Wednesday, July 27, 2011

How do you get over something you never had

One of my pastimes is to watch some random videos on youtube and i found a trailer for a short movie called "Requited" I haven't watched the film (not available yet) but the film's plot pose this question "How do you get over something you never had?" It just hit me and made me question myself even more.
There's a lot of things happened to me over these past few months, things that i haven't wrote here but it's all about the questions that i need to answer in my own time.

Ollie has a new boyfriend, we started to grew apart. I knew that it's gonna happen soon enough and i felt prepared for it. No, i wasn't heartbroken thank god. We had our moments together and decided to become just friends. I didn't feel anything. I met them couple weeks ago and the new boyfriend was okay. an older korean guy, a cub. He seemed nice and i guess exactly what Ollie needs. I think i do care about Ollie but i've never loved him enough to start anything and we're just friends. I used to like him a lot, but now it seemed that everything was too late, and I don't think i even want him now, maybe later and back then but not at this moment. I felt like i need to grow some distance to him, and give him some space as he's dating this guy and i don't want to make trouble for them by sparking some jealousy.

JP a.k.a Mr.Big a.k.a the italian. That's another story. i've moved on far beyond my expectations. but honestly, why i do kept having flashback of feelings for him. that's quite scary to think about in broad daylight. I've forgiven the guy but why i still haven't got over the fact that he rejected me for that thai cunt. I saw his fb profile again and the thai guy posted 7 more pictured into his profile. didn't know what his intention was, but i guess it made me emotional. i would never get him back, it's decided. but then why all these feelings coming back to me? Oh shit i'm in trouble. Maybe i should delete all contacts with him. but will be fair for him? or maybe i don't have the heart to do so. when enough is enough for me.

It's always a story when one's talking about unrequited love. maybe that's i truly want, just to experience what is it feels like to be requited, to wanted by people that i care about and love.

the picture depicted thousand words. hmm.. that's what i want. lying in bed after making love feeling relaxed and having deep conversation. The pillow talk.


Thursday, July 7, 2011

The islandloverboi returns

So here i am, sitting down in a cafe checking out facebook. I clicked on Mr.Big's profile, and surprise surprise, there was something shocking and always made me feel the vomit in my mouth. It was his island loverboy posting his picture in Sydney. I never thought that it will happen but it happened. It's a good thing that i'm not in Sydney at the moment but seeing a picture of a guy who stole my guy really upsets me. i'm pretty sure that he set this one up just to make me jealous. i try not to be consumed by emotions, but i just couldn't help it. It made me feel so fucking insecure. even though the guy is not as cute as me, but still that feeling of rejection just came back to me. It was over 6 months ago, and i've moved on far. very far. bust i still hate that guy. Never ever in my life feel this shitty. 

Oh well, good on Mr.Big, he got his wishes grated couple months ago, to be with that stupid fucking thai cunt in Sydney. haha I just wish them to be happy, IN HELL. 

It's not the jealousy thing, I don't even fucking care that they're together. but Knowing that guy is in sydney, it just opened up some wounds. I hate this feeling. I may forgive Mr.Big for what he did to me because he was totally honest to me at the end, and it was easier for me to move on. But i still hate hate hate that stupid fucking thai cunt. he stole my man away. 

I guess is should calm my self down, i'm much better looking than fucking chang, i'm way more knowledgable, way more presentable than him. 

Maybe it was my insecurity, looking back Mr.Big was much happy to with his island lover boy because he wasn't as good as me therefore he wouldn't feel intimidated. and Mr.Big found trouble in paradise when stupid fucking chang drove mr.big crazy with jealousy. haha that fucking guy was jealous of me, Mr.Big told me and I was fucking happy to hear that. 

now the table turned, and i'm, not happy with the situation. update soon...

Saturday, July 2, 2011

The crush

You saw that person from your friend’s page, you thought that person is cute. you want him. you him a lot, you stare at his pictures for half an hour and admiring them. He is what you want, you aspire to be with him, spend your precious time together. it was just a wishful thinking. you don’t know anything about him except you have 15 mutual friends in common and he is totally your type. You’re too afraid to act, you wait. You find yourself in a club with your friends, and he was there. he doesn’t know you, you don’t know him except his name. you saw him from a far, hoping that person will be near you so you can stare at that person all night. He was dancing with somebody, you kept figuring out whether there was a slight chance if you smile and he would smile back and stroked a conversation. he was dancing 6 feet away from you. your heart beats faster. you wanted to give him a smile but he went away again. your friend told you to call it a night. you saw him one last time, and cross your fingers that it wouldn’t be the last time to see him again. you went back home. you were thinking about him the whole night, you had a dream about that person. Now, you are writing this post just to pour out exactly how you feel. you have a crush on him, hoping you would meet him and grew something out of it.