Monday, April 25, 2011

Been Busy

Be back real soon

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Cuddle buddy

Another day, another week and i'm surviving. lack of enthusiasm and energy in the last couple of weeks. maybe i've used them all and i'm exhausted.

I haven't update for a while, there's nothing really interesting to talk about. my life has been dry lately, and love wise it's a little sucks. Today i have something to write, oh well emotion feelings, let pour it all out in here. Things have been quite difficult for me lately, at one point i think i was going mental. School, Family, Friends, Love. It's all been very overwhelming for me. I just need a fucking break. hell yea, and easter break is coming, at least i can have some much needed rest that will calm my mind down and strive for the best again.

Ollie and I are just friend now. I can say that he's a really good friend of mine now, nothing more than that. 2 weeks ago, we had quite big talk, but it was quite vague but i sort of get the idea that he wants nothing more than just being friends with me. That's alright i guess. I respect his decision. It was the point that i actually starting to open up my heart and realize that i actually really-really like him. We'e been hanging out for almost everyday during the week and maybe that's it. It's going nowhere and I felt confused at times whether he wants to pursue something significant with me or not. But it doesn't really matter because it's so fucking clear now.

He has been through quite lately, the honeymoon period is over for him. He's settled down in this city. and when he thought he was he got kicked out from his shared accommodation, apparently his house-mate is a total bitch and She doesn't want him anymore. luckily our mutual friend, miss pinkcommunist allow him to stay in her living room until he moves in to his new apartment in darlinghurst next week. Miss pinkcommunist will stay with him when her apartment lease is over this thursday.

Last saturday, he texted me and he wanted to hang out, i told him to come over and watch a movie together. I was a little horny because i thought we still could be physically together. but when he was there, we just cuddled, and when i tried to kiss him, he didn't want to. it's alright, sorta pissed me of in away. that's kinda the first sign that he's not into me anymore. I thought at first he was just wanted to play games, but then again i've got a feeling that he wouldn't have sex with me again. We just cuddled, because that was what he wanted. it felt good actually. emotionally satisfying. we cuddled 2 times durng the week now, and my bedsheets smells like him.

There's nothing wrong with cuddling actually, it felt more emotional than fucking but sometimes i have my needs and i was a little selfish and a little over the line. i told him something quite mean, "You used to be quite easy before, but not anymore" it's getting a little complicated but it's something that i have to respect. 2 weeks ago, i told him something quite significant. I like him for who he is and we might cross boundaries but we still have our limit. Being friends with him is great, but i don't think he's a great lover, and the stake for us to get hurt is too much. I was thinking the possibilities of us being together, but he's not good with commitment and he has a problem whenever he finds out that person wants to pursue him, he backs off and lose interest. So game over for me.

It doesn't it sort of like a vaccination for me before i'll hurt in the future. Miss pinkcommunist talked to me heart to heart, and she warned me about this, and they had a talk about me this morning and Ollie said that he doesn't regret touching me and physically attractive and such and such but he already made it clear for me that he just wants us to be friends. and It's his problem that once he's slept with someone he loses interests in that person. He actually wanted to tell me in person but he told miss pinkcommunist that he doesn't know how to, without hurting me. He didn't regret touching me but he wouldn't from now on.
alright, now i just have to respect his decision from now on. I like him a lot but to be called love, is not enough. I was smitten for a period of time, and now the energy is dying. and i don't think he's actually see me in the same way as he used to.

Ah my life, i thought i had a potential lover, now what i get is just a friend who cuddles once in a while. he's still a good friend of mine, but i guess i would not expect anything, anymore from him than being a great friend and nothing more.

"Tonight, let's be lovers and tomorrow to go back being friends" - Dave Matthews Band


Monday, April 4, 2011

Inbetween us

"it's a very fine line, babe between you and me between you and i "- If I had a million, FINK

There's always interesting stuff to write during the weekend. The weekend is finally over tonight, and this weekend marked the start of daylight savings. It was a good weekend i suppose. It started with brunch with my cousins, a.k.a my housemates. and dinner with ollie and miss pinkcommunist. and it ended with BBQ party at my house for my cousin who just graduated and going back home to our home country for good. 

