Jakarta

What time do you call this?
I've been craning, bewildered all my days
To now find your face
Shining out of the crowd

Love was just a word
That friends didn't mention
Cause love was just a joke
Till it battered me senseless

Ohh, shrink with me, tower with me
Wither with me, flower with me
Endlessly follow me
Chew me up and swallow me

Stay at least for now with me
Drink and dance and row with me
Tell me when I go too far
Stay precisely where you are

"What Time Do You Call This?"-Elbow

Jakarta eh..

My hometown.. So far i've been here 2 years. Life is slow here, but things moving at rapid speed. I wish It could be slower, but I guess It's just me that has to keep up with the time.

I just watched the movie Man-Up on Netflix, Netflix is my new boyfriend). It's a silly romcom and Somehow it made me tear up, it's about a chance encounter that wasn't planned as once stole one's date. I figured that it was just a movie but hey sometimes reality is stranger than fiction and life does imitates art. As you know It happened to me but i was the one whose date got stolen. Haha oh well those were the times when i was a little more desperate than i am now.

I am content being single, no pressure from myself to find someone as the dating pool here sucks, and I am just focusing on myself. Well, I guess if there's more guys here that's more my type in this town to date and to fuck i wouldn't be this chilled. I felt like being Celibate is a good thing. Netflix, porn and my left hand are saviour.

When I watched the movie, I couldn't help myself wonder, I kinda miss that kind of connection. I haven't got one for a while. I miss dating, but I don't miss the rejection. The GAME, the tug-o-war the confession, the heartbreak after...

I mentioned that I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety few years back and i've been taking my meds regularly.. maybe it's one of the side effect.. that It's harder for me to connect with another human being..

Last night I had a dream, well.. Someone's been on my mind this weekend.. He just popped up from moment to moment.. A guy that met last year in Bangkok. He seemed like an ideal guy.. But yeah he's partnered now and the distance between us really sucked. He's the total opposite of me in many ways but I believe that we complete each other. Does that makes sense? I long to be with him. But He would reject me. I tried to be friends but It seems that He knew that I liked him a lot. I've got a feeling He liked me too but yeah the distance.. the gap.. It's like solving a very hard equation of love...

I should just give it up.. But I couldn't maybe time will forget the time i was with him.. just as a sweet memory, not a profound feeling that i've been holding on for a year and a half.


I think Elbow's song just summarized my feelings right now.

X
WL

Depression

I think i have to come clean,

the reason why i haven't blogged much in the past years was because i was battling with depression.
It is something that i've been battling for the last couple of years, a demon inside me that i battle to each and everyday. I have been treated accordingly but being on the meds and getting through life is not easy. There are times that i just couldn't cope with things, even the slightest task.

I moved back home with my folks and It made me feel better but there are always new challenges with living with parents.

I am anxious most of the time, anxious about life, the future. about love, about carrer, about everything that matters and things that shouldn't matter to me.

I often think of an escape from this jail that i've built but it's not easy to go through the blueprint that i've built. I felt powerless.

It took a toll on relationship that i had with people among me. I've been distant with my friends, family, and lovers.

I realised that i coped my anxiety with  sex and dating, hoping that it would make myself feel better, but no. it made me feel even more empty.

That room in my heart that is not filled with anything, it was just contempt.

I think i've come to term to learn to love myself first than the others.

Crossing path

Sometimes you just won't know who you would meet along the way. Finding connection in the age of grindr is easy, as easy as opening an app on your phone.

In the past few months i crossed path with few exciting people. People that i've met virtually and also in real life. I cherished every moments that i shared with these wonderful people. Sometimes it's not all about hooking up to find yourself and dig the other person deeper. I find it more profound that having one night stands.

Don't get me wrong, i still love my sex, but to find that special person in life, of these special people in life is harder than finding someone who's compatible in bed with me. I've been ravelling quite extensively in the past few months and The guys that i found outside my home ground are way more exciting and more on my level than guys who i usually interact. I don't know if it was traveller's luck or i was just lucky that i was at the right time or place at that point in my life that these encounters opened my eyes that i truly cherished being single.

The intimacy that i shared, the stories we tell, the activities that we did together. Those are precious moments that were priceless. I didn't regret any single moments, yet I just have to move on as we were just crossing path. They were not there to stay and so was i.

Sexual frustration

Since I moved back home, I rarely get to have sex. sexual encounters are rare. Not because i don't have a lot of offers but I'm just not attracted to local boys. I find only a few of local guys are hot. Jakarta is a strange city. I don't think people a plenty of sex here. Maybe they do, on a binge, in any opportunity and any chance they get.

I honestly feeling sexually frustrated. Should i just hook up with someone that i'm not attracted to but worshipped me or should i wait til i got a chance to get away from this hell hole and release my frustrations on holiday. well as a single guy, i just don't know when i'm gonna get lucky. hooking up takes an effort, there's a lot mental checklists to tick and not to mention the cab fares. well i guess that's least of the problem. most of them comes from my own insecurities, will he accept my the way i look? my chunky figure, the fact that i smoke? and the list continues.

I'm on a strict diet now. my parents said i could be even more attractive if i work out, lose weight and gain muscle. Maybe parents know best. so i'm willing to give it a go.

Sometimes i feel that being a big boy diminishes the chances to find attractive guys on grindr. well there's always growlr, but i'm not always attracted to most of the guys there. don't get me wrong. I like my bears but there's a lot of guys who don't know to take care of themselves there. well looking at the mirror even though i have a bit of weight problem, i take care of myself, i take care of hygiene seriously, i work out a bit and i'm quite active. i have bit of muscle too. I won't be attracted to guys who looks like they don't shower for few days. and plenty of them on growlr. I just wanna hook up and date guys who has standard on their appearance. amazing personality is also a plus. more points if they're awesome. i don't think i can stand someone who's very intense, talking to me as if we were on a shrink's office. Well i think my criteria aren't that high but how come it's so hard to find a nice guy.

Maybe the fact that i only attracted to mostly white guys also narrowed down my choice. I'm not a total potato queen but i think i prefer my vanilla than other flavors. chocolates are nice, also salted caramel and coconut flavored ice cream. :)

I guess i just have to learn to be patient., control my urge, and maybe when i least expected it i will find the one.

