These past few days it's all about self reflecting, i guess it's because of the heat my mind has been playing ticks at me. I'm still thinking about Mr.big, i can;t deny it but i have no urge to have contact with him, i guess it's my way of accepting the fact that i'm letting him go. A very good fried of mine kept reminding me that he's just not that into all this time for 7 months. It could be and i think about it over and over again, it might be the case. he was just way too polite and he was indecisive, so when he found someone new that he could love he dumped me. I know that he has a mind of a child, and he's very STUPID. That way i could move on even more faster.
Back to self reflecting, the day we ended it, he told me that i'm very assertive. and i agree with it, i thought of it as my trait, i am a very confident person most of the time, but maybe deep inside i have huge insecurities. So assertive is easily translated as cocky, and i feel that i'm quite full of myself sometimes. I can't help it, sometimes it makes me happy and reflecting back i think it's a positive side of me, maybe it's my happy-go-lucky attitude towards life that made me that way. I called my best friend from melbourne the other day and he told me that i sound very full of myself, despite what happened to me in these couple of weeks. I told him, oh well, I just got dumped so i think of something that makes me happy. I know that i'm not the cutest asian guy around or the one with perfect body but i know what i'm worth and that's important. I think Mr.Big can't really accept me the way i am as i'm the total opposite of him. He's insecure and i'm very secure he's old and i'm young as mr.SG said i'm still a baby. but then again I liked him the way he is, to the point i was considering accepting his baggages. opposite attracts, definitely but in this case, in term of personality, mine didn't attract him eventually.
It's hard to get over someone, but i know i can get over him one day, only time could tell and i'm looking forward to the day i can eat at Thai restaurant without thinking about him or his Thai island loverboy. and i know that day will come soon. I'm on a self imposed ban of thinking or doing or eating anything related to Thailand. Maybe i'm still angry, but one day i just have to face the reality. I watched sex and the city again and It's the episode where carrie just found out that his Mr.Big got engaged with Natasha, and i can totally relate to her anger and frustration. Why not me? Is she better than me? it's the same way i feel now.
This blog is the best way to put down all my thoughts and it's been a really good therapy. Why pay $99/hr where you can get the same outcome out of it. My shrink never tells me what to do, but she helped me a lot on digging things that i really hid in my closet. being anonymous has it's advantage, i can say whatever i want without people judging me.
I self reflect again, am i an idiot for falling for him, and does the trip, the whole journey and merry-go-round with him worth it? I can say that yes i am an idiot for love, i can say it because it's blind and now i know how it feels to get brokenhearted. and yes, it's all worth it. My life changed completely, and now i can see it at a different angle.