Monday, February 28, 2011

Pancakes For breakfast

I hosted a Dinner party last weekend, It also marked my last holiday weekend. The holiday was just way too long, and a lot of things happened during 4 months. I got my heart broken, lost weight and gain back my confident. I invited couple of my closest friends to my house for a dinner party, i cooked and prepared everything. it was a blast. That was the first time i actually hosted a dinner party and everyone had a great time and stayed till almost 3am in the morning from 7pm. I was flattered, and Things were special because Oliver was there too. It's our 3rd week since the first time we met each other.

I asked him to stay over for the night, I miss kissing and cuddling him. It felt so comfortable and blissful. I had never really asked anyone to stay over before. but I know there's always a first of something new. I just hope that my cousins won't be suspicious as they don't really know that i fancy guys. Haha but i took the risks, and it was worth it. We cuddled throughout the night and made love. It felt so good, when someone is next to me. The best thing about him is that he doesn't snore, so both of us slept like a baby and we fulfilled our physical and emotional needs that night. He had this thing where he like to "do" me when i'm fully asleep. and I think it's rather sexy. Hmm.. that's kinda the first time someone did that to me.

When we woke up, he told me that he wanted to make breakfast, pancakes to be precise. I had never have anyone made breakfast for me before. He put on music as he started cooking. it's "Blueberry Pancakes" by Fink and it actually fits the moment
 "I really miss your blueberry pancakes, Sunday morning cooking em up wearing my t-shirt, I'm lifting it up. Sitting at the table where it all began for us.." 

I was really happy for the moment, he has this most incredible smile when he made me the pancake. I felt like i just wanted to cherish that moment forever. 

Of course the al the good moments  has to come at an end, The holiday ends and The dinner party, the sleepover, and the breakfast was just the perfect way to end my summer. and I'm ready to start again.


Friday, February 25, 2011


Last week, I was over the moon. having spent the most incredible weekend with a new friend who share the same passion of good music and good sex, My confident boost up again. I realized that i'm still very young and I've got really nothing to lose, and I've moved on completely from the whole shenanigans.

The day after Valentine's day, I was running down to the city to get my cheap cigarettes and meeting my best friend. On the bus, I saw a familiar looking car running down William st, it was Mr.Big's car. It wasn't his usual road. Some part of me wanted to call him and tell him that I've moved on and I met someone new. but I decided not to, I have no feelings for him anymore, and I believe that keeping distance is a wise decision for us right now. His heart is in Thailand now, where Chang, his Thai island loverboy is waiting for him. I just hope that they will be happy, I forgave him weeks ago. When i saw his car, It reminded me again that I couldn't avoid him. We live in the part of the town. We actually ran into each other several times unexpectedly.

After i ran my errands, I met my best friend with her friend at a Japanese sushi bar, It was great. I haven't seen her friend for quite a while. She noticed that I looked great and I was glowing. I told her that I lost a bit of weight because of Heartbreak. She understood, she had been through hard time as well, She just broke up with her boyfriend. But we were sharing some stories and reminding each other that moving on is the greatest thing ever. Suddenly, out of the blue I had a phone call. It was from Mr.Big, My instinct told me to pick up so i did. "Hey, how's it going" I answered with confidence. "hey you.."He said. "What's up?" me,just trying to keep it cool. "Someone saw you with a blond twinky guy last weekend" he said. On the back of my mind, Shit. but I'm flattered. I began to wonder, This is getting more and more interesting. i corrected him, "Red hair maybe, but not blond" I asked him how did he know about this? "Oh my friend Peter saw you the other day with a guy and He told me". Grrr.... on the back of my mind. I hate his friend peter, He was the insensitive Chinese guy who bluntly called me that I'm Mr.Big's sugar son because I'm quite privileged. Me and Mr.Big had a big argument before Christmas because of this. Back to the conversation so i told him "Oh Peter, the guy who called me sugar son, isn't he?" "haha, You won't forget about that won't you?, So who's this guy?" he was very curious about Oliver, because he's not what Mr.Big's had in mind of a guy that i'm gonna see next after him, and They're completely total opposite. So I just told him "Oh yea, I'm seeing him now" He sounded a little jealous and the situation is getting awkward. "So what's his name?" Mr.Big asked. "You don't really have to know, Hey this is a little uncomfortable, can I just call you back and explain later, thanks." I hung up. Haha I had never felt better, dropping a bomb to someone who broke my heart. My confident boost up even more, and on top of that My friend kept telling me how good i was after i lost couple of kilos. It was a really good compliment.