I thought he was the one...

But He turned out to be a sociopath.

This happened few years ago, I met this guy who i thought was the one. 

To me he was almost perfect and i overlooked his baggage. I was not even sure why. 

They said love defies everything, including logic. I guess it was true in this case.

He never hurt me physically, but he did hurt me emotionally. BADLY. 

few sessions to see psychologist and psychiatrist later, i was on the mend, with medication,

Just to get over this guy. he fucked up my mind badly. Why?

Did I just hurt myself by falling in love with the wrong guy? why i always attract these kind of guys?

He was a loser, a total loser that i loved. I still cared about him though, i still can't help myself.

But yeah I get that he's no good, but being with him was like a drug. 

We looked good together, our conversation always flowed, he got me and i understood him. 

We shared the same passion, I felt like we were twins, and i thought that i found a soulmate. 

We knew we couldn't be together because he was moving but i opted to continue seeing him. 

It was a great few months, then he left. 

We continued to talk to each other everyday, my heart always pounding everytime i received his message. I felt content, there was someone out there who cared about me. 

I visited him, It was the beginning of a disaster, he came clean to me that he was seeing someone else. "just to fill the gap" he said, i was upset. then he got upset too. We hurt each other many times after, including one big confrontation, long passive aggressive emails bounced back and forth. 

I was exhausted.

On the final blow. I received a phonecall from his best friend. Telling me about everything, why he left, and why he was unstable. well shit got cleared, he was a psychopath. A social butterfly, a user. He left too many problems behind that he couldn't go back. Problems includes debts, feud with family members with physical violence, and many more. 

He was in love with me because i admired him, his good looks, his charm, and I adored him. But also because i was there. I was convenient. 

I remained friends with him but it got tough When i saw him again and i've moved on. He accused me of being obsessed with him. though i had truly moved on and thought of him as a friend only. 

He said hurtful things to me, it made me angry so i cut him off completely. Obviously He was furious at me because i didn't feel the same way was as before. 

It was the second time i got hurt, it hit me badly. 

Maybe it's true, you can't tied up your soulmate as partner. It's too painful.

The pain is gone now, but only the scar left behind. 

And i thought he was the one, maybe he was. but now I'm looking for another one. 

The one who wouldn't hurt me as bad. 

WL.

He's just not that into me

I get that a lot of times when somebody take me out on a date (in any context) and i certainly feels that he's just not that into me therefore we won't communicate more than our first meeting.  I never have any hard feelings towards it but it always annoys me for a few days or weeks but always get over it quick. In a harsh gay dating world when you give someone a message only 10% of all the message that you send is replied by your potential dates. He might reply suggesting to chat further or meeting up or just a simple rejection letter. "Sorry, but i am not interested". Or the third option, he might block you. Which one is worst? rejection letter or no reply or being blocked?  I think being blocked is the worst, yet rejection letter and no reply action are not as bad but it kills your confidence. That's just the first part of the harsh gay dating world. It wasted time and effort, or possibly heart. The first time i get the rejection letter or being blocked i was so surprised. Turns out i realized that to survive the dating game in this city I have to be someone that i'm not. I'm not that tall, definitely not skinny posses this certain look, act this certain way, belong to a certain race. Although some believe that opposite attracts but I figure that in this city they date or fuck with the mirror image of themselves. Let say if you are are a little overweight and don't belong in a majority race your chance on finding dates are really small. unless you find some niche which i have but still harder than normal average people. I have been on some dates where i am 100% sure that the guy will never contact me back because i know that he's just not that into me. Most of the time i weren't into them either so why bother putting more effort into waste.

When i was younger, let's say 21 years old. I just found out about the gay world. it was liberating, to have something new, beyond my sheltered life. I knew from such an early age i was into older guys. But most of the people out there are ageist. they would tell me off that i was too young.
Now when i got older, i guess the table a little bit turned. most guys these days aren't looking for someone my age. i wonder why.

Rejection is hard. but i guess i learnt it from time to time.
to to accept the fact that i cannot change and accept the change within myself.

Should i be a different person? why is it so hard to find someone who will accept me for whoever i am. beyond looks, personality, wealth, etc. I am getting tired with all of these nonsense.

Maybe if i transformed myself into a different persona, at least people would look at me differently. yet i might just killed someone, someone who is me.

;)

love found love lost, then found again: renewed.

This happened few years ago, i know i had not been very disciplined in writing my blog, but it's something that is quite meaningful to me. His name is Byron. I met him through Growlr. He's attracted to my type, a bigger asian guy. Well in Sydney he got plenty of options. Well, he did meet most of them to get over his ex. He moved from a state not far away and yet probably it was just time before i met him. He was friends with people that i knew back then. They were in the same circle.

When we met, it was just magical. We did rounds of sleepovers, cuddling sessions, and emotionally dependent to each other for a while. I gave him a cute nickname, and it seemed that we were perfect for each other.

 but yet, the sex did not work.

Sex is very important factor to build up a relationship. and in this case that factor was just missing. We tried, but yet we gave up. I guess what we had was stronger than sex. we still continued seeing each other. until he moved away.

I vividly remembered they day i dropped him to 357 to have sex then i picked him up after he got some sex, It felt weird yet it felt fulfilling so see someone that i cared got what he needed. I also sought sex from other people. but yet at the end of the day he came home to me, and we embraced in each other's arm and collapsed in my bed.

We laughed, we argued, we kissed, we cuddled. but we did not make love.

I loved him, he loved me but it just didn't work.
He moved away, yet he came back to me.
We renewed our relationship into something stronger. a friendship that is beyond love.
I love him unconditionally.

We are friends now.
That's what matters the most: The fact that he's still in my life.
Maybe forever.

NEW CHAPTER

I've been absent from blogging for more than a year now. 

Stay tuned for something exciting. 

A story about my new adventures. 

xxxx

WL

I will possess your heart

"How I wish you could see the potential of you and me It's like a book elegantly bound but in a language you can't read just yet. You got to spend some time with me, love and I know that you'll find love, I will possess your heart"- Death Cab for Cutie.

