Monday, May 16, 2011

Tonight let's be lover, tomorrow go back being friends

I love the way you hold me tight. the smell of your body, the way you smile at me. Yesterday you’re my friend. Today, tonight, let’s be lovers. Tomorrow, we go back being friends. It’s convenient. You are convenient. You are here, you're not going anywhere. I like you just the way you are. But you don’t like me as much now. You used to like me more than i like you. In fact, we were infatuated with one another. It was the most beautiful moment i've ever felt. We were lovers, then we were friends, then we were lovers again, and now we are just friends. 
why we won’t take the chances of us being together. I’m scared of getting hurt, but you are so assured that taking it isn’t worth it. I like you a lot, but i can’t be with you. You are so smart, and i can’t keep up with you. I know you very well, you are fragile inside behind your strong exterior. You need to be loved, but you can't love. You rely on me sometimes but I can't rely on you. I couldn't trust you just yet. 
You won’t take the chances because you just simply dont want it. you don’t want me anymore. It’s fine, at least i’ve got a friend in you, and it’s beautiful. friendship lasts longer than love, and i love you in sort of way. 
I’m confused, but if you told me and reassured me that we are gona be together, i would take it but then again i’ll get freaked out and quit or you would hurt me so bad then i wouldn’t think of you as the same again. I might hate you, so i’d rather accept the fact that we just won’t be together. 
You are physically attractive. you have a face of an angel. Why do i like you so much? It's not your angelic face that makes my heart beats faster for you.. You adored me once and it’s stopped. I adore you. The first time i met you i thought you are quite charming and i would be friends with you and not to sleep with you. But you made a move on me, you didn’t regret it but you now think twice to touch me. Why is so? Are you so afraid of things or you just don’t like me anymore? I like you just the way you are. We crossed the boundaries of just being friends, but we still have our limit. What’s my limit? being hurt it is. I can’t be with you for sure if i know that you’re going to hurt me bad. You wouldn’t be with me because you found me less appealing than your future conquest. Go and find another man, woman. I don't care. I want you to be happy with or without me. No it wouldn't hurt me, it's enough just to see you smile and look at me in the eye and assure me that you are happy with someone ele. 
You made it clear and I should respect it, there’s no point of me writing this and thinking about it, it’s all bullshit. I’m not going to wait til you change your mind, because i know you wont. You can fuck other people and see other people and that’s fine, it wouldn’t hurt me. I just wish that it would hurt yourself and come back to me in my arms. but that’s not possible, you have made your mind. I like you, but I respect your decision. I have to close up my heart for you and be back to just being friends. I’m not mad at you, just mad at myself why would i be in this situation. Why it can’t be just so easy? I don’t regret meeting you, you made my summer. You gave me the energy again, the spirit of youth that i missed. But talk realistically, let’s just be friends and never go back being lovers. It’s too much for me and I’m afraid i will love you deeply and there’s no turning back. 

Sunday, May 15, 2011

The drought is over

So i have to make a little confession, Yesterday night after i wrote the last post, i felt extremely horny, so i logged on to some hook up site and guess what, i got lucky. It's been a while for me to hook up with someone, and he lives not too far from my place. He's American, 40-ish, cute smallish guy. After exchanging numbers, I jumped into a cab after taking a shower, it was all very direct, no ping pong messages on the site and get the business done.
I wont go into details but at least i'm set for now for couple of weeks. It was okay, not too bad but not great either. He doesn't kiss but i was fine with that. We had a bit of a chat on the bed after doing it, for me the talk it's the most interesting part of hooking up. It really shows what kind of person truly opening up inside and out after an intimate moment together.

He's quite an interesting guy, works in healthcare here in sydney, has been here for more than a year He moved from new zealand before sydney. Lives alone with 2 cats. He was the child of hippies in San Francisco, extremely kind and polite. He told me about his last relationship with his ex that lasted 13 years, and they moved country together but his ex met someone else in NZ and he moved to Sydney got back together again and he got dumped again when the ex's new partner moved to sydney. It must be really hurtful for him but i can see that he's a fighter. I had a really nice time talking to him, we had a nice laughter, it's a good thing that neither of us are looking for relationship, he warned me before we hooked up and totally understand the rules. I think i'm experienced enough to not get myself hurt.

He send me a text just tonight saying that it was nice to see me yesterday. I hope to see him again and i wish to see him for coffee as friends with or without bedroom action, i think we can be buddies. :)

Saturday, May 14, 2011

The dream

Sorry for lack of updates, but nothing really interesting has been happening lately except of last night. The cuddling still continues but still no sex and i'm officially on the drought for more than 2 months now.

Yesterday night was my best friend's solo exhibition, everyone was there including Ollie. We are really good friends now and nothing more. I think he made it clear and i made it clear that we wont have sex anymore. We still value our friendship more than anything, so those had to stop. We see each other about twice a week and spend most of the weekends I stayed over at his place few times in the past few weeks and share the bed with him. Nothing happened, just simply plain old fashioned cuddling. Not that i want to have something more, but it was comfortable to te point it was getting too comfortable. I respect his space and I need my own too.

I stopped liking him and the desire to pursue him romantically died couple weeks ago, it was alright, i prefer long-lasting friendship rather than short-lived romance. We had one before and The sparks was gone after a few weeks. Last night after the exhibition, we were both really tired i was gonna go home, we shared a cab because his house was on the way. He invited me to spend the night and to watch 'A Single Man'. So we did, and When we both go to sleep we cuddled each other the whole night. I like cuddling him, he has the perfect body size as a body pillow, and he's not too bone-y, so it was comfortable. I got too comfortable i think. So i dream something really weird. An erotic dream. I haven't had erotic dream for so long. It was about me fucking him and i felt really real. I enjoyed it, but it felt too weird. and it ended abruptly when his alarm went off. Eurgh.

I felt weird all day and thinking about it, and i didn't tell him until i saw him again this afternoon for coffee. I decided to tell him because it might mean nothing or something, but I don't want to hold it so i told him about it and I said "Well you know, I won't do it with you anymore because you don't wanna kiss me anymore and i've lost interest in you". Well it was a gamble that i have to take to protect our friendship. I can't see myself being with him and hurt him or get myself heartbroken. dating him is convenient, but i think i don't wanna take that route. too easy to fall apart. I also respect him more as a person rather than someone that i can fuck easily. He's a friend and nothing more. A cuddle buddy maybe but no more than that.

Last night at the exhibition, He was sorta my plus one. Most of my friends thought that he's my boyfriend but he's not. He's a perfect arm candy to bring for an event. :) Hahaha. I kept everyone guessing but I told everyone that he's not my boyfriend and told some of my close friends that i used to sleep with him couple of times but nothing really happen romantically. One friend told me that Me and Ollie are just too young and too hot to have a relationship. Maybe it's true, too young to love. lol.

I just need to forget about a dream and get myself laid, but i think i should be really proud of myself if i don't sleep with anyone until i found the right guy to do it. Will i last that long? I should challenge myself for it.

Have a great weekend everyone.