My sister called me that day, She told me that her partner saw with with a guy and wondering who might that be. My sister knows about me liking guys. I came out to her a month ago, and She has been very supportive. I was even over the moon, it was like I were on Gossip girl and someone spotted me with Oliver around town, even though we've only known each other for days. paparazzi moment. It felt a little scary, how small the city is. What are the odds of 2 different people saw me on the street with Oliver around town. It freaked me out, but at least i got the attention that i needed to build back my confidence and I never felt better. This year is going to be great for me. I feel that this time around, This is my Rebirth.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Valentine's Day

I never really celebrated valentine's day. For me, valentine's day just another day after another. Never really get the whole idea of it, fair enough there's a day for someone to celebrate the day with full on affection but not me. Although the idea of getting and giving chocolates to another single friends are the only thing that i associate myself to Valentine's day. This year is a little different, I usually forgot about valentine's day or didn't really care much about it but I had dinner plans with Oliver on Monday night, and It just happened on Valentine's day. We agreed on one thing, just being friends and that's the basic ground rule, He has problems with commitment, and I'm not ready to actually have another relationship or another drama in my life as it isn't my priority for me, Finding Love. We both adore each other, and like each other but Is taking our what so-called friendship to another level is worth taking the trip, not so sure about it. It's too early to tell.

The day before, We spent enough time together until we were both a little bored of each other, and I actually felt it. We spent the whole weekend and my body was exhausted from all the physical activities that we did for the whole 3 days. I accompanied him shopping, he started work on Valentine's day. We teased each other about the thing that turns us on the most. He doesn't really care about whether it's a girl or a guy but he always have a soft spot for a bigger asian guy like me. He told me, on the bed that his all time idol is Masi Oka from heroes, the tv series. He's a smart guy and very talented. Another idol/crush is Shindong, a cute and chubby Korean superstar. I told him about my all time crush, it's George Clooney, Anderson Cooper and Dr.Andrew Rochford. They're all has gray/salt and pepper hair. I have soft spot for them. He told me that he would dye his hair gray because he thinks that it's cool. I'm ecstatic :). I told him that I'm a big asian guy and when he's gonna dye his hair gray, that means we could fulfill each others fantasy.  Sound like a pretty good deal for both of us, and He just smiled. We were out and about the city from the morning till late afternoon. He told me that he needed his space after days i spent with him and I agreed. Before we parted, I asked him whether it was alright to give him chocolate on Valentine's day, and he said he loves chocolate. but I made sure that it was my way to say thank you for the incredible weekend, not expressing my feelings. We parted ways after and rest. It was really exhausting day for both of us, and He needed his full energy for his first day.

On Valentine's day, I texted him. I wanted to give him a chocolate and have dinner with him. He wanted pizza so i took him to my favorite place at kings cross. It was kinda romantic, alfresco, and good ambiance. We talked about relationship and sex most of the time. He loved the chocolate that i gave him, he told me that he would open them in about a week or two, just to get hold on the feelings. I was smiling, at least he loved the chocolate, as my way to say thank you. I know if i actually surprised him with the chocolate, I would had freaked him out. that was why i gave him a warning.
The dinner was sorta getting know him better and getting to know what he wants from me and vice versa. He doesn't want any relationship and he doesn't date people, so I guess i have to respect that. I only play safe this time, The thing that happened with the guy that I was seeing, Mr.Big was still a little traumatic for me. and I realized that both of us are still young and We couldn't be tied down to one and another. It's an arrangement, and I wanted him to be my friend. He's a good guy, and I'm definitely wouldn't be embarrassed to introduce him to everyone to my friends. I like our arrangement for now, and maybe it will stay that way, never know what's going to happen, but I don't want dramas, and being in love is not my priority now. I have to love myself first before i start to fall for somebody. that's a golden rule. He also told me that He might be heartless but he still has his soul. He loves intimacy but he hates affection. oh well, Now i know what's he is like now. I like him more, it seems like our arrangement is perfect.