Dedicated to someone who I really care at the moment. 
You know who you are.

It's been a week since you left. Well I know you have been trying to burn the bridge between us, starting on your side. But I feel like my side is stronger, stronger than you think. 

Do I have to accept the fact that you're burning it. Or I have to keep the bridge strong. I don't know.

I like the idea of being able to cross the bridge to your side and ask you out to be true.

Is it only a fantasy? Or could it be true. Only time could tell.

I don't give up easily. But I know when to stop. It's when it's not worth it. But I think you're still worth a million chances, to spend. 

Keep smiling, you will always be in my heart

1.41am Wednesday 25 September 2013

Dedicated to someone who I really care at the moment. 
You know who you are.

It was great to hear your voice yesterday, your sweet voice. That one hour phone call sweeten my soul. I know you miss me and I miss you dearly but also I don't want to crowd in your space. We are separated by oceans and time. The gap is getting bigger and I have no choice to let go and not to swim against the currents. I'm glad you met someone. It's always nice to meet someone when you're on a journey to find yourself and Someone to think about. Hope he's nice and he's taking care of you. I hope we will still be good friends. I love you dearly and I'm letting you go to release myself from the jail that I build in. I always smile looking back from the time that we spent but I won't dwell on the past too much. But you're always gonna be close to my heart, always.

12 October 2013 Saturday

9.38pm 

Dedicated to someone who I really care at the moment. 
You know who you are.

Ginger bear/ Quest for love

 Once upon a time, I met a ginger bear. he was cuddly as a teddy bear. He has a cute face, red hair and a body like a teddy bear. very cuddle. My first encounter with him was a typical grindr booty call in the middle of the night. I was on my way home and he was keen to fuck me.

Damn, it was good. I rarely bottom, but that night i was just feeling like one. He just knew how to push the button and an extensive cuddling session after. He has a very warm personality. that was a major plus point. We continued to see each other on sexual basis, and nothing more than that. We added each other on facebook, and other social media, but we never caught up as a friend. He initiated most of our meet. good sex, then cuddle, and conversation. just what i needed.

Somehow, i couldn't see myself dating him. Maybe i'm a goldilocks, i just want that is just right.
Living in Sydney, a beggar can't be a chooser. it's hard to find what i want. My basic biological need is fulfilled from time to time, The city has chosen few great sex for me, not the other way around. I can't complain though, but why hasn't Sydney chosen me "the one"?
So i have to look harder or wait til the time is right?
I can't tell, I just have to wait and looking for one that is just right.

The doctor

He is an older handsome man, with a chunky built, all muscle, killer smile, and amazing smell. I encountered him sometime last year, in the winter. I was writing up a paper in the middle of the night and somehow i ended up in his bed at 2 am in the morning.

The mood of the room was intimate, that's how i put it. candles everywhere. soft music playing, light chill out music, a type of music that always gets me turned on. He knew how to seduce a man, with his touch, with his smile.

No words are exchanged, just lust.
Lust then turned into passion. he was such a good kisser, his body was amazing to touch and he gave an incredible blow job. He was a total bottom, and very submissive. but he taught me how to please him. We shared the equal power of control, when he rode me on top, he just knew how to please me with his arse. It felt like paradise, he just knew how to control it. it made me when wild. Then when we were on the other position, he wanted me to be in charge. I started slow, passionate, love-making like then turned into full on fucking like an animal.

Then it got really intimate again.
We fucked for very long time. I had no idea how i had the energy, but when i looked at the time and the window it was already 6:30am in the morning. I got really tired, but I want to know the man who i was fucking for hours and hours. I didn't know his name, so I asked, His name is Robbie, a specialist doctor. We exchanged information about each other while i spooned him and fuck him very slowly with the only energy left and I fell asleep while i was inside him. We shared a lot in that morning, about his past relationships, his profession, life, about me and how much he loved me inside him.

Somehow i could see myself being with him. he's the kind of guy that i always wanted. Older, handsome and great sexual drive.

I woke up around midday, then he turned really cold. he wasn't as warm as 3 hours before when my eyes were closed. He turned into completely different person. He just wanted me out of the bed quickly and leave the place. polite, yet cold. not what i expected out of the man.

We showered separately, quickly get dressed and left. We would keep in touch again, and I caught up again with him but it wasn't as good as the first time. He wanted to explore the darker side, and yet i reluctant. I wanted to feel what i felt the first time around. But what he could offer me, to use him like a whore. Not the kind of sex what i want.

I also got really worried that we got too intimate that he distanced himself. He wrote me a nice love letter after we played the first time around and when I hung out at his place not long after we fuck. He just gone really cold again. I just don't get him being hot and cold.

I like him, really do. but what can i do, the first time was a splendid memory, and the rest. rubbish.
I would love to make love to this man again. maybe one day he would open up his heart, as much as he opened up his legs.

WL

Sex Life

Being young and sexually active. Life is great isn' it, with the help of technology and I know how and when to get laid. not.

As I mentioned, sex life is great, but that doesn't make life great. I slept around with a lot of people last year, I think 2012 was the year when i got really slutty, I don't want to put numbers on it, but even i'm quite scared with how many men that i have been intimate with in the last 12 months, It all slowed down now, I think i have lost a little bit interest in sex, or i'm just taking a break from it.

I felt at one stage that i'm a slave to desire and I will do whatever it takes to fulfil it. but there also times when i completely lost interest in sex. There are also frustrated times when i couldn't get hard for a hot guy in front of me. No idea. Biology is a complex thing.

Right now, i felt kinda empty, is it because i had so much of those meaningless sex and now i gotta pay the price. well, if the price to pay only includes occasional blues i don't mind, but to mention STD, well lucky enough i haven't got one, ever but I have few scare. lucky all clear, I just have to be careful with people that i kiss, i get sore throat easily.

There are times when i just want to have sex every single day of the week, i log on grindr, and other apps like scruff, or growlr or jack'd at various times of the day and i usually hit jack pot at the oddest time of the day. I call it midnight express. It was fun, hooking up with like minded people, only want to blow some load and leave. there are few times i stayed over. The sex, is mostly amazing, incredible in fact. i could write a whole book about it. but somehow, I paid the heavy price of cab fares and being a student, taxi fares in sydney are not exactly cheap. plus +20% surcharge after midnight and +10% card fees, I got broke, most of the time. I just want to jump on that cab and have sex.