Yesterday, I realized something, i actually really like Ollie. Maybe i'm too scared to actually pursue anything more than friendship with some extra benefits. I was a little affectionate towards him, i wanted to kiss him, but i was afraid that he didn't want to and would reject me for sure. He did it to me once. I was a little confused. Is he actually protecting his heart so he wouldn't get too involved with me? I played with his hair and a little touchy. I wasn't horny but maybe i like the feelings of touching someone quite intimately. or to be touched in return. 

I invited him couple hours before the BBQ party, and as my cousins were preparing the food downstairs i took the advantage of taking him to my room and hoping we could be a little intimate. He was just there, lying on my bed and playing with my computers, and I was trying to make a little move on him but he was a little defensive, He might playing a little hard to get, but as the time is ticking, He gave up and we kissed and cuddle for couple of minutes and gave me massages but it was interrupted when my cousin was knocking on the door. Shit. 

We had a great time at the party, everyone was there, my friends and my cousins friends. After a while, we had a little moment together in my balcony smoking. It was the usual shit that we always talk about, "Don't fall in love with me" I told him, I'm not in love with him and if i do, i wouldn't tell him. He said that's the problem. I just don't get it, the whole thing is just a game between us, something that create tension so one of us will eventually give in. 

We both like each other, that's for sure we actually told each other that. but he told me that he's scared of affection. I was just thinking, there's a very fine line between affection and intimacy. and one often mistaken by another. i'm having a hard time differentiating one after another. kissing him goodnight might scaring him off and he said he doesn't like it. but i know that he's lying. He likes it but he's protecting his heart. He was heartbroken at one point once. He told me that he was involved with a guy who has a girlfriend and it ended badly when that guy unfriended him. It reminded me the first time we kissed, he told me that whatever happen between us, he still want us to be friends, so i agree to it. It's a good proposition, i never hate anyone and i always forgive. 

The whole thing made me think. and i know i shouldn't think too much. We're friends, and we cross the boundaries. but we still have our limit. is time pushing our limit? I ask and re-ask myself if i actually love him? but I don't think i love him. not yet, the seed is there, but i hasn't grown yet. Do i actually want it to grow? maybe, maybe not i don't care. I have him as a friend. we have sex sometimes, and enjoy each other's company. I know that i'm not in love with him because i don't really give a damn if he's actually seeing someone else in front of me or behind my back. I also think that pursuing any kind of relationship or putting a label on us is actually appropriate. My priority is not him, and i'm not desperate.

I might get freaked out if he's in love with me, or I find myself in love with him, but why fight it? It's a beautiful feeling. I know the cost might be too much but life is too short to not to give it a shot. I also think that if we're actually in love with each other now or in the future, we shouldn't fight it. why so scared of it? Honestly, I am scared, and i know he is too. We don't want to ruin this beautiful friendship. What we have is special, something that is undefined, and we need a new word for it. :)

We're not that different, you and i babe. and we should organize a sort of revolution. 

Saturday, April 2, 2011


After bad date yesterday, today i got rejected by my new team members and they told me that they would like to do the projects without me. I was a little annoyed but seriously, rejection sucks. I never like being rejected, who does anyway. but it's a little thing that stings but won't kill me, i should get even stronger. I think i'm able to pull off the project alone, by myself and push myself to the limit. The whole rejection experience taught me things, is this the worst thing that's gonna happen when things aren't working out at the first place? I hope so. I get rejected many times, and usually i grow even much more. dates, when things aren't working out, look for another one. I'm just having a bad week. Now it's already weekend and i'm not going out anywhere. Not really in the mood. tomorrow i'm having brunch at bills, my favorite brekkie place and hanging out with ollie at night, so yea, i hope things will get better tomorrow.

Btw, i checked out my inbox and there's around 4 guys who wants to hook up with me. sweet, i'll think about it. just hope they won't reject me. :)

Have a great weekend everyone.