I gave him a big hug when we parted on the train, We looked into each others eye deeply, and some part of me wanted to hug him a little longer but I only have 3 seconds to got out of the train. I know that I'm gonna see him again sometime that week and He's not going anywhere for sure.

I went to the city after dinner, I surprised my best friend to deliver a valentine's day chocolate to her. I think she's my true Valentine. I love her since the first day i met her and our love even though it's only platonic but I think it's real. She was in shock, because someone knocked at her door at 11pm at night and she thought that she wouldn't get any chocolate as he partner is overseas. I gave her her chocolate and gave her a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.

That was my valentine's day this year. at least i know that i'm single and happy, and my friends are my true love.


Monday, February 21, 2011

Saturday Wait, Sunday always comes too late.

Saturday afternoon, I took Oliver to my favorite Thai restaurant it's just a walking distance from his Hotel. We were both starving. We did it twice, at night and the afternoon. It was really nice. I missed the feeling of spending that much time together with a person. It all seemed to be very special for both of us. We talked a lot about a lot of things, and finding the similarities and differences between us. We dig deeper, and we discover about each other even more. I grew to like him more because simply he's a really nice person and He's very bright. I think he's the most intelligent guy that I've ever been on a date with. We listen to similar kind of music, and we have a pretty solid idea of what we want. He showed me the whole different perspective of being friends with benefit. It's the full package, the intimacy, not just fuck and go, something that i always used to do not long ago. I got very tired of it.

He told me that he's not a relationship type of guy, he gets freaked out whenever someone is in love with him and show him how he or she truly feels towards him. I'm not surprised, I think it's easy to actually fall in love with him. He's an incredible guy and truly one of a kind. He has the face of an angel, the brain of a super computer, and the charm of a handsome prince. He has got his heart broken once over a guy that he fooled around with and I think it's truly a traumatic experience for him too, He closed his heart some years ago. He doesn't want to date anyone or in a relationship with everyone. Fear of commitment, that's what he said.

What he said, was all coming back to me. What do i want? what am i looking for? I asked myself couple months ago and i was clueless. I was in a sort of relationship with a guy and it was all very new to me. He didn't reply back my feelings and I got my heartbroken. I was blind, that's for sure. I haven't got to straight up my priorities and blinded with some stupid feelings. I was heartless, and soulless and I changed overnight to become a young thing who is eager to take the risk. I didn't regret it all, but just wondering was it all worth it. I wasn't doing very well at school because of my anxiety and depression. It shouldn't be an excuse to get away from my priorities. I want the old me back, the driven full of ambition me who is full of dreams and ability to realize it all. I want it all, I think if love is something that i have to sacrifice, I think it's all gonna be worth it. True love waits that's what everyone said. I was clueless and now I'm sure that Love is not for me at the moment. I should focus on reaching my goals. and He reminded me of it, it took another person to open up my eye. I saw things but I didn't open my eyes.

After lunch we parted ways, It was an incredible 21 hours. I like the feelings, it was lingering, and natural. I was myself, and I didn't pretend to be somebody that i wasn't. We hugged and I went home.

At home, i started to think that was all of this real? I pinched myself and It was. It was real. I got excited, I have a new friend who share the same passion with. I know that we can't be together, that's for sure but another that i know that he's not going anywhere. He will be around, and I think whatever happens between us I always want him to be my friend. I was tired, but i wanted to see him again. So i took a little rest and asking him out again at night.

I made my way to the city and saw him again. We had a drink with my best friend at a rooftop bar. We were a little tired, but I decided to spend the night with him again. I like to hug his small frame body when i'm sleeping. I think it's the most comfortable position ever. I just love the feeling. It feels secure. We did it again before going to bed, It was more passionate than i remember the last time that morning.

I woke up in the morning, it was quite early. I put something on my facebook status, it clearly described how i felt "Hmm this is nice, and it's different than good. You are a nice person! :) I'm afraid the day would end fast, but this is just the beginning. Good morning!" He woke up next to me and smiling, he gave me a little kiss. I was in a state of bliss, it doesn't get any better than this. 

*to be continued

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Friday, 21 hours.

I had the most incredible weekend last week and i'm trying to gather everything and write it down, and It all started on Friday last week (11/2).