I realized that this is just not healthy. Am i addicted to sex? That was the question.

So many stories, so little time to write.

I have been abandoning this blog for a while now, the ultimate reason: studies. Well, it’s my priority, but to cut along the story short, over the past year I met 2 incredible guys, I wasn’t exactly in relationship with them but close.

Sex life, great so far, but it’s getting boring. The apps, girndr, scruff, growlr, jack’d you name it, I’m there most of the time, well just to kill time, It’s like buying a scratchy ticket and you never know when you will get the big prize, but little prize will cheer me up just fine.

I’ve been living in this city for 5 years. A friend of mine said that being a gay man in Sydney is not as easy as it seems, and I have to agree. Things haven’t gotten difficult, but as I’m getting older things has been getting clearer, or I reserved my judgments more than ever. I started this blog when I was 20, heartbroken and confused. Almost 4 years later, I still haven’t found the guy yet to be in a relationship with. I’m not desperate, I’m happy being single but there are times when I feel like I want to find the one.

I will continue writing; I think it’s good to keep a journal, a record of my life.  

How could we make sense?

My friend S is having a hard time in her relationship with her partner, what happened was she got dumped by a bastard yet she's trying to pursue him back. I told her that her fight to get him back isn't worth her time and Energy. She reluctant to listen to me as usual, "I don't want the love of my life to go away" she said. 

The one. It is a hard concept. Sex and the city (the series) made it clear what is the notion of "the one". Did Carrie instantly know that Mr.Big was the one for her when she bumped into him on the street of New York? Was it fate that brought them back together despite hard breakups, disappointments? Or was it get struggle or they just instantly knew that they have to be together to complete their life? 

I recently met someone l, from the moment we met, I knew that I could spend the rest of my life with him. Silly I know, but sometimes that gut feelings are stronger than logic. We've been seeing each other for few times now and every time I met him my heart beats faster for him. His smile, his charm creeps into my mind every seconds, every time I breathe I think of him. 

I could see myself be with him for the rest of my life. He is perfect to me. But we just met at the wrong time. When I first had a chat with him at grindr months ago, he was seeing someone so I waited for him til he's ultimately single. When he confirmed to me that he's single I asked him out for coffee. It started from a cup of coffee and an hour of conversation. That smile. That smile. I want him.

He's leaving. He's leaving Sydney for good. He's moving to Bali. Buying a property and settle there. My heart sank. But I couldn't do anything, anything to change his mind. I know that he's keeping distance to me. But at the same time I could see a genuine smile every time I see him. I don't want to misinterpret his charm, but this is what I feel now. A warm feeling that is warming my soul this chilly winter. I just hope he feels the same way about me. 

Could he be the one? Did we meet a wrong time? Or our path just cross and he's just another one in my life that will pass and I will find another one just like him? 

He's old, I'm young. I'm just about to start my career, he has stopped working. He's leaving and I'm staying. 

How could we make sense? 

WL

Surry Hills, 27 July 2013 

Back to Sydney

Being back in Sydney feels like going back home again, 4 years feels like just yesterday. I grew so much from a shy boy to someone who has a lot of experience in sex and dating. Since my dating life has been nonexistent so shall we recap my sex life then.. 

After few months away, my grindr and other dating apps having been buzzing constantly, apparently it happens almost every time i go away, i'm the new fresh meat again. so it was good to get the attention for a while and some guys i met some just chat. but yeah it was great to catch up with my regular buddies for sex. During the holiday i didn't have sex with anyone and I missed it much. 

Sex was great but I feels really lonely sometimes, i miss having someone that i could cuddle to and talk to and be intimate with. really sex was just a release for by biological need, but it doesn't fulfil my emotional needs. I'm a human and i feel needy sometimes. I feel a little jealous sometimes whenever i see a young couple or any couple walking down the street being intimate. It feels like having something that i have been missing out. being in a relationship, a stable one.

So yeah, i enjoyed the sex, hookups, and one night stand for a while, and Being back to normal means i have to endure my loneliness and keep looking for the right man with the right application :)

SQ241

It was Valentine's day and I have to take an early morning flight back to Sydney, the end of my holiday. Sadly, it all came to an end. I spent really great time back home, spending time with my friends and my family. ate a lot of good food, hear good news (my sis got engaged to her handsome partner).

Changi Airport Terminal 3 was quiet at 6am in the morning but i was curious who's on grindr that morning. I had a chat with this really young and cute guy who turned out to be in the same flight as i was, we sat few rows apart but yeah he wasn't interested in me, that's alright i got the idea, another rejection. ;) it's really funny how grindr really revolutionised the way people communicate to each other and grindr might cuts the odds of people finding their soul mate. wherever they are, in proximity.

So i guess in my fantasy, i will find my soulmate somewhere in the airport and we'll be going to the same destination.

Singapore

My next destination was Singapore. So after Jakarta, Bali, Gili and Bandung, Singapore was the last stop before back in Sydney for the new semester. My best friend T has an aparment there and he always telling me to come visit him there so I did and I had a great time there.

This was the first time in years where i spent the nights in Singapore, usually i just had a quick stop over on my way back home for few hours. My plan was to eat, drink and shop really well, which i did. Singapore is a place to be when you want to gain few kilos and empty your wallet for new wardrobe.
Another reason why i was in Singapore is to watch wicked. I've watched it few years back in Sydney and my girlfriends wanted to watch it when the season opened in singapore. I couldn't say no to the theatre. I asked Tom to come along as well, but he backed out in the last minute, oh well. So it was just me, T and my girlfriends.

My friend T used to live in Singapore for more than 17 years, before he moved to Sydney for his education. I haven't wrote much about him but after my girlfriends left sydney he was always there for me. We were classmate and best mate at school and outside school. When i first met him at class i thought he was cute, when i got to know him better we have a lot of thing in common, we're both from the same country and we're both a smoker, and we're both gay. He knows singapore inside out and he's the best tour guide anyone can imagine.

