Friday, April 1, 2011

The blues

I think i'm having blues this week. I know that i can't be fully energetic and be happy all the time. All the things that happened to me in the past 2 weeks sort of change the way i think. Maybe i was on the top of my game in the past months but now i'm on the verge of going down again. I couldn't finish my essay, I couldn't really concentrate. I know i can't afford to fail again. I had enough of people calling me lazy and untalented. Maybe i was just anxious about what's been happening in my life. Most of my friends are leaving this country for good this year and they are my best friends that i've known for years. It's gonna be really sad, but hey they choose their own path in life and start another journey back home whereas me, I'm staying and still growing. This city has taught me a lot of things, but i still there's more to explore and more to learn about life here, so my time isn't up yet.

these past 2 days I've been thinking a lot about relationships. My best friends (and all of them girls) here teased me that I would get into forced marriage in the future. It's my total nightmare. I don't think i could ever do it. Marriage is something that i still haven't believed in. Look at my parents for example, they're stuck in such unhappy marriage, and they cheat on each other and stay on because of me. My mom tld me that she's too old to divorce my dad, and stay on for financial reason. So she couldn't really do anything about it. My dad has a mistress and maybe a family. It's hard growing up seeing my parents hating each other. "A child grow up looking at his parents back", that's what a proverb said maybe i don't really believe in love or relationship because i have never really seen it from my parents. I look at my friends parents and they are still clearly in love, looking at mine, there are so much hatred and coldness. Life is unfair, but then again I should be able to learn from their mistakes. To actually believe in love is hard. It took me a trip to another city and got myself heartbroken to feel what s called love in a romantic way. I know affectionate love, platonic love but the romantic kind is all very new for me.

My best friends who are leaving this city, they're all in a serious relationships with their partner. I don't envy them but once they all talking about marriage and building a life together it all sound very strange, It sounded really easy, compared to me It's going to be really hard. even harder as a guy who likes other guys, finding the right one is like a needle in a haystack. For them, straight girls once they find "the one" taking it seriously until discussing marriage. Maybe it's really easy for them as they don't have to pay their own wedding as the bill will be paid by their parents. and they don't really have to work either if they found a rich husband. Not that i'm jealous but as the challenge is getting harder for me, it's much easier for them. I just wish them the best. I will be happy if i see my friends happy. Maybe getting married at such an early age is a good thing as finding the "one" as they grow older is even harder.

back to being married, it's a nightmare for me to actually be trapped in an unhappy marriage. Maybe i wil get married someday, with a person that i truly love. or maybe not. I might not find the one, and i think just should be prepared to be lonely for the rest of my life. I like the feeling to be loved by someone, but for now do i actually capable to love someone if i can't love myself more. I am lonely, but not that lonely. I'm happily seeing someone now, and I know that he likes me more than i like him, which is a good sign. but will i actually be guilty and have to force myself to love him at the end? I hate playing games and i think he's trying to make me jealous. I'm being cool, but what does my heart truly feel about it? do i actually give a shit if he's seeing someone else or sleep with another person. He told me not to fall in love with him and i said the same thing too, and i mean it. I don't want to put much pressure on us. I'm not ready for anything serious. But what about love? isn't that something that comes naturally? I may deny and ignore the feelings, just for the sake not to lose him. i don't want to hurt him and i don't want to get hurt. I am now very confused. I haven't talked to him as much. I don't miss him because i know we're gonna hang out in the weekend, I do feel like being used a little just because i'm cute, then he can sleep with me. something that i feel a little hurt, even though he denies it, but hey there's like another 10 guys who looks exactly like me in sydney and he can sleep with all of them, i won't be jealous, but it just proves my point that he just think of me as a piece of meat. I'm just being insecure now, totally insecure. The thing that happened to me last week just made me realize that i'm in an even deeper shit than i thought. I just have to try to fix it before it gets too late. I just have to remember my self worth and well being. that;s what's important the most.

Today, the bad date just drag my confident level down. I just hate that feeling, being rejected. I'm really not in a good mood, it just ruined my whole week. I just need to prioritize though, and put myself back on the track. I still believe that this year and beyond will be very good for me. I just have a very bad week.
Next week is gonna get better for sure. AND I HAVE TO STOP THINKING TOO MUCH. im just gonna pour all it out in here. :P



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