i get the truth, about me, myself, and i

Back to the weekend. It was great that the dreadful week ended. My aunt and uncle went back home after my cousin graduation (their purpose for being here) and I finished my projects, and Spent the weekend with my special friend, miss pinkcommunist who is going back to Beijing. She is a little older than me and we have been hanging out a lot since couple months ago. I had known her for more than a year now and We had been through a lot of things. We share, we laughed, we cried together. We comfort each other. She was there after the breakup and I was there with her too. We were heartbroken almost at the same time and we sorta healed each other. She taught me things about life and love. It's all very valuable. Something that I will not forget for the rest of my life. Spending the weekend with her is always the highlight of my week. I introduced Ollie to her a week after i met him, Ollie worked in beijing before Sydney so they have something substantial in common and they like each other.

Knut looks like this guy in the picture
The weekend started with drinks at her place. She also invited Ollie. I had a spare bottle of wine left from my dinner party, so I brought it over. Ollie came late, and he said he was bringing a friend and couple more bottles. I wonder who that person was. turned out it was Knut. I was surprised. I felt a little gutted but i was just played it along cool. miss pinkcommunist knew about the story of me being objectified by Ollie and Knut and She felt a little awkward too. Knut turned out to be shorther than what i thought, He's not as cute as what i thought. My friend, the pinkcommunist thinks that he's really unattractive. haha Knut alright i think but he's a little socially awkward. He was the odd crowd among four of us, i felt a little bad, maybe we intimidated him a little. :( But we ended up went out for karaoke til 2am. so all was well. Knut is such a typical hipster, i can get into his head judging from the way he look. I'm 100% sure that he listens to the smiths and reads yellow penguin paperbacks. During that night, he was clearly really shy and he wasn't really looking comfortable but as the night went he looked alright. I didn't really talk to him much but i'm pretty sure that he was just very shy. He couldn't really look at me though, that shy look, aaaah... flattering. Ollie gave me the usual "you're so cute look" So i was having great time with the guys, but am i actually comfortable to do a menage a troi? nah, i don't think so.

At Karaoke, It was fun times, i re-discovered my passion for rapping. haha. ollie said i was the worst rapper ever, but i was having fun. We sang "I'm coming home" by Diddy feat Skylar Grey. such a great song, "I know my kingdom awaits, they have forgiven my mistakes.." felt homesick a little, miss pinkcommunist was very homesick and we sang this song together, but then again do i actually have a home now? oh well, home is where i am now. I have grown so much from that chubby insecure spoilt guy into who i am now. After karaoke, miss pinkcommunist went home and left the three of us. We head out to oxford st. Not my favorite place for a night out. Ollie's choice. He took us to midnight shift. In my whole life, i've only been there twice because ollie took me there. Never like gay bars, not really my scene. My head was a little fucked and i wasn't really mood for dancing. Knut danced awkwardly cute, a hipster cub dancing to some electro bullshit, that was just way too cute and Ollie danced as usual, very slutty and at one point he made a little move on me. Haha.. if this was all about bonding before the menage a troi, Didn't really work out for me. I was a little quiet and gotten really sober. So we ended the night at 4.30am It was an okay night, not a blast but not bad at all.

I woke up quite late, i texted Ollie whether we could have dinner. I often go to the city and getting my cheap cigarettes at a chinese shop in chinatown and meet Ollie for a meal. He said, "Yes pleasee :)" We had dinner at an italian restaurant in the spanish quarter. The food wasn't great but the conversation and the company were great. Plus they had special outdoor area for smokers. We shared a lot. I told him that i felt a little objectified the other week after what i saw on Knut's blog. He said, There's nothing that i have to worry because He thinks that i'm cute. and other person think i'm cute as well. Maybe there's some part of me isn't very comfortable being regarded as cute but other people. Ah the whole lot confident issue all over again!! What is cute anyway? isn't beauty just a skin deep? I gave him a smile and asked him whether he actually thinks of me as a piece of meat? like he actually hangs out with me because i'm cute and a rare breed of an asian cub? He denied of couse, but maybe it's just some part of me that felt a little insecure that i'm seeing a super cute guy who likes me. I had a dream last night, We were in a restaurant and he had full attention of the servers because he's cute and all of them ignored me. It's most likely to happen in real life. Myabe i'm insecure. I don't know. Just need to build it up and prove that i'm more than a piece of meat and an investment.