He took me out partying every night showing me the scene. We went to taboo and play on my first night, at play i met a guy who i had a chat with on Scruff a week before his name is Michael, a cute latino boy from the states. It was quite funny how we met, so i was dancing on the dancefloor and saw a familiar face then i smiled at micahel then he approached and shout "I know you!!" we talked for a bit and exchanged numbers, i wanted to ask him for brunch in a few days time but it never happened. He bailed out, sadly.

Wicked was amazing, it was my second time. the first time was in Sydney, the singapore production used the Australian casts so i saw familiar faces like Jemma Rix, but the highlight was David harris. He was such a cutie a perfect Fiyero! I have a huge crush on him since. A tall blonde boy who can sing really steals my heart away! :)

Singapore was a great fun, I ate, shop and drink really well. It's a great place to live even though the weather is too hot. Maybe i'll move here one day. it will be another adventure.

Bad Dates

Over the past few years that I have been out and about in the cruel game called the gay dating world i have encountered few or not many bad dates. Most of these dates are learning experience for me. Rejection is hard and No one likes it, but hey life is hard and the more rejections i have the more i grow myself as a person. I believe that.

In Bandung, After a date with Tom, I found myself chatting with a local guy there. He was very much interested in me. I was up for a challenge to myself to have a date with a local as I felt a little insulted every single time my friend told me that I have never attracted with guys my own race, an asian man. So to proof them wrong I set a date with this guy, Gus. Gus had okay profile picture, i didn't think i was sexually attracted with him fully but i thought i could do him for a one night stand. I was dead wrong. I couldn't stand the guy at all within the first 5 minutes i met him. So Instead of a one on one date, he trapped me to actually meeting him and all of his 20 friends. The Bandung Gays, and few transexuals and their fag hags. Geez. They were nice people but not the people i could hang out with. I was in the most uncomfortable position ever and i felt trapped in a situation where i couldn't leave straight away as it would considered very rude. I hung out with them for a while and was asked a lot of uncomfortable questions. Though Gus' friends was very nice people, i could not stand Gus' personality. also i found him very unattractive, he looked very different from his profile picture also he didn't take care much of his hygiene so i could smell his strong body odour also He has flamboyant over the top sissy personality. He wears the latest ladies handbag and most of the time he didn't really make the effort to get to know me better as a friend. He ignored me most of the time and i was trapped with his friends. So when i knew i just spent enough time so i didn't want to outstay the welcome and booked a cab and left right away. I gave Gus a handshake and I took a sigh when everything was over.

I guess that was one of the worst dates i've ever had. I guess to described it in a song it was like "Wannabe" by spice girls: "If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends". :-)

That date was bad was not the worst. The worst one was In Shanghai, Where i met his guy who had a picture of himself 10 years ago as profile and looked very different as if it was different person. I met him at an expat neighbourhood called Gubei and it was miles away from French concession where i stayed. It took an effort to get there and turned out to be a wasted effort as We knew the first 15 minutes we were just lost of words. He was a bigger guy, and expat who lived there for 2 years. He was a superchub and I couldn't stand his personality. He also did not make the effort to get to know me better but it was too late to bail out on him as we have ordered our meal. We were quiet the whole dinner and He ran out of question and he asked me how many siblings I have. So that's it. We couldn't stand each other and get desserts so he asked for the bill and he did the cheapest thing ever, he texted his friend to call him so he could pretend that he had an emergency and had to leave straight away. I was in awe on how obvious it was that he just wanted to get out of there, though he got the bill to compensate me feeling uncomfortable for 45 minutes but still He has no manners to do such things. I said thanks, jumped into a cab and never looked back.

There was a similar stories, here in Sydney few months back. It was spring and I had a chat with this guy on grindr who found me attractive, he was a younger guy, 19 years old, Italian background. An aspiring singer he claimed. I thought he looked cute but also looked very different in person. He lied about his height and I just couldn't stand his over the top personality. He smoked like a chimney and he had this cockiness coming out of him. He said just to have recently lost 40 kgs in few months and he just had a newfound confidence. We tried hard to get to know each other but We both couldn't i guess i was just turned off right away, by the fact that he gave up his education to pursue a celebrity ambition to become a singer, he thinks getting drunk at oxford street every weekend is cool, and He thinks that became a Mc Donald's manager was an achievement. He was kind of full of himself and told me stories which i don't think i could believe and He also told me that his family situation was not very good financially and he had never once in his life to be in an airplane. For me he was just this narrow minded kid who needs to broaden his horizon, I could not blame him due to his age and experience though I guess he jus need to grow up a little more. Although i was quite impressed that he works hard to earn a living independently, but the way he spends his money unwisely just cancels all the good qualities in him.
At the end, he was decent enough to make the efforts to get to know me but naturally i couldn't open up to him. So we parted ways when his friends arrived in oxford st for clubbing with him. We both know sure that we wouldn't see each other anymore though he was decent enough to be civil and decent to me. Lesson for me that night. never agree on a date with someone that young. period.

These are just stories from coffee dates and not hookups. I also met a few bad hookups but that's another story. These bad date stories just make me grow as a person and let myself out of the fear of rejection. It makes me master the art of having a date with someone which the way i put it is like having a glass of wine out of the bottle. You know exactly how to distinguish a bad wine but hard to distinguished in between decent and good wine. Therefore to decide to get drunk for the second one onwards takes a careful consideration :-)

But i guess the worst one i had was few years back and it only lasted few minutes. I agreed to meet this guy on a pub one afternoon and the whole date lasted 3 minutes. I though he was into me and the conversation but i guess when he looked into my pockets and saw a cigarette pack stamped against my trousers it was his cue to leave. He just said that he needed to go and that's it he ran like a cheetah. I had never met anyone that rude before, the best thing he could tell me was just tell me the truth that it wouldn't work out I am mature enough to take it.

The whole experience makes me even more mature and learn more about people's personality and behaviour. I know that in the long road of finding love the challenges are even greater each day and i'm glad i have a lot of experience out of it to overcome my fear and maybe one day find the one.

