Thursday, March 17, 2011

A little update, he loves me, he loves me not/i don't know if i love him or not

I haven't posted anything for almost 2 weeks now, I've been so busy lately to the point that i haven't got any time to update this blog. There's a lot of things happening these past weeks. Me and Oliver are going very well. He's a guy that i met exactly a month ago. I wrote the full story couple weeks ago, and things are going very well for us. We're not dating but we enjoy each others company, it seems to good to be true. 

Back to being busy, I'm back at school. It's great, a chance to improve my grades and prove that i'm not the stupidest guy at one of the best uni in Australia. I learned a lot from being failed so many times, have i learned the lesson? Yes. Do i want to be successful someday? Yes. At least I know now that my future is still very bright. I enjoy my role as a uni student now. the campus used to be a very intimidating place for me. I was obese, straight out of school, didn't know a thing or two about being independent and stuck in the ground where everyone was competing against each other. Being 3000 miles from home, and  I was lonely, I didn't know how to smile and make new friends. That was 3 years ago. Today, I walked around campus with my head held high and with such great confidence. It takes 3 years for me to feel fully comfortable being there, and realize one thing. That the campus is the best place to see man eye-candies. They're all very cute (even the professors and lecturers), young mostly around my age or older, and smart. So i've been perving a lot lately, I log on Grindr or Scruff occasionally, but not much luck there. We'll see later. One of my fantasies are to hook up with someone from the campus. I hope i fulfilled that in the future, that will be a very interesting story to tell. I lost almost 10kgs over the summer. maybe that's why i regained back much of my confidence that i lost since I moved here for the first time. I am very comfortable  with my own skin now. I have less baggage, and smile even more. I just need to keep this up all the time. The energy, the fire inside of me, till i graduate, make a good career, till the day i settle down with good purpose. hence, life is very good and exciting for me at the moment. I'm having the time of my life. being young, and 21 is a once in a lifetime experience. and now, I'm enjoying every single second of it. 2011 has been very good for me so far. A little heartbreak then, full of excitement now.

Back to Oliver, we made progress, i squeezed him into my busy schedule every weekend and we're seeing each other quite a lot within a month, does it mean i'm dating him now. I have no idea. He slept over after my dinner party 2 weeks ago, It was the first time i invited someone over to my my own bed at my house. I am very selfish most f the time, I don't let people sleep on my bed. I kicked Mr.Big out one time out of my bed, only because he snores. But Oliver doesn't snore, and he's very huggable even though he's quite skinny. So cuddling, sleeping and making love with him is a bliss every single time. I could not say he's the best fuck but he's definitely the most comfortable one. I have someone who shares the same amount passion of intimacy, great sex, great conversation and great music, so I can't complain and I'm happy. We make love most of the time with music from Foals, The XX, washed out, fink, Baths, Beach House, and James Blake. perfect playlist. We listen to similar kind of music, so extra points for that. I get him and he gets me. 

Last Sunday, He came over to my house to chill and watch this multimedia project by a swedish artist called "iamamiwhoami", He was the one who initiated it, so i invited him for a lazy sunday at my house. It was a great day. I cooked him lunch and we made love after watching it and collapsed after both of us came. We cuddled and took a very relaxing nap. I slept like a baby. It felt really-really comfortable. I think i've never felt this comfortable before with guys that i slept with. He was the first on so many things, He was the first guy that i ever spent the whole 3 days weekend with, The first guy i took on a date on valentine's day, The first guy that i ever invited without shame to my house, and had a sleepover with on my bed, and the first guy who made me breakfast. 

Before we called it a day, and he was ready to leave, I hugged him passionately, and He asked me something that has left me wondering me for days. "Do you love me?" he asked. "That's not even a question" I answered. he said, "Don't, alright. Don't fall in love with me", I replied back, "We have an agreement to respect, remember?" He didn't say anything. I asked myself, Do i actually love him? Or Does he love me? It's a difficult question to answer. Love is a guessing game, people say. 

My friends who have already met him told me that he's very much into me, I know he likes me and we like each other, but is it love? I have no idea. Does my feelings for him deep enough to actually say the four letter word. Of course, I can't deny myself to actually say things that i don't mean. or maybe i'm just in a state of denial and he is too, as my best friend told me.So when is the right time to be honest to each other? I'm not sure if the time would come soon, but I know it will, someday.

Both of us has problems with commitment. he said he doesn't "date" people and gets freaked out every single time someone confessed their true feelings for him. he's a very lovable guy, it's easy to fall in love with him but to date, I still haven't got the "heart beats faster, butterfly in the stomach" kind of sign. all I've got so far is comfort. I know he adores me, and I adore him back. Will our mutual infatuation grow into something more substantial like love? or is it too early to tell as we've been seeing each other only for a month. 

The actual cake that i gave him,
he posted it on facebook
I began to wonder even more, last week i made some out of the line gestures from our so called agreement. I know that he hates "affections" but my instinct told me to buy him a small cake. He got a little freaked out, and i was half-regretting it but It wasn't from my rational side of me to do it. Did he actually fell for me because made some gestures or he was just lonely? In reality, he's a very cute guy that every man and women could have and he's playing for both teams. but why does he like to "hang out" with me? Is it because i'm the only one who's around or he actually does like me genuinely so he's fallen for me. I actually do not feel jealous or hurt if he's seeing anyone beside me. We're both still very young and need to have fun and settling down is not on our lists. The fact that he lives 15 meters away from a popular city sauna doesn't make me feel insecure at all. Weird eh, usually i'm quite sensitive about these kind of thing.

Just tonight, He wrote something on his blog, it wasn't as ambiguous as usual but he did made some direct reference about what i just wrote above. He wrote something about his feelings about "falling" in love. Now i get a little freak out If he actually love me. We have an agreement, Not to fall in love with each other. Some people that i know told me that both of us are playing games, and this is an classic case example of "playing games".  I just don't want to lose him, as a friend. I'm happy where we are now, I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to get hurt again. Is pursuing it to the next stage seems to be a good idea? Is it worth it, taking the risks?

So readers, tell me what you think. please give me some insights. :)



At March 17, 2011 at 10:33 AM , Blogger Cassius Forrest said...

william, I am all about dateing ATM, not a relationship, but dateing, this way you get close to guys, but spread over time, nothing intense to quick, 2 nights a week max and the rest of the time, you date others, or hang with your friends, thats how you build things slowly. ITs not cheating, its dating. Its only cheating after you have said we are in a relationship.


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