I hope this week will get better.
Have a great week everyone!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Menage a trois, objectified

FML. I'm freaking out! So, I just had a chat with ollie earlier. he asked me to meet his new friend, then Ollie showed me the picture of his new friend. He's really cute, like totally my type, a hipster cuddly bearish guy with full beard and awesome haircut.. So i told him "He's my future husband!".

Ollie always has online friends from around the world, so i thought this guy must be from somewhere else. Ollie is an active blogger and the cute guy, let's call him Knut is one of his friends that he knew online recently. Ollie then asked me when i'm available so i can meet Knut, shit i thought, so he lives in sydney. Ollie didn't want to tell me Knut's blog link, so i did a little spying and stalking and found his blog. I was really shock when I saw this.

I died literally when i saw this post. I'm asian and I wear black thick rimmed glasses. 
So I told Ollie i found his blog and read this post. He said, "So, when you want me to introduce him?, We can have drinks together and we can have 3some" I told him i don't do threeways, it's kind of against my principle. but then again this seems to be like an offer that is hard to resist. Knut is really cute and I am their type.

But for some reason i feel a little objectified. oh what the heck, at least they think that i'm cute :)

I'm scared shitless and freaking out. What should i do??? I'm totally clueless. there's cold sweat running down my forehead right now.
Readers, please do give me more comments, help me!!!

This is getting even more and more interesting. I love my life.  I love my life. 

Monday, March 21, 2011

I'm a nice person.

"I'm a nice person!", that's what Ollie always tells everyone, including me. He is nice, but is he good? hmm.. that's another question. He's always very polite to everyone and it's no surprise that everyone loves him and wants to be his friend. But also in the other hand, he's quite arrogant, but then again at my age arrogance is something that we can get away with all the time. Especially when he has something that not everyone has, good looks, brain (graduated with first class honors at the age of 20), good jobs (investment banking), and 'nice' mannerism. So he has everything, and he has nothing to prove.

Last weekend, i'm just hanging out with my friend. She's a special friend, We have been for each other for months going through rough time, Ollie is also a friend of hers. After all the text messages that he sent to me, i was wondering, what was he doing? Is he playing games and trying to make me jealous, because clearly i don't give a fuck. I really like him, but it's up to him if he wants to fuck someone else, and I won't feel hurt. So yesterday, I had dinner with my friend first before we got together with Ollie.He didn't text me  but texted her instead. I told her the story about him sending me those messages and She said that he wouldn't do it if he doesn't have any strong feelings for me, and She also notice that He has this "loving" look towards me. Shit, i think i'm freaking out a little. It's not because he's in love with me but because I just don't wanna be in a position where i'm gonna get hurt at the end with his mind games.
So i just act cool  for now and distract myself from this. My friend also told me that Ollie must had been quite embarrassed to text me after the night before that's why he sent her messages instead.

We got together for chai latte after dinner. Me, my friend and Ollie. He just had a haircut and he's even cuter. We were just hanging out til quite late at night, talking about stuff. I kissed his forehead. and gave him a hug during. It was just a sweet gestures i did while we were watching movies. He told me it was sweet, but He would get freak out as well if he gets the wrong idea of what  was doing. I wanted to do it genuinely, out of my instinct, not to play games with him.  We called it a night around 2:30am, it was a great night, just tea, movie and great convos. I will miss her much because my friend will go back for good to her hometown in couple of months.