WL

ps: So my dear readers, tell me about the worst date you've ever had. I will be very excited to hear your stories. xx

Bandung: The Cheesecake Date

During my stay in Jakarta I made few side trip out of town for few days to Bandung. A hillside city 100km from Jakarta. The purpose of the visit: To visit my best friend who just moved there, True purpose of the visit: To have a date with a guy that i had chats online with for weeks.

His name is Tom, an English teacher who lives in Bandung, I had a chat with with him on Grindr when I was in Gili Trawangan. His profile picture interests me and we soon became fast buddy over discussion on relationship, travel, and literature. I felt connected with him during a chat that day and soon I asked him out on a date due in 10 days time. He sent me risque pictures of him and replied back the same. I felt attracted to him even though i had never met him. Maybe i have soft spot for a ginger. As i got back to Jakarta i texted him back to confirm our meet. He was still up for it and We settled on a venue, Hotel Malya for a cheesecake date. :) Hotel Malya has the best baked cheesecake in the country.   It is my favorite desert in town and i couldn't wait til I meet him in person. The intention of our meet wasn't very clear. Was it gonna be a date and hookups after or just a friendly one but i kept my fingers crossed hoping it would be a good one because i couldn't spare the disappointment if it were a bad date.

The day arrived, my bags were packed and my driver drove 2 hours through the scenic route between Bandung and Jakarta. I confirmed our date and he sent me his number. My friend was thrilled to see me. I was staying at her place for 2 nights but i would only meet him on the first night as he has plans during my second and third day. Before I met him, i did a little background check on him. I asked my former teacher if he knows about Tom, turned out I had met him long time ago when i was a student. he was one of the visiting teacher and I told my teacher at that time if Tom and him were going out as I thought of Tom was a cutie back then. Oh well my teacher remembered that clearly and told me the tale again. Maybe that's why i felt that he was very familiar, it was someone that i had met before. A schoolboy crush. x So the feelings were pure and the intentions were good :)

When i met him in that hotel coffee shop, I felt attraction coming from me instantly, He was friendly, and soft-spoken. My heart melts instantly. He was very worldly, he had lived around the world and speaks 6 different languages. He told me his experiences in different countries and how much he loves Indonesia. He's a Canadian, moved to France for University stayed there for awhile and Travelled around after, then He was teaching English in China, lived in Beijing for few years. Speaks the language fluently with Beijing accent. then moved to Bandung 6 years ago. He likes the guys there, but after 6 years, he hasn't been in a relationship yet. though he ever mentioned to me that Long Term relationship is his ultimate goal. Maybe he hasn't found the right one yet, but I figure a guy like him should have someone special in his life as he possess amazing personality and charm. As we went further through our conversation, he had to cut it short because he needed to meet someone after urgently. I wondered could it be another date but then he smiled at me and showed me a picture of a 2 years old on his phone. I was quite stoked as if i were just had a date with a married man. He told me that the son is biologically his and he's not married and he's a single dad. He knew i was gonna ask more questions but he had to run and told me that he would tell me more about his son later. We parted ways and we hugged.

After the date i felt that i just had a bomb dropped on me. Will i ever be able to date someone with kids was the question that ran through my head all the time that night. Then it came, the butterfly in my stomach, the heart beating faster all night. I think he charmed me to the core that i couldn't stop thinking about him that night. I want him badly but i think the circumstances makes it harder, and I don't know for sure if he's attracted to me and felt the same was as i did.

I went back to Jakarta in few days time still thinking about him. I then decided to come back there for a second date 2 weeks after the first meet. I told him i'm coming back to meet him and he welcomed the idea, but then he told me this "I should warn you that i'm dating someone now but would still like to hang out with you. I enjoyed your company" Yikes. I think i just felt heartbroken right there. Oh well, After the Aaron drama i think i was stronger than ever but I thought what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger so i proceed with another coffee with him.

The second time we met, he seemed to be more relaxed and the air between us was cleared. The first time around i was very nervous as i was attracted to him and now we are both know that this was just going to be friendship for us and nothing more. He then told me that he decided to have a baby few years back without going into details, His son was born and he loves being a father. We shared and talked over cheesecake and coffee like two old friends. I asked about the guy that he's seeing. So He made it official with him just after i met him the first time around. So i guess it all changed in few weeks time. I think at that time i couldn't be happier for him and I let go all my feelings.

After few hours of conversation, it was time to part ways, he dropped me back to my friend's mansion and we promised to keep in touch which we did after i got back in Sydney we had few conversation via whatsapp over the year. I think he knew very much that i was attracted to him but I don't think he felt the same way. I think i have grown over this experience. I think a crush is the sweetest feeling ever, and i'm glad i met him and It turned out to be best if we never had started anyting, except a beautiful friendship.

WL

This is Jakarta: Oh Inilah Jakarta..

I had few weeks in Jakarta before the end of my holiday. 3 Weeks of Bali and Gili was enough island holiday for me and Now It was time for me to get back to my former life as big city boy. Jakarta is a city of 12 million people, a city of contrast where the gap between the rich and poor are wide, a city where homosexuality is not criminalized but not well tolerated. This is where i was born and where i lived for 18 years before i moved to Sydney. I had a great upbringing, had received the best of the world to offer to me in the third world. The best education, comfortable living, overseas travel, great friends but all that was nothing with the lack of affection from my parents. They were working hard enough for me to get the best but never saw me growing up. I grew up with nanny, maids and drivers. yeah I was that poor rich boy. Not exactly Richie rich but close enough to always get what i need and what i want. My life is a joke in Sydney compared to my former life where in have to endure discomforts of taking public transportation but all that paid with gaining life skills and independence.

There are 12 million people living in this city, but it seems like everyone knows everyone. Social statuses are important, connections are the key to everything. gossips are spread around like virus, that makes every action has to be well considered because it might hurt you or someone that you love. People knows everyone's business, Spies are everywhere. This is the land where gossip girl-esque lifestyle is not a fantasy but a reality. I got out of there at the right time, I knew that if i stayed i wouldn't  grow and live the superficial lifestyle. Sometimes i missed it, but life in Sydney isn't too bad, keeping it real here and being myself is the reward. I have the chance of living the double life, being the broke happy go lucky student in Sydney and living the shallow life in Jakarta. I must admit living in Jakarta is easy, too easy. Maids and drivers 24/7 attending your needs and everything is possible if you have money and connection. Love it or hate it, i was born with it.

