Heart

My heart is mine to keep. Now i know how what does it feel to be brokenhearted. Not a good feeling, but definitely a great experience for me. Me and Oliver has been seeing each other for almost 3 weeks now. Everything is going pretty well for us. He's just a friend who i share intimate moment with, and nothing more at the moment. I like our arrangement. Maybe he started it, to set the boundaries between us, and hopefully, we won't cross it, and I agree. I was flattered by his gesture, making pancakes for me in the morning of our sleepover. It takes couple of days to actually realize that it was an incredible feeling, and I actually really like him. But I know that I might not go anywhere, He's too cute to be attached and choose not to be involved with anyone for something serious, and me in the other hand, not ready for anything. Ironic, but that's the way it is. I'm not desperate to have a boyfriend. It cost too much, to actually give anyone my heart. I almost gave someone mine, and It hurt quite badly, but I was lucky enough to be able to recover quickly.

J, a.k.a Mr.Big was back in town after a week in Thailand. Before he went there, he called me. It was a surprise, I didn't expect his call. He told me that he was gonna go there for a week, praying at the temple of rabbit for his birthday with his new boyfriend. He said, take care, and he wanted to meet up with me. He asked me how am i doing with my guy, He sounded quite upset when i told him that I'm seeing someone. I wonder does he actually still have feelings for me? For sure, I forgave him for leading me on, but I don't have any feelings for him anymore. He's still a nice guy, and I know sometimes hurting is not an option. It just happened. I hurt some people in the past, and Maybe I got my karma now. We had a chat on msn couple days ago, and He didn't really respond much or tell much about his short trip in Thailand. Not that i want to know the details but at least I was making an effort to keep a good relation with him. not necessarily being friends.

Back to Oliver, he writes a blog, and he always posts something every night before he goes to bed. His posts is always interesting, and very ambiguous. There are some postings that i can relate to, and I figure it's actually about our time together, but most of the time it's just about nonsense. He told me it doesn't really mean anything and He is one big of an attention whore. so I shouldn't really analyze it then, but it's interesting to actually know what's inside his mind. Very complex. NO I don't want to get involved. too scared. I don't want to fall for him.

My best friend told me that he has this loving glance from the way he looks at me. She also told me that he likes me and into me. Well, i kinda know that for sure, but how far does he like me? I don't think i should know, I will realize it naturally anyway.

Heart is a funny thing, It's an actuall thing, but most importantly it's a concept. To give, to share. It's fragile and easily broken. For now, i just want to protect mine, and keep mine. I know that i have to take care of myself first, and love myself more before I love another.