So on that day, I woke up very late, I watched some documentaries online until early in the morning. I just want to spent the last weeks of my holidays procrastinating, something that will be rare when the semester starts again in 2 weeks. So I logged on to one of the hookup sites,I saw a new message it was from a guy that i wink for fun because he saw my profile the day before. After couple of messages and exchanging phone numbers we agreed to meet at a cafe in the middle of the city in an hour. We met in the evening around 6pm. I waited for him for a bit, and suddenly this guy came and approach me, we shook hands and start to interview each other in the first 10 minutes, Let's just say his name is Oliver. He has skinny frame, and white pale skin. It's so different from the guys that i usually go on a date. 

He told me that he was working in Beijing, new to Sydney and looking for friends, he's 20 years old a year younger than me, so i thought hmm there's no harm of making new friends. So i met him in the city, He has dyed red hair and it's kinda cool i think. We ordered the same type of coffee, flat white and He told me that he's from New Zealand and he's in Sydney for work at an Investment bank, so I'm quite impressed, i'm a year older than him and while he's already working and i'm still studying. He's a nice guy and funny, smart and incredibly cute. but I didn't know for some reason he didn't give me this vibe "sleep with me" so i thought he's just interested in making new friends as he doesn't really know that many people here. He has a good sense of humor and i started to like him as a friend. My best friend called me while i was with him and asked where am i, so I told her to come, I wanted to introduce him to her, as I was so sure that this is a non-date and It would stay that way. My best friend came and the three of us got along very well surprisingly, and She left us after a while and we wanted to continue the night and start drinking. So i took him to my favorite places in the city. We shared a lot drinks by drinks, He told me that he fancy both men and women, and before he moved to Sydney he dated a girl. He also told me that he hates labels but he's very comfortable with himself. We talked like a friend and there was no single flirtation moves from me or him, but i did really enjoy the night. It was hot humid summer night, and I was sweating a lot, and I love it. I didn't care about my appearance in front of him. I also shared a lot to him like the story how got circumcised and he told me about his bad skin in high school.

As the night getting late, I wanted to call it a night as i got pretty tired from barhopping, but I missed my bus and he suggested to get to his hotel (He was staying at a hotel, company paid) and hang out. I agreed, and thought i might stay till the first available transport at 4am, as i hate sleeping over. As we walked to his hotel, I sweated even more, but I still didn't have a vibe that i was going to sleep with him, it was all very friendly, and I couldn't interpret his charm, his kind smile. was it friendly or inviting? i was clueless. Once we got into the room, he grabbed me a towel and wiping out my sweat, it was kinda sweet. he suggested me to take a shower, "Hey, you should take a shower if you're gonna sleep on the bed"So i did take a shower because it was so hot and i was sweating. After taking a shower, i got dressed and jumped into the bed, i was kinda tired. We talked more, and this time it's a little flirty, but i think there was nothing wrong with it, and I still didn't get the sexual vibe. I told him about the first boy that I've ever kissed and he kinda reminded me of him. I told him that we had never done anything, and the second time we kissed it was like kissing a brother, and I felt nothing. He then told me "If i kiss you then it doesn't mean anything then" He gave me the look and grin, So i asked him back "Do you wanna kiss me?" We kissed, He told me this "Whatever happened, I want us to become friends, I don't want you to leave in the morning and don't call me back" I nodded, and we kissed again and we were making out the whole night. We fooled around, and it was different. He has this energy, something different from the usual guys that i had seen. Everything felt so comfortable, so natural. He has the moves, and he is a really good kisser. He blew me away that night. We collapsed and we cuddled throughout the night. We woke up late in the afternoon, and We fooled around again in the morning. It felt so good, waking up with someone hugging me from behind. We were on the bed and doing nothing. I felt so relaxed, that was the way i always wanted to spend my weekend with someone special. 

We had a very late lunch around 3pm, and I realized something. I had spent 21 hours with him together, and it felt like just an hour ago i first met him.  

to be continued...

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Thai restaurant

I told my best friend that the day i moved on from him is the day I have the courage and the will to go to a Thai restaurant, It sound a little stupid but I put some kind of sentiment towards anything Thai because I was dumped for a Thai guy. But on Monday something incredible happened. I woke up and I felt like all the feelings about heartbreak were just gone. I let him go completely, and I forgive him. I guess it took me couple of weeks, countless of hours of friends support and German soap opera to realize that There is someone much better than him out there for me.