I was in town for almost 2 months and during that time i didn't get laid but I went on a few dates. My grindr was on the whole time and it was really interesting that there were a lot of guys using it since last year. The app has become so popular that i saw a lot of familiar faces. I had a date with this guy who turned out to be a friend of my best friend's mom. A society figure, we knew each other but never really   beyond than hellos. It was a blind date as we didn't post profile picture on grindr, we wanted meaningless sex at first, he told me to get a taxi and pick him up which i did, but when I saw him i thought "Shoot, i know him". So in the cab on the way to the hotel (neither of us could host) it was pretty awkward but we kept it friendly. I knew stuff about about him but he told me some more about him. We had nice conversations, I asked him if rumours about him were true and he said it was, and I shelled out a lot of society gossips of him. Oh well, he has the biggest mouth in town. Once we got to the hotel, we made out but it felt weird so I backed off but we kept continue talking so it was a memorable date. We made sure we kept it discreet, but hopefully he wouldn't tell the whole town about me. So after the whole weird encounter, I told one of my best friend over brunch about it and he said that The guy was nasty and spreading lies about my best friends in the gay circle. Apparently, the circle was so small that everyone knows with each other and sleeps with each other. it makes me sick.

I've been cautious all these times in Jakarta and still i haven't learnt my lesson. My first ever grindr encounter was with this cute bear  few years back and turned out he has slept with people that i know. The second one was a non-sexual date with this charming guy who turned out to be a social climber phony. He used my contacts to get what he wanted, but he failed miserably and his cover was blown. I only had one date with him but he claimed that he knew me for ages and tricked some people. very sickening. Another date turned out to be a friend of a friend, he wasn't as cute as in the picture and we had nothing in common. What's more annoying is sometimes i just randomly bump into these people and i had to awkwardly say hello because we couldn't pretend to not know each other. :-(

But I guess the cherry on top was with this guy, a Vocal coach. 32 years old, German-chinese mix, who i had 2 dates with. He was cute but really personality wise I couldn't picture myself with him. he found himself very much attracted to me but I couldn't stand his giggles (he giggles in every 5 seconds literally), bad english and bad courting skill. He kept telling me that i have positive energy (repeated 100x times) he said I love you after second date. The second date was a mistake because i was bored, so he suggested a movie. We went to the luxe cinema where they have couches for 2 instead of recliners and a blanket. So we made out and cuddled for the whole movie, but did nothing more. When we were done, I dropped him home and TADAH he turned out to be a neighbor of my childhood friend and they know each other. I was really sick in stomach and decided that i shouldn't see him any longer.

Another thing about Grindr in Jakarta is that everyone was trying to be as macho and cool which really turned me off so bad. I was laughing my ass off in the morning when a guy sent me a hello by "Pagi bro!" literally means "Morng BRO!" and when i had a chat with him he just kept adding "bro" at the end of each sentences. "yes bro", "no bro". This not only happened to one guy but at least 10 guys that i had chat with. Also Bad English. Not only they're trying to be cool and macho, they're trying to practice their bad english. Most common mistake is that they don't know the difference between "stay" and "live". So when someone ask me where do i stay referring to where i live. Also when i asked them "What are you up to? which is an informal saying of "what are you doing right now?" they replied me back with stuff that they want to do with me, it all got lost in translation as I don't ask them "what are you up for -or- What are you into?" So really i had no idea wether i was amused or frustrated. oh well i was sexually frustrated but enjoying this ridiculous stupidity of Jakarta Gays. Though i've had great chats with some guys with brains and great interests but never met them as most of them are partnered or too busy to meet.

Oh Jakarta, love it or hate it, it will be always a part of me. The moral of the story in this instalment: "BE VERY CAREFUL WITH PEOPLE THAT YOU MEET ON GRINDR"

WL

Bali part deux: The Virgin

After Gili Trawangan had only a day left til I was back to Jakarta. During my time there I didn't hook up with anyone, just had random chats with people from all over the country. One guy that caught my attention anB i was chatting with for days lives in bali He's around my age His name is Drew, balinese born chinese background, who moved back from Bali after his studies overseas years ago. When i landed back in Bali, I I've moved on with the asshole and ready for some more adventures. I made a date with Drew that evening. He was eager to meet me so we met at a fashionable restaurant in Seminyak. When i met him he seemed nervous at first but after a drink he seemed to loosened up. He's very cute for an asian, not that i date exclusively other race than mine but Drew caught my attention by his nice smile and worldly intelectual, we could carried on conversation on general stuff for hours but i felt like i needed to dig a little deeper. He mentioned in his chat that he was attracted to me but he also warned me that he's a very shy person. I could tell but we got along just fine, more like two old friends catching up. So I braved myself to ask him more personal question directly but careful and subtle. I asked him if he brought many dates here and he shyly answered a few he said. I couldn't help it but giggled and told him to move places because i wanted this night to be special. 