I hugged him while we were inside the lift, and I walked him home. I;'ve never been to his place though, after more than a month hanging out with him. he asked me couple of times but i always refused. I went there because i was busting to pee. So i had to go up to his apartment whom he shares with 2 other people. After i went to the bathroom, i approached him and I kissed him, but instead of he's kissing me back he was reluctant and he was kicking me out of his apartment slowly and showing me the door. It wasn't a nice gesture, but what the hell i thought, maybe He was just tired and not in the mood for being intimate. Well, I wanted to do was just to kiss him good night. I wasn't pissed or annoyed but It's just wasn't very nice of him to do that. I went back home with cab as it was raining hard that night.

As i got home, I went back studying, and he saw me online. I thought that he was already asleep, but he told me that he wanted to update his blog. then he told me this. "Im still nice" then i answered, "You are nice, what are you taking about?" "haha, despite me kicking you out of my home" "Oh yea, i'm upset now why did you do that. haha, kidding" "cuz i need to go to sleep" I said, i understand. Well, i would kick someone out too, so there's no surprise there. but I think this is the first time that he's not being nice to me. I wonder, he's doing that just to play games with me or he was just tired. haha i want that left unanswered and try to forget about it.

he told me to not fall in love with him, it's something that i have to respect. and i old him the same way too. Is he actually in denial that he loves me but doesn't want to hurt me and hurt himself. I don't think at this stage we would take ourselves further. I might have to keep distance with him though, just to be sane again.

The verdict is. Mr.Nice person isn't that nice after all, but that's fine. Nice is different that good. He's still a good person in front of me, at least he's not a damaged goods like guys that i was seeing in the past.

have a great week everyone. Happy Monday.

Friday, March 18, 2011

The Game

Seriously, is he playing games or what. oliver just texted me couple minutes ago. We're not meeting up today because on Fridays he's always out with some workmates afterwork and right here, right now i'm chained to my desk trying to write a researched paper which due on wednesday.

In his text, this is his exact words "I know you're not really the right person to tell. But at karaoke one of my workmate's is really hot. And i'm dying." when i read it, on the back of my mind was, WTF. I know that he's drunk, or else he wouldn't sent the text with clear head. I don't really care much actually, if he's seeing someone else beside me or sleeping with another person. Is he playing games with me and try to make me jealous?

I replied his text because if i didn't reply, I don't want him to actually think that i actually care because clearly, i'm not. In fact, i might be happy for him to actually get to know even more people in Sydney as he's just moved here last month. So i replied: "Haha, you should totally go for it!! Sounds like fun, I'm enjoying myself watching some doco for my paper. have fun Ollie! :) WL."

This is getting more and more interesting.
Have a nice weekend everyone.


Ps: He's clearly dunk, he texted me again last night after I wrote this.
-Ollie: "I tried to offer one of my colleague's a threesome. Wtf is wrong with me. Haha"
-Me: "You are insane! LOL"
-Ollie:"I know i'm really too drunk lol. wwtf"
-Me:"You should get laid, drunken fuck is awesome! Lol, have fun!! ;)"
-Ollie: "You're Mad."

Thursday, March 17, 2011

A little update, he loves me, he loves me not/i don't know if i love him or not

I haven't posted anything for almost 2 weeks now, I've been so busy lately to the point that i haven't got any time to update this blog. There's a lot of things happening these past weeks. Me and Oliver are going very well. He's a guy that i met exactly a month ago. I wrote the full story couple weeks ago, and things are going very well for us. We're not dating but we enjoy each others company, it seems to good to be true. 