For almost a month, i might forgot about what he did, but i hadn't forgiven him and let him go. I think that was the key. So I forgive him, and I guess It's a pretty liberating feeling.

On Monday, I passed down a Thai restaurant. I quickly called my friend and told her that I'm ready to have dinner there and She seemed happy because she knew that I moved on. So all is well now, and I'm happy and smiling for the first time in weeks, and This time it's genuine.

Too young to love?

*This was written last week when i was still moving on.

The weather has been very unpredictable in these past few days, Very hot one day and dropped 20 degrees the next day. It's sort of a reflection of my emotional being. It's been a trip from hell back and forth. It's almost a month since the who shenanigans happened, and I'm moving on quite far. I don't think about him as much, and my eyes were wide open. There are few things that bugged me though, I just had a thought, "Am i too young to love?".

Maybe i am, I have a of experience of meeting guys and share a lot of intimate moments with them but when it comes down to love, So far what i have endured was heartbreak. I learned it the hard way. I have to be honest, i was emotionally unavailable most of the time, but i've always been lonely. When a "nice" guy showed me things that reached way above my expectation, i fell for it and the momentum is just gone now forever, i think i'm closing up my heart again. I self reflect again, Did i open up my heart to the wrong person or what i felt was natural but it wasn't at the right time.

A very good friend told me, It's the time to to have fun and make mistake, experiment, and settle down later. He actually made a very good point. but there's some part of me is just lingering for more. I don't know if i'm actually a relationship type of guy, I've never been on an official one before. I don't know how to commit. When i was with J, a.k.a Mr.Big, I slept with someone else during the time i was seeing him. It wasn't a really good feeling afterward but I guess i want to see more guys, just out of my young and curious state of mind. But then again, I don't think i like the idea of my man sleeping with someone else, it makes me insecure. Maybe i'm just greedy and immature. I had a little preview of what is being in a relationship like, and To be honest being suffocated and wasting my youth seems to be a stupid move, but what if i actually give opportunity a miss? Does it make me immature?

But now, maybe i'm glad that i'm not wasting any of my time anymore, I guess if i actually be together with him means that I had to waste away my youth to look after someone who is as old as my dad. I don't think i'm ready for it, emotionally.

Now, i think i get the idea of  in order to love someone I have to love myself more. I've grown to love myself more and more each day and The ability to self love helped me heal rather quickly. I guess i know what i'm worth after all.

But i'm a sick of seeking for fuck buddies and hope that it'll turn into relationship or The idea of one night stand just a little off for me right now. I used to like the idea of it but not anymore i guess, not at the moment. It felt just empty, after emptying my scrotum. Maybe i'll get back into it but not at the moment. It's a little self destructive behavior and I'm just recovered from heartbreak.

I learned more about intimacy, and I think that's what I need right now, things might be or might not be serious but I guess a little intimacy is just what i need and i think i have to learn to open up my heart again, and avoid of getting heartbreak. I asked myself, is it worth it?, the heartbreak. Yes it was, I learned it the hard way So now i feel a little mature, but If i want another "faux relationship" and heartbreak later in this near moment? Hell no. I think i'd rather enjoying myself being single and seeing people out there and love myself more before I'm opening my heart to the wrong guy or at the right time, It's just simply because I'm too young to love.

George Clooney

*This was written last week when i was still moving on.
These past weeks has been very good for me, I don't think of him as much. I began to wonder, it was the unanswered question of why did i actually attracted to my Mr.Big at the first place. hmm.. let's see. He's much older than me, 25 years to be exact. Italian, and he possess the quality of my man crush of all time, George Clooney! well, he doesn't look like George Clooney but he has the potential to look exactly like him if he's taller (can't change that unfortunately) and skinnier (that one he can!). He possess this charming good looks and mannerism. Oh my heart is smiling when i write this but what the hell. haha. So here's the lists of things that made me attracted to him in the first place:

Mature, check. Charming good looks, check. Irresistible smile, check. Slat and pepper hair, check. Ability to hold conversation, check. A foodie, check. Love wine, check. Creative industry background, check. Uses mac computer, check. Listen to pink floyd, check. Smoking Clove cigarettes, check. American Express Platinum, check. Lives in Eastern Suburbs, check.