So we settled on Metis, one of the best restaurant in Bali for deserts and drinks after our meal. After a change of environment He was more relaxed and opened up to me and I felt more and more attracted to him. I told him my stories and what brought me here today as a gay man, he listened carefully and I asked him "So what brings you here to meet me?" He paused, I knew it was too much for him but i waited for a few seconds for him to answer. I knew he had a story, and seeing him being nervous makes him even more attractive. Then here it went, he told me his story, something that no one had ever heard before. First of all, he's a virgin and never been kissed with anyone. But he had once fell in love. It was in Sydney few years back when he was studying in the university, the same one as mine. He told me that He was in love with his best friend and that was how he knew that he's gay. They were best buddies for years until the best friend found a girl and He couldn't control himself out of jealousy long story short, they fell out of friendship almost the same time he had to go back to Bali. He never told the man he loved how he felt but I guessed for Drew, building his own jail was sort of a remedy. He could never tell anyone his true self, unlike me who has very understanding friends He has no one. So i played the role of therapist that night and i found him even more and more attractive. Our conversation was over passion fruit brulee and some cocktails, i just wanted to kiss him in that moment but i couldn't. He told me more about him, how he met few guys in Bali, some were on holidays and some lived there. He showed me pictures and some i found them cute and some i didn't find them attractive at all. He told me some stories about them, one was a plastic surgeon who was very full of himself, another one was a pushy sissy chubby guy who wanted to meet him but they never did but always texting him, and another one was a sushi chef who was gonna move to bali but they had not met yet, and some were just bad dates. I told him that he's dated a few, he nodded and told me that Grindr changed his life but He was too scared to do anything with them, hook ups was out of the question for him. He wanted "the one" to kiss him, let alone to do anything. My heart sank when i heart that but I felt like i wanted him more. So i shamelessly flited with him but he still couldn't give himself to me. but i knew his weakness but i guess i played that card last. He looked at the watch and it was already late so he needed to drop me back to the hotel because it was past his curfew. On the way to the hotel, i tried all my moves to get him, he was really nervous but soon he gave in his hand to me, we held hands all the way. So i asked him if i could kiss him, he paused and with a lot of thinking he told me that he wanted to but he couldn't, he just wanted us to be friends first and see how far we could develop. But me as a true believer of "The moment" convinced him that I was leaving tomorrow and if he wanted to take the chance it was now. I knew he wanted to kiss me but he was very nervous as no one has ever seduced him this way before. I said to him that i was okay and just take your time and i would never force him to do anything that he wouldn't want to do. he nodded. But I played my last card after finishing that last sentence, I took his hand on my beard and told him, "I couldn't give you a kiss but i knew what you wanted all along" He got exited. I could feel that he was shivering with excitement that he almost hit a motorcycle. Few days back before we agreed to meet he told me that under no circumstances i would shaved off my beard so i agreed to it. He was very attracted to it. Then i guess i played my last card well. I told him to park his car so we could have a proper goodbye., I invited him back to my room but he refused so i told him to follow me to the swimming pool area. It was very dark, so i thought it was the perfect spot to kiss him. I gave him a proper goodbye hug and i could feel that he was shivering nervously, but i could also feel the biggest hard on someone's pants. I felt his face, head-butting him like a cat, slowly seducing him, then his phone rang. It was his mom that he had to answer. FUCK. such a mood killer. he had to go back soon. He apologized that he had to leave now, so i gave him the last hug and he gave me a little peck on the cheek. It was very sweet. So i dropped him back to his car, and before i sent him off i told him that i want to take picture of his t-shirt as a souvenir, and this is what he was wearing

I knew all night what he wanted and i gave it to him. I waved goodbye when he left, I knew i would meet him again in the future. Although i couldn't get take his first ever kiss, It was a great night for both of us. I couldn't help but wonder how could i have such confidence that night, shamelessly seducing a virgin :-P oh well, i guess the prize was too high but along the way i pushed my self to the limit and found a new friend. I got a text from him after half hour telling me how great it was to meet me and we're still keeping in touch now. Maybe i would date him properly in the future, but i guess right now i would want to start anything or give him any expectation that would break his heart. There might be a sequel when i'm back in Bali on Easter next year for my sister's wedding.  

Gili Trawangan: Dancing on My own

Gili Trawangan is a paradise on earth. After the Aaron drama I couldn't sleep just kept wondering what happened exactly. I was extremely upset when i got back to the hotel, it was almost 4 am in the morning and i got a boat ride leaving Bali at 8 am. I felt like crying but really my tears would be wasted for an asshole like him. So i tried to write some emails to my friends, It really made me feel better. Before I left the hotel i've got few reply back and it really made my day that my friends really care about my well beings. The weather was extremely bad and when i got to the seaport, Our boat service has been cancelled. Instead we are flying to Lombok and from there by land and a short boat trip. The flight wouldn't leave until 6pm so we've got almost 8 hours to spare. We went to ubud instead for lunch and back to the airport on time. They trip to Ubud really cleared up my mind. I was extremely tired at that point I didn't sleep at all still upset from The Aaron drama i just wanted to let everything go but with our original plan fell through it seems a little difficult to just move on. Bali traffic didn't help too it made me even more frustrated. What cheered me up a little was the conversation i have with my favourite fuck Wally over grindr. he really did cheered me up with his witty conversations about our 2 favorite things, food and sex. Long story short, we got to the airport board the plane, extreme turbulence over the strait, landed safely, 2 hours drive plus 15 minutes boat ride in high tide. We arrived in Gili Trawangan.

Gili Trawangan is renowned for its cristal clear water and partying. No cars or motorcycle allowed, only bicycle or horse cart ride as mode of transportation. I spent a good night sleep trying to get over what happened and When i woke up i was in completely different mood, totally relaxed and calm. I didn't care much about what happened. I walked along the shore and I saw there are a lot of eye candies there. Hot european boys walking half naked in all directions, I couldn't be more happy than this, Bali was full of bogans and This island offers the hottest guys. I checked on grindr and there was no one online except few people who were in bali or lombok or even in Bandung, more stories on my chats later. I spent my days just walking on the beach, chilling out, eat good food and rest. At night it was a different story, There was a lot of parties going on, Because my companions were not build for partying anymore I spent time alone, i thought drinking alone was really depressing but then again I found it quite enjoyable. Quickly i've made friends with the germans, the french, the spaniards and The Swedes! The Swedes were really nice, On my last night in Gili I partied with them and we sang and dance together. One particular song that really stuck in my head was a song that they requested, really described perfectly my mood. It goes like this "I am in the corner watching you kiss her, oh I'm over here why can't you see me ooh.. I'm giving it all but i'm not the guy you're taking home.. I keep dancing on my own"- It was Robyn's "Dancing on my own". It really described what i felt when Aaron jilted me over a local dude in that bar in bali  It took me few days a song to actually get over him and Life goes on and continues. This is the first time in my life that i could actually enjoy being alone and not being dependant on anyone to actually have fun. I had fun drinking alone and dancing alone, And when the swedes were gone i kept dancing til i had enough.

I spent 4 days in the island and when i left I've had 2 dates lined up in Bali and in Bandung. My island holiday was almost over and I left the island as a new man.