Monday, April 4, 2011

Inbetween us

"it's a very fine line, babe between you and me between you and i "- If I had a million, FINK

There's always interesting stuff to write during the weekend. The weekend is finally over tonight, and this weekend marked the start of daylight savings. It was a good weekend i suppose. It started with brunch with my cousins, a.k.a my housemates. and dinner with ollie and miss pinkcommunist. and it ended with BBQ party at my house for my cousin who just graduated and going back home to our home country for good. 

Yesterday, I realized something, i actually really like Ollie. Maybe i'm too scared to actually pursue anything more than friendship with some extra benefits. I was a little affectionate towards him, i wanted to kiss him, but i was afraid that he didn't want to and would reject me for sure. He did it to me once. I was a little confused. Is he actually protecting his heart so he wouldn't get too involved with me? I played with his hair and a little touchy. I wasn't horny but maybe i like the feelings of touching someone quite intimately. or to be touched in return. 

I invited him couple hours before the BBQ party, and as my cousins were preparing the food downstairs i took the advantage of taking him to my room and hoping we could be a little intimate. He was just there, lying on my bed and playing with my computers, and I was trying to make a little move on him but he was a little defensive, He might playing a little hard to get, but as the time is ticking, He gave up and we kissed and cuddle for couple of minutes and gave me massages but it was interrupted when my cousin was knocking on the door. Shit. 

We had a great time at the party, everyone was there, my friends and my cousins friends. After a while, we had a little moment together in my balcony smoking. It was the usual shit that we always talk about, "Don't fall in love with me" I told him, I'm not in love with him and if i do, i wouldn't tell him. He said that's the problem. I just don't get it, the whole thing is just a game between us, something that create tension so one of us will eventually give in. 

We both like each other, that's for sure we actually told each other that. but he told me that he's scared of affection. I was just thinking, there's a very fine line between affection and intimacy. and one often mistaken by another. i'm having a hard time differentiating one after another. kissing him goodnight might scaring him off and he said he doesn't like it. but i know that he's lying. He likes it but he's protecting his heart. He was heartbroken at one point once. He told me that he was involved with a guy who has a girlfriend and it ended badly when that guy unfriended him. It reminded me the first time we kissed, he told me that whatever happen between us, he still want us to be friends, so i agree to it. It's a good proposition, i never hate anyone and i always forgive. 

The whole thing made me think. and i know i shouldn't think too much. We're friends, and we cross the boundaries. but we still have our limit. is time pushing our limit? I ask and re-ask myself if i actually love him? but I don't think i love him. not yet, the seed is there, but i hasn't grown yet. Do i actually want it to grow? maybe, maybe not i don't care. I have him as a friend. we have sex sometimes, and enjoy each other's company. I know that i'm not in love with him because i don't really give a damn if he's actually seeing someone else in front of me or behind my back. I also think that pursuing any kind of relationship or putting a label on us is actually appropriate. My priority is not him, and i'm not desperate.

I might get freaked out if he's in love with me, or I find myself in love with him, but why fight it? It's a beautiful feeling. I know the cost might be too much but life is too short to not to give it a shot. I also think that if we're actually in love with each other now or in the future, we shouldn't fight it. why so scared of it? Honestly, I am scared, and i know he is too. We don't want to ruin this beautiful friendship. What we have is special, something that is undefined, and we need a new word for it. :)

We're not that different, you and i babe. and we should organize a sort of revolution. 


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