Another day, another week and i'm surviving. lack of enthusiasm and energy in the last couple of weeks. maybe i've used them all and i'm exhausted.
I haven't update for a while, there's nothing really interesting to talk about. my life has been dry lately, and love wise it's a little sucks. Today i have something to write, oh well emotion feelings, let pour it all out in here. Things have been quite difficult for me lately, at one point i think i was going mental. School, Family, Friends, Love. It's all been very overwhelming for me. I just need a fucking break. hell yea, and easter break is coming, at least i can have some much needed rest that will calm my mind down and strive for the best again.
Ollie and I are just friend now. I can say that he's a really good friend of mine now, nothing more than that. 2 weeks ago, we had quite big talk, but it was quite vague but i sort of get the idea that he wants nothing more than just being friends with me. That's alright i guess. I respect his decision. It was the point that i actually starting to open up my heart and realize that i actually really-really like him. We'e been hanging out for almost everyday during the week and maybe that's it. It's going nowhere and I felt confused at times whether he wants to pursue something significant with me or not. But it doesn't really matter because it's so fucking clear now.
He has been through quite lately, the honeymoon period is over for him. He's settled down in this city. and when he thought he was he got kicked out from his shared accommodation, apparently his house-mate is a total bitch and She doesn't want him anymore. luckily our mutual friend, miss pinkcommunist allow him to stay in her living room until he moves in to his new apartment in darlinghurst next week. Miss pinkcommunist will stay with him when her apartment lease is over this thursday.
Last saturday, he texted me and he wanted to hang out, i told him to come over and watch a movie together. I was a little horny because i thought we still could be physically together. but when he was there, we just cuddled, and when i tried to kiss him, he didn't want to. it's alright, sorta pissed me of in away. that's kinda the first sign that he's not into me anymore. I thought at first he was just wanted to play games, but then again i've got a feeling that he wouldn't have sex with me again. We just cuddled, because that was what he wanted. it felt good actually. emotionally satisfying. we cuddled 2 times durng the week now, and my bedsheets smells like him.
There's nothing wrong with cuddling actually, it felt more emotional than fucking but sometimes i have my needs and i was a little selfish and a little over the line. i told him something quite mean, "You used to be quite easy before, but not anymore" it's getting a little complicated but it's something that i have to respect. 2 weeks ago, i told him something quite significant. I like him for who he is and we might cross boundaries but we still have our limit. Being friends with him is great, but i don't think he's a great lover, and the stake for us to get hurt is too much. I was thinking the possibilities of us being together, but he's not good with commitment and he has a problem whenever he finds out that person wants to pursue him, he backs off and lose interest. So game over for me.
It doesn't it sort of like a vaccination for me before i'll hurt in the future. Miss pinkcommunist talked to me heart to heart, and she warned me about this, and they had a talk about me this morning and Ollie said that he doesn't regret touching me and physically attractive and such and such but he already made it clear for me that he just wants us to be friends. and It's his problem that once he's slept with someone he loses interests in that person. He actually wanted to tell me in person but he told miss pinkcommunist that he doesn't know how to, without hurting me. He didn't regret touching me but he wouldn't from now on.
alright, now i just have to respect his decision from now on. I like him a lot but to be called love, is not enough. I was smitten for a period of time, and now the energy is dying. and i don't think he's actually see me in the same way as he used to.
Ah my life, i thought i had a potential lover, now what i get is just a friend who cuddles once in a while. he's still a good friend of mine, but i guess i would not expect anything, anymore from him than being a great friend and nothing more.
"Tonight, let's be lovers and tomorrow to go back being friends" - Dave Matthews Band