The return of Mr.Big

This happened very recently.

It's been more than year since he broke my heart for the first time. At first we kept it simple and we kept it civil, we started being friends again, strictly platonic. We decided that we are better off as a friend and nothing more. The only mistake that i had at that time was i gave my heart to someone who was emotionally unavailable, not that i wanted to but it just happened. He fell for someone else while on holiday. He broke my heart, i forgave him for that. He learnt by his mistake, i knew he was stupid. I gave him my trust again to become friends, a confidant. We had a great relationship. He acknowledged our "thing" in the past to people. I liked the idea of it. I knew that we couldn't make sense. We are contrast. I am young, he is old. He is white and i'm yellow. I am tall and he is short.

He used his charm to get what he wanted. I knew that he had the power. I learnt by past mistake not to take it. I knew i couldn't trust him anymore. When we are getting friendlier again I thought we are good friends. He invited me to events, i did the same. It was the first time my friends met him. They were all blown away by his charm. They all thought he was a jerk but all in front of them was this charming older gentleman. I was glad of the fact that they got along pretty well.

Something happened tonight. It's winter here and we were both freezing. I invited him over for a friendly meet. I'm gonna be away on holiday soon and we haven't seen each other for a while so i thought it was a good idea to catch up. We were just mucking around in my room, he brought over sticky date pudding and a bottle of pinot noir. classic.

The next thing i knew we kissed. I spooned him. I wanted to stop but my heart couldn't do it. The lights were off. clothes off. There was just our naked bodies. We had sex. It was the first time in ages since i bottomed. It was painful but i enjoyed it. I remembered suddenly how it felt when he fucked me the first time. that feeling, the submissive feeling when someone inside me. It felt warm. I lost word to describe it. When he finished inside me i felt the same feeling i had when we were together. It was incredible. It felt amazing for one second. Then i realised how stupid i was to fell into his arm again. We didn't cuddle after, I was ready to kicked him out of the bed. it felt incredibly awkward. I didn't feel guilty but it just felt really weird. Maybe this should not happen again, he's like a powerful drug that i've craved and got addicted to and once i had it i knew how amazing and how bad is it for me. Maybe we should pretend like nothing happend, or maybe i should delete him out of my life forever. i'm clueless....

WL