Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Too young to love?

*This was written last week when i was still moving on.

The weather has been very unpredictable in these past few days, Very hot one day and dropped 20 degrees the next day. It's sort of a reflection of my emotional being. It's been a trip from hell back and forth. It's almost a month since the who shenanigans happened, and I'm moving on quite far. I don't think about him as much, and my eyes were wide open. There are few things that bugged me though, I just had a thought, "Am i too young to love?".

Maybe i am, I have a of experience of meeting guys and share a lot of intimate moments with them but when it comes down to love, So far what i have endured was heartbreak. I learned it the hard way. I have to be honest, i was emotionally unavailable most of the time, but i've always been lonely. When a "nice" guy showed me things that reached way above my expectation, i fell for it and the momentum is just gone now forever, i think i'm closing up my heart again. I self reflect again, Did i open up my heart to the wrong person or what i felt was natural but it wasn't at the right time.

A very good friend told me, It's the time to to have fun and make mistake, experiment, and settle down later. He actually made a very good point. but there's some part of me is just lingering for more. I don't know if i'm actually a relationship type of guy, I've never been on an official one before. I don't know how to commit. When i was with J, a.k.a Mr.Big, I slept with someone else during the time i was seeing him. It wasn't a really good feeling afterward but I guess i want to see more guys, just out of my young and curious state of mind. But then again, I don't think i like the idea of my man sleeping with someone else, it makes me insecure. Maybe i'm just greedy and immature. I had a little preview of what is being in a relationship like, and To be honest being suffocated and wasting my youth seems to be a stupid move, but what if i actually give opportunity a miss? Does it make me immature?

But now, maybe i'm glad that i'm not wasting any of my time anymore, I guess if i actually be together with him means that I had to waste away my youth to look after someone who is as old as my dad. I don't think i'm ready for it, emotionally.

Now, i think i get the idea of  in order to love someone I have to love myself more. I've grown to love myself more and more each day and The ability to self love helped me heal rather quickly. I guess i know what i'm worth after all.

But i'm a sick of seeking for fuck buddies and hope that it'll turn into relationship or The idea of one night stand just a little off for me right now. I used to like the idea of it but not anymore i guess, not at the moment. It felt just empty, after emptying my scrotum. Maybe i'll get back into it but not at the moment. It's a little self destructive behavior and I'm just recovered from heartbreak.

I learned more about intimacy, and I think that's what I need right now, things might be or might not be serious but I guess a little intimacy is just what i need and i think i have to learn to open up my heart again, and avoid of getting heartbreak. I asked myself, is it worth it?, the heartbreak. Yes it was, I learned it the hard way So now i feel a little mature, but If i want another "faux relationship" and heartbreak later in this near moment? Hell no. I think i'd rather enjoying myself being single and seeing people out there and love myself more before I'm opening my heart to the wrong guy or at the right time, It's just simply because I'm too young to love.


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