Friday, April 1, 2011

The blues

I think i'm having blues this week. I know that i can't be fully energetic and be happy all the time. All the things that happened to me in the past 2 weeks sort of change the way i think. Maybe i was on the top of my game in the past months but now i'm on the verge of going down again. I couldn't finish my essay, I couldn't really concentrate. I know i can't afford to fail again. I had enough of people calling me lazy and untalented. Maybe i was just anxious about what's been happening in my life. Most of my friends are leaving this country for good this year and they are my best friends that i've known for years. It's gonna be really sad, but hey they choose their own path in life and start another journey back home whereas me, I'm staying and still growing. This city has taught me a lot of things, but i still there's more to explore and more to learn about life here, so my time isn't up yet.

these past 2 days I've been thinking a lot about relationships. My best friends (and all of them girls) here teased me that I would get into forced marriage in the future. It's my total nightmare. I don't think i could ever do it. Marriage is something that i still haven't believed in. Look at my parents for example, they're stuck in such unhappy marriage, and they cheat on each other and stay on because of me. My mom tld me that she's too old to divorce my dad, and stay on for financial reason. So she couldn't really do anything about it. My dad has a mistress and maybe a family. It's hard growing up seeing my parents hating each other. "A child grow up looking at his parents back", that's what a proverb said maybe i don't really believe in love or relationship because i have never really seen it from my parents. I look at my friends parents and they are still clearly in love, looking at mine, there are so much hatred and coldness. Life is unfair, but then again I should be able to learn from their mistakes. To actually believe in love is hard. It took me a trip to another city and got myself heartbroken to feel what s called love in a romantic way. I know affectionate love, platonic love but the romantic kind is all very new for me.

My best friends who are leaving this city, they're all in a serious relationships with their partner. I don't envy them but once they all talking about marriage and building a life together it all sound very strange, It sounded really easy, compared to me It's going to be really hard. even harder as a guy who likes other guys, finding the right one is like a needle in a haystack. For them, straight girls once they find "the one" taking it seriously until discussing marriage. Maybe it's really easy for them as they don't have to pay their own wedding as the bill will be paid by their parents. and they don't really have to work either if they found a rich husband. Not that i'm jealous but as the challenge is getting harder for me, it's much easier for them. I just wish them the best. I will be happy if i see my friends happy. Maybe getting married at such an early age is a good thing as finding the "one" as they grow older is even harder.

back to being married, it's a nightmare for me to actually be trapped in an unhappy marriage. Maybe i wil get married someday, with a person that i truly love. or maybe not. I might not find the one, and i think just should be prepared to be lonely for the rest of my life. I like the feeling to be loved by someone, but for now do i actually capable to love someone if i can't love myself more. I am lonely, but not that lonely. I'm happily seeing someone now, and I know that he likes me more than i like him, which is a good sign. but will i actually be guilty and have to force myself to love him at the end? I hate playing games and i think he's trying to make me jealous. I'm being cool, but what does my heart truly feel about it? do i actually give a shit if he's seeing someone else or sleep with another person. He told me not to fall in love with him and i said the same thing too, and i mean it. I don't want to put much pressure on us. I'm not ready for anything serious. But what about love? isn't that something that comes naturally? I may deny and ignore the feelings, just for the sake not to lose him. i don't want to hurt him and i don't want to get hurt. I am now very confused. I haven't talked to him as much. I don't miss him because i know we're gonna hang out in the weekend, I do feel like being used a little just because i'm cute, then he can sleep with me. something that i feel a little hurt, even though he denies it, but hey there's like another 10 guys who looks exactly like me in sydney and he can sleep with all of them, i won't be jealous, but it just proves my point that he just think of me as a piece of meat. I'm just being insecure now, totally insecure. The thing that happened to me last week just made me realize that i'm in an even deeper shit than i thought. I just have to try to fix it before it gets too late. I just have to remember my self worth and well being. that;s what's important the most.

Today, the bad date just drag my confident level down. I just hate that feeling, being rejected. I'm really not in a good mood, it just ruined my whole week. I just need to prioritize though, and put myself back on the track. I still believe that this year and beyond will be very good for me. I just have a very bad week.
Next week is gonna get better for sure. AND I HAVE TO STOP THINKING TOO MUCH. im just gonna pour all it out in here. :P