Back to being busy, I'm back at school. It's great, a chance to improve my grades and prove that i'm not the stupidest guy at one of the best uni in Australia. I learned a lot from being failed so many times, have i learned the lesson? Yes. Do i want to be successful someday? Yes. At least I know now that my future is still very bright. I enjoy my role as a uni student now. the campus used to be a very intimidating place for me. I was obese, straight out of school, didn't know a thing or two about being independent and stuck in the ground where everyone was competing against each other. Being 3000 miles from home, and  I was lonely, I didn't know how to smile and make new friends. That was 3 years ago. Today, I walked around campus with my head held high and with such great confidence. It takes 3 years for me to feel fully comfortable being there, and realize one thing. That the campus is the best place to see man eye-candies. They're all very cute (even the professors and lecturers), young mostly around my age or older, and smart. So i've been perving a lot lately, I log on Grindr or Scruff occasionally, but not much luck there. We'll see later. One of my fantasies are to hook up with someone from the campus. I hope i fulfilled that in the future, that will be a very interesting story to tell. I lost almost 10kgs over the summer. maybe that's why i regained back much of my confidence that i lost since I moved here for the first time. I am very comfortable  with my own skin now. I have less baggage, and smile even more. I just need to keep this up all the time. The energy, the fire inside of me, till i graduate, make a good career, till the day i settle down with good purpose. hence, life is very good and exciting for me at the moment. I'm having the time of my life. being young, and 21 is a once in a lifetime experience. and now, I'm enjoying every single second of it. 2011 has been very good for me so far. A little heartbreak then, full of excitement now.

Back to Oliver, we made progress, i squeezed him into my busy schedule every weekend and we're seeing each other quite a lot within a month, does it mean i'm dating him now. I have no idea. He slept over after my dinner party 2 weeks ago, It was the first time i invited someone over to my my own bed at my house. I am very selfish most f the time, I don't let people sleep on my bed. I kicked Mr.Big out one time out of my bed, only because he snores. But Oliver doesn't snore, and he's very huggable even though he's quite skinny. So cuddling, sleeping and making love with him is a bliss every single time. I could not say he's the best fuck but he's definitely the most comfortable one. I have someone who shares the same amount passion of intimacy, great sex, great conversation and great music, so I can't complain and I'm happy. We make love most of the time with music from Foals, The XX, washed out, fink, Baths, Beach House, and James Blake. perfect playlist. We listen to similar kind of music, so extra points for that. I get him and he gets me. 

Last Sunday, He came over to my house to chill and watch this multimedia project by a swedish artist called "iamamiwhoami", He was the one who initiated it, so i invited him for a lazy sunday at my house. It was a great day. I cooked him lunch and we made love after watching it and collapsed after both of us came. We cuddled and took a very relaxing nap. I slept like a baby. It felt really-really comfortable. I think i've never felt this comfortable before with guys that i slept with. He was the first on so many things, He was the first guy that i ever spent the whole 3 days weekend with, The first guy i took on a date on valentine's day, The first guy that i ever invited without shame to my house, and had a sleepover with on my bed, and the first guy who made me breakfast. 

Before we called it a day, and he was ready to leave, I hugged him passionately, and He asked me something that has left me wondering me for days. "Do you love me?" he asked. "That's not even a question" I answered. he said, "Don't, alright. Don't fall in love with me", I replied back, "We have an agreement to respect, remember?" He didn't say anything. I asked myself, Do i actually love him? Or Does he love me? It's a difficult question to answer. Love is a guessing game, people say. 

My friends who have already met him told me that he's very much into me, I know he likes me and we like each other, but is it love? I have no idea. Does my feelings for him deep enough to actually say the four letter word. Of course, I can't deny myself to actually say things that i don't mean. or maybe i'm just in a state of denial and he is too, as my best friend told me.So when is the right time to be honest to each other? I'm not sure if the time would come soon, but I know it will, someday.

Both of us has problems with commitment. he said he doesn't "date" people and gets freaked out every single time someone confessed their true feelings for him. he's a very lovable guy, it's easy to fall in love with him but to date, I still haven't got the "heart beats faster, butterfly in the stomach" kind of sign. all I've got so far is comfort. I know he adores me, and I adore him back. Will our mutual infatuation grow into something more substantial like love? or is it too early to tell as we've been seeing each other only for a month. 