But then again, all these things were very subjective, and i'm pretty sure there are a lot of guys in the world who possess most or all or above the qualities that I've written, and hopefully can return my feelings back. fingers crossed!

Friday, February 4, 2011


These past few days it's all about self reflecting, i guess it's because of the heat my mind has been playing ticks at me. I'm still thinking about Mr.big, i can;t deny it but i have no urge to have contact with him, i guess it's my way of accepting the fact that i'm letting him go. A very good fried of mine kept reminding me that he's just not that into all this time for 7 months. It could be and i think about it over and over again, it might be the case. he was just way too polite and he was indecisive, so when he found someone new that he could love he dumped me. I know that he has a mind of a child, and he's very STUPID. That way i could move on even more faster.

Back to self reflecting, the day we ended it, he told me that i'm very assertive. and i agree with it, i thought of it as my trait, i am a very confident person most of the time, but maybe deep inside i have huge insecurities. So assertive is easily translated as cocky, and i feel that i'm quite full of myself sometimes. I can't help it, sometimes it makes me happy and reflecting back i think it's a positive side of me, maybe it's my happy-go-lucky attitude towards life that made me that way. I called my best friend from melbourne the other day and he told me that i sound very full of myself, despite what happened to me in these couple of weeks. I told him, oh well, I just got dumped so i think of something that makes me happy. I know that i'm not the cutest asian guy around or the one with perfect body but i know what i'm worth and that's important. I think Mr.Big can't really accept me the way i am as i'm the total opposite of him. He's insecure and i'm very secure he's old and i'm young as mr.SG said i'm still a baby. but then again I liked him the way he is, to the point i was considering accepting his baggages. opposite attracts, definitely but in this case, in term of personality, mine didn't attract him eventually.

It's hard to get over someone, but i know i can get over him one day, only time could tell and i'm looking forward to the day i can eat at Thai restaurant without thinking about him or his Thai island loverboy. and i know that day will come soon. I'm on a self imposed ban of thinking or doing or eating anything related to Thailand. Maybe i'm still angry, but one day i just have to face the reality. I watched sex and the city again and It's the episode where carrie just found out that his Mr.Big got engaged with Natasha, and i can totally relate to her anger and frustration. Why not me? Is she better than me? it's the same way i feel now.

This blog is the best way to put down all my thoughts and it's been a really good therapy. Why pay $99/hr where you can get the same outcome out of it. My shrink never tells me what to do, but she helped me a lot on digging things that i really hid in my closet. being anonymous has it's advantage, i can say whatever i want without people judging me.

I self reflect again, am i an idiot for falling for him, and does the trip, the whole journey and merry-go-round with him worth it? I can say that yes i am an idiot for love, i can say it because it's blind and now i know how it feels to get brokenhearted. and yes, it's all worth it. My life changed completely, and now i can see it at a different angle.


Tuesday, February 1, 2011

How do you know it is love?

"How do you know it is love? The coffee just taste different" it's a quote from a B movie that i watched couple months ago on foxtel, It may sounds absurd but i tasted the coffee was different when i was in love.
and now it tastes like shit. Maybe it's the heat of the summer but seriously, i don't have passion for anything right now. Blogging seems to be the only interest right now, not even hooking up, my dick is limp for days.

The only highlight of the day so far was waking up this morning and still remember my dream. It was a good dream. In that dream, i killed someone Thai but i got away with it and got away with it because i got diplomatic immunity and an asylum to Sweden. that is pretty sweet, hmm i wonder who i killed in that dream, was it Chang? Mr.Big's Thai island loverboy? Must be. Since today I still avoid everything Thai, even though i love the food and the people, and the country but I'm still mad about his Thai island loverboy! I should be ready soon, i mean putting some sentiment towards Thai won't help me moving on.

Looking back to the past, How do i now it was love? The coffee was one of the indicators but I know for sure that my heart beat really2 fast when i thought about him and i felt the exquisite warmth in my body. The first time i had that feeling, i was really disgusted by myself instead of embrace and cherish it, maybe it was the fear of rejection, but A really good friend told me that falling in love in a beautiful thing, so from then on I embraced it with an open arm and accept myself.

I wonder how long does it take for me to get another guy who will love me.