The actual cake that i gave him,
he posted it on facebook
I began to wonder even more, last week i made some out of the line gestures from our so called agreement. I know that he hates "affections" but my instinct told me to buy him a small cake. He got a little freaked out, and i was half-regretting it but It wasn't from my rational side of me to do it. Did he actually fell for me because made some gestures or he was just lonely? In reality, he's a very cute guy that every man and women could have and he's playing for both teams. but why does he like to "hang out" with me? Is it because i'm the only one who's around or he actually does like me genuinely so he's fallen for me. I actually do not feel jealous or hurt if he's seeing anyone beside me. We're both still very young and need to have fun and settling down is not on our lists. The fact that he lives 15 meters away from a popular city sauna doesn't make me feel insecure at all. Weird eh, usually i'm quite sensitive about these kind of thing.

Just tonight, He wrote something on his blog, it wasn't as ambiguous as usual but he did made some direct reference about what i just wrote above. He wrote something about his feelings about "falling" in love. Now i get a little freak out If he actually love me. We have an agreement, Not to fall in love with each other. Some people that i know told me that both of us are playing games, and this is an classic case example of "playing games".  I just don't want to lose him, as a friend. I'm happy where we are now, I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to get hurt again. Is pursuing it to the next stage seems to be a good idea? Is it worth it, taking the risks?

So readers, tell me what you think. please give me some insights. :)


Friday, March 4, 2011


My heart is mine to keep. Now i know how what does it feel to be brokenhearted. Not a good feeling, but definitely a great experience for me. Me and Oliver has been seeing each other for almost 3 weeks now. Everything is going pretty well for us. He's just a friend who i share intimate moment with, and nothing more at the moment. I like our arrangement. Maybe he started it, to set the boundaries between us, and hopefully, we won't cross it, and I agree. I was flattered by his gesture, making pancakes for me in the morning of our sleepover. It takes couple of days to actually realize that it was an incredible feeling, and I actually really like him. But I know that I might not go anywhere, He's too cute to be attached and choose not to be involved with anyone for something serious, and me in the other hand, not ready for anything. Ironic, but that's the way it is. I'm not desperate to have a boyfriend. It cost too much, to actually give anyone my heart. I almost gave someone mine, and It hurt quite badly, but I was lucky enough to be able to recover quickly.

J, a.k.a Mr.Big was back in town after a week in Thailand. Before he went there, he called me. It was a surprise, I didn't expect his call. He told me that he was gonna go there for a week, praying at the temple of rabbit for his birthday with his new boyfriend. He said, take care, and he wanted to meet up with me. He asked me how am i doing with my guy, He sounded quite upset when i told him that I'm seeing someone. I wonder does he actually still have feelings for me? For sure, I forgave him for leading me on, but I don't have any feelings for him anymore. He's still a nice guy, and I know sometimes hurting is not an option. It just happened. I hurt some people in the past, and Maybe I got my karma now. We had a chat on msn couple days ago, and He didn't really respond much or tell much about his short trip in Thailand. Not that i want to know the details but at least I was making an effort to keep a good relation with him. not necessarily being friends.

Back to Oliver, he writes a blog, and he always posts something every night before he goes to bed. His posts is always interesting, and very ambiguous. There are some postings that i can relate to, and I figure it's actually about our time together, but most of the time it's just about nonsense. He told me it doesn't really mean anything and He is one big of an attention whore. so I shouldn't really analyze it then, but it's interesting to actually know what's inside his mind. Very complex. NO I don't want to get involved. too scared. I don't want to fall for him.

My best friend told me that he has this loving glance from the way he looks at me. She also told me that he likes me and into me. Well, i kinda know that for sure, but how far does he like me? I don't think i should know, I will realize it naturally anyway.

Heart is a funny thing, It's an actuall thing, but most importantly it's a concept. To give, to share. It's fragile and easily broken. For now, i just want to protect mine, and keep mine. I know that i have to take care of myself first, and love myself